When commercials say "depression hurts" it really does. It fills you to the top numbing your head and limbs. Fingers tingle at the tips longing for less and more feeling. Where are my toes?
It hurts your family because nothing they do or say cheers you up for real. An occasional forced smile followed by a hidden face doesn't keep the pain away.
Your head is full of cotton, it longs to implode.
The air is full of children's moans. Longing for love and joy to pass from the mothers bosom to theirs. Mother offers her warmth, but falls asleep trying to hide the pain. Striving to not pass it on, she fails.
In waking the mother sees her child beauty glows and sleeping.
Something snaps.
The child's beauty wakens the mothers joy. It's small. She holds tight to it, but its like reaching for a snow flake. Nearly impossible and when you do it melts cold in your hand, beauty lost.
The mother sighs at least I got a taste.
True joy is like a snow flakes (maybe not for all) sometimes it pours and you catch a lot, but sometimes not. Just because it lands on you doesn't mean you consume it. Snow isn't like water.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Juggle
My 2 1/2 year old is more demanding this semester than last. She speaks whatever she wants to loud and clear. I'm am still working on her emotional coaching.
She is angry at me. She is angry at me for not being alone with me as much as we were when William worked outside the home. She is angry at me for not having enough energy to chase her for an hour straight. Angry that I have to do homework instead of being attentive immediately when she wants to speak with me. Anger is in her energy, and I know how to fix it. But at what opportunity cost?
How can I juggle?
Married life.
Mother.
Student.
All of these thirds pull me in my heart and head. How can I make sure it all gets done? I'm shaking.
My heart is vibrating. The vibration makes its way down to my arms and finger tips.
Tightness erupts and my whole torso convulses.
I have no answers.
I have moved, and have not found a professional to help me yet. Medication only goes so far, I've been fighting to keep my head above water on my own. I'm running out of energy. My grade may not make it if I keep this up.
As much as I want to be Super Woman/MOM Student WIFE I cannot, for I am human.
She is angry at me. She is angry at me for not being alone with me as much as we were when William worked outside the home. She is angry at me for not having enough energy to chase her for an hour straight. Angry that I have to do homework instead of being attentive immediately when she wants to speak with me. Anger is in her energy, and I know how to fix it. But at what opportunity cost?
How can I juggle?
Married life.
Mother.
Student.
All of these thirds pull me in my heart and head. How can I make sure it all gets done? I'm shaking.
My heart is vibrating. The vibration makes its way down to my arms and finger tips.
Tightness erupts and my whole torso convulses.
I have no answers.
I have moved, and have not found a professional to help me yet. Medication only goes so far, I've been fighting to keep my head above water on my own. I'm running out of energy. My grade may not make it if I keep this up.
As much as I want to be Super Woman/MOM Student WIFE I cannot, for I am human.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Hair and Make-up
This post is short.
Most people think that when women feel bad about themselves they ware make-up and do their hair to compensate.
This post is to inform you that this concept is false!
For me during my depression and (still yet as I'm still recovering)
When I'm happier I do my hair.
When I'm happier I do my make-up.
Depression sucks all the feelings of hope out of you. "Why do your hair and make-up? I mean really it's not going to help or change anything." Is 100% what I thought during depression.
So men, boys, and guys out there! Know this! If you see a girl not wearing make-up or doing their hair I'd be concerned not more than not.
Exclaimer! Some women just don't like make-up so this post doesn't apply to everyone.
The main thing to look for is a change in hair and make-up habits. (not styles)
Most people think that when women feel bad about themselves they ware make-up and do their hair to compensate.
This post is to inform you that this concept is false!
For me during my depression and (still yet as I'm still recovering)
When I'm happier I do my hair.
When I'm happier I do my make-up.
Depression sucks all the feelings of hope out of you. "Why do your hair and make-up? I mean really it's not going to help or change anything." Is 100% what I thought during depression.
So men, boys, and guys out there! Know this! If you see a girl not wearing make-up or doing their hair I'd be concerned not more than not.
Exclaimer! Some women just don't like make-up so this post doesn't apply to everyone.
The main thing to look for is a change in hair and make-up habits. (not styles)
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
It's Okay to Be Me
Its okay to be where we're at.
This statement is said over and over by my therapist.
Its okay to be where your at.
This one statement over in over in my head. I repeat it to myself time and time again just to relax.
Its okay to be where I'm at.
My weight story post was full of vigor and determination. The fact of the matter is my weight is a shield, a comfort blanket. I think I've said this before. But its so true. It is so hard to take off that comfort blanket.
For some their comfort blankets are exercise or food control or whatever. And for some (these days the stats say most in the US) fat is a comfort blanket. It is protective, and destructive at the same time.
So how do we convince ourselves that its okay to take it off?
How do we convince ourselves that we're not perfect in some things (most things) and that's okay?
Repeat it over and over and over.
Never forget.
Its okay to be where I'm at.
We're in this together, we are. All of us. When we judge others and ourselves to harshly we do not find happiness nor progression. We are literally damned. We stop ourselves from moving forward. When we can't look at ourselves in the eye and say "I'm not perfect. That's okay." "I haven't started working out yet. That's okay" Or when we can't listen to criticism without still loving ourselves then we are still not okay with who we are.
And believe it! How hard is this? right? At least for me it is. When we beat ourselves up for not doing things right, or we cannot accept things we need to address and change, we only make it worse.
For me, when I get a bad look or vibe from someone at first I'm wounded. I feel pain in my body. I feel pain and sadness, sadness not only for me but for them also. Such pain (unawares of it usually)someone should be in to look at others that way. But remember; it's okay for them to be where their at too.
-I'd like to add also that when someone is hurting, nothing to do with me, I feel it. And my heart breaks. This is why I want/am going to be a therapist.-
We are all in different places, at different stages, in our internal psychological health.
I'm sorry I don't usually like to be religious on this blog but "Love one another, as I have loved you." I mean! is there any better way to love one another than to see ourselves and each other as okay where we're at?
I recently saw a karma post on Facebook. It said "send out good energy." When we do this we make the world a better place. How can we do this if we're not able to accept ourselves first?
I cannot love others to the fullest when I am not accepting myself. Myself, as in the whole package. I don't clean the house as much as my husband. I should spend more time with my daughter. I should take my dog for better walks. I'm not skinny, fit, or even healthy. I should manage my time better, spend less money, the list goes on an on. We all have them. And they hurt so we push them away. Sometimes avoid or use other unhealthy tactics. The way to healthily defeat them is to face them, and face the head on.
Try it. Try looking in the mirror and saying "Its okay that I don't walk my dog enough. yet. I'm not in a place yet where I can do it. That's okay. I see this, I can accept it. When I'm ready I'll change it."
Ah! Then the pressure is off! We can relax and love ourselves. Which usually leads to being more an more able to change your it.
If your lucky and your one of those people that doesn't have much to feel guilty or frustrated about, or you've known all this for years my hat goes off to you! :D good job!
On the other hand for those of you who don't understand depression maybe this post will help. People (at least with me) with depression do not think that anything is okay. All those things I listed become massive boulders on our shoulders. Weighing our heats and minds down 24'7. We cannot escape. We do not believe its OKAY to be crappy at stuff right now. The world and most the people around us don't tell us its okay, or if they do we don't hear. We don't believe. How could it be true for it to be alright to be so big? So messy and lazy? How? The comforting words people say to us roll off "like water off a ducks back." They roll off and barely leave a trace.
Something has to snap back into place for someone with depression to believe its okay to be where we're at. When that does happens, healing starts.
I pray that one day we can all know and love ourselves for who we are and where we're at.
God Bless!
This statement is said over and over by my therapist.
Its okay to be where your at.
This one statement over in over in my head. I repeat it to myself time and time again just to relax.
Its okay to be where I'm at.
My weight story post was full of vigor and determination. The fact of the matter is my weight is a shield, a comfort blanket. I think I've said this before. But its so true. It is so hard to take off that comfort blanket.
For some their comfort blankets are exercise or food control or whatever. And for some (these days the stats say most in the US) fat is a comfort blanket. It is protective, and destructive at the same time.
So how do we convince ourselves that its okay to take it off?
How do we convince ourselves that we're not perfect in some things (most things) and that's okay?
Repeat it over and over and over.
Never forget.
Its okay to be where I'm at.
We're in this together, we are. All of us. When we judge others and ourselves to harshly we do not find happiness nor progression. We are literally damned. We stop ourselves from moving forward. When we can't look at ourselves in the eye and say "I'm not perfect. That's okay." "I haven't started working out yet. That's okay" Or when we can't listen to criticism without still loving ourselves then we are still not okay with who we are.
And believe it! How hard is this? right? At least for me it is. When we beat ourselves up for not doing things right, or we cannot accept things we need to address and change, we only make it worse.
For me, when I get a bad look or vibe from someone at first I'm wounded. I feel pain in my body. I feel pain and sadness, sadness not only for me but for them also. Such pain (unawares of it usually)someone should be in to look at others that way. But remember; it's okay for them to be where their at too.
-I'd like to add also that when someone is hurting, nothing to do with me, I feel it. And my heart breaks. This is why I want/am going to be a therapist.-
We are all in different places, at different stages, in our internal psychological health.
I'm sorry I don't usually like to be religious on this blog but "Love one another, as I have loved you." I mean! is there any better way to love one another than to see ourselves and each other as okay where we're at?
I recently saw a karma post on Facebook. It said "send out good energy." When we do this we make the world a better place. How can we do this if we're not able to accept ourselves first?
I cannot love others to the fullest when I am not accepting myself. Myself, as in the whole package. I don't clean the house as much as my husband. I should spend more time with my daughter. I should take my dog for better walks. I'm not skinny, fit, or even healthy. I should manage my time better, spend less money, the list goes on an on. We all have them. And they hurt so we push them away. Sometimes avoid or use other unhealthy tactics. The way to healthily defeat them is to face them, and face the head on.
Try it. Try looking in the mirror and saying "Its okay that I don't walk my dog enough. yet. I'm not in a place yet where I can do it. That's okay. I see this, I can accept it. When I'm ready I'll change it."
Ah! Then the pressure is off! We can relax and love ourselves. Which usually leads to being more an more able to change your it.
If your lucky and your one of those people that doesn't have much to feel guilty or frustrated about, or you've known all this for years my hat goes off to you! :D good job!
On the other hand for those of you who don't understand depression maybe this post will help. People (at least with me) with depression do not think that anything is okay. All those things I listed become massive boulders on our shoulders. Weighing our heats and minds down 24'7. We cannot escape. We do not believe its OKAY to be crappy at stuff right now. The world and most the people around us don't tell us its okay, or if they do we don't hear. We don't believe. How could it be true for it to be alright to be so big? So messy and lazy? How? The comforting words people say to us roll off "like water off a ducks back." They roll off and barely leave a trace.
Something has to snap back into place for someone with depression to believe its okay to be where we're at. When that does happens, healing starts.
I pray that one day we can all know and love ourselves for who we are and where we're at.
God Bless!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Being Sensitive is Okay
Media affects us.
We don't like to admit it. For some reason it feels weak if we are affected by negative energy in media.
Why can't we just watch a show or movie without it bleeding into the energy of our heart, soul, mind, and homes?
And Why do we convince ourselves that this dark movie, show, or music won't hurt us?
We watch things, listen to music, and expose ourselves to pop media because we want to be "normal" or included.
But then we wonder why we're so full of anxiety we don't know why we can't focus on our homework, or our patients levels with our kids is shorter than normal.
Well for me its because of that media. I was watching a show that wasn't good. It was pop culture. Even shows like Ghost Whisperer I can't watch. Not because it's scary but because it changes the energy in my home and soul. It changes me and causes little stresses to become bigger and sometimes unbearable.
So yes even though it's so frustrating I have to avoid media that brings we down.
My counselor said that even if someone on Facebook is causing undue stress there is no need to deal with it. Take them off your news feed. If a movie is bringing you down, turn it off. If a song is causing anger to build instead of promoting forgiveness in your heart for others that have hurt you turn it off or change it until you find something that does promote good feelings.
Our feelings are valid. All of ours!
If there is one thing I've learned between my Parenting class and getting counseling is that not only are my feelings valid so are everyone else's. (After a while I realized he always validated my feelings)
This is one thing that some parents have a hard time teachings their children. And I know how hard it is to tell my daughter "It's okay that your mad, sad, frustrated, and so on. yatta yatta" we talk about why instead of saying "its okay. You don't need to cry or yell."
And just like its okay for children to have emotions its also okay for adults to have emotions too. Adults however have learned to keep them under a certain amount of control especially in public.
In public can mean all sorts of situations and it depends on the person. For some public is the moment the step outside their home, or around people. For others at "home" can be public too if the relationships are not healthy.
Anyway its okay to be sensitive to outside energies whither they be positive or negative. This is why the wise tell us to avoid things that promote sin. For me these things bring anxiety and sorrow.
People, TV, Family, food, purpose, and media all affect us.
It is up to us to keep negative influences at a length. And keep the positive influences near us so as we can become/stay healthy and happy.
We don't like to admit it. For some reason it feels weak if we are affected by negative energy in media.
Why can't we just watch a show or movie without it bleeding into the energy of our heart, soul, mind, and homes?
And Why do we convince ourselves that this dark movie, show, or music won't hurt us?
We watch things, listen to music, and expose ourselves to pop media because we want to be "normal" or included.
But then we wonder why we're so full of anxiety we don't know why we can't focus on our homework, or our patients levels with our kids is shorter than normal.
Well for me its because of that media. I was watching a show that wasn't good. It was pop culture. Even shows like Ghost Whisperer I can't watch. Not because it's scary but because it changes the energy in my home and soul. It changes me and causes little stresses to become bigger and sometimes unbearable.
So yes even though it's so frustrating I have to avoid media that brings we down.
My counselor said that even if someone on Facebook is causing undue stress there is no need to deal with it. Take them off your news feed. If a movie is bringing you down, turn it off. If a song is causing anger to build instead of promoting forgiveness in your heart for others that have hurt you turn it off or change it until you find something that does promote good feelings.
Our feelings are valid. All of ours!
If there is one thing I've learned between my Parenting class and getting counseling is that not only are my feelings valid so are everyone else's. (After a while I realized he always validated my feelings)
This is one thing that some parents have a hard time teachings their children. And I know how hard it is to tell my daughter "It's okay that your mad, sad, frustrated, and so on. yatta yatta" we talk about why instead of saying "its okay. You don't need to cry or yell."
And just like its okay for children to have emotions its also okay for adults to have emotions too. Adults however have learned to keep them under a certain amount of control especially in public.
In public can mean all sorts of situations and it depends on the person. For some public is the moment the step outside their home, or around people. For others at "home" can be public too if the relationships are not healthy.
Anyway its okay to be sensitive to outside energies whither they be positive or negative. This is why the wise tell us to avoid things that promote sin. For me these things bring anxiety and sorrow.
People, TV, Family, food, purpose, and media all affect us.
It is up to us to keep negative influences at a length. And keep the positive influences near us so as we can become/stay healthy and happy.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Numb; but Alive
Warning: There is a difference between serious thoughts and minor temptations. Like when you wish you could ride a rainbow but you know you can't so you don't make plans. Its the making plans point that one should get worried.
So do not worry. Just enjoy the depth in which I'm about to take you. Unless you don't agree that this post is deep, to you I shrug, and only ask to have an open mind. Thanks.
We all have bad days.
What are your bad days like?
Think it over before reading on.
Really what are your "bad days" like?
Do you lay in bed wishing it could swallow you up, completely surround you in pillows and a window into a new world where there are only wild animals to cuddle and play with?
No sin, no sorrow, no pain.
Do you have days where you feel the need to knit a million projects at once because its the only thing keeping you from feeling to much?
Do you long for darkness, no more conscientiousness?
And get semi angry cause you believe that your conscientiousness will in-fact live on and maybe you'll feel even more pain after. So you sigh and remember your daughter. You remember yet again that you truly are the most qualified to be her primary caregiver. She needs you. So you push the thought away.
It was never really a true real thought because you know you'd never could.
The thought and sadness haunts you as you smile at your lovely, smart, tall daughter.
She looks at you with new eyes. Eyes that see so much more than you want her to.
then;
Do you all the sudden notice your snapping yourself with a tiny baby hair tie and its all your physically feeling? And it feels great.
Numb . . . yet Alive
Swimming through cloudy thoughts. Running from reality.
What is reality anyway? Is it what we make it?
Or is it just real, unchanging, unrelenting, solid reality.
pause
think
wonder
what are we really? what is
What is it to be Alive?
Is it food?
family?
purpose?
joy?
peace?
blood?
spirit?
chemicals?
synapses?
connections?
education?
Love?
How can we be alive if we have nothing? Do we have everything, and yet not at the same time?
Can we have, but not have at the same time?
So many questions without real -real- answers. Who has the answers? God?
These are my bad days. Internal, emotional, physical war.
How do you survive?
So do not worry. Just enjoy the depth in which I'm about to take you. Unless you don't agree that this post is deep, to you I shrug, and only ask to have an open mind. Thanks.
We all have bad days.
What are your bad days like?
Think it over before reading on.
Really what are your "bad days" like?
Do you lay in bed wishing it could swallow you up, completely surround you in pillows and a window into a new world where there are only wild animals to cuddle and play with?
No sin, no sorrow, no pain.
Do you have days where you feel the need to knit a million projects at once because its the only thing keeping you from feeling to much?
Do you long for darkness, no more conscientiousness?
And get semi angry cause you believe that your conscientiousness will in-fact live on and maybe you'll feel even more pain after. So you sigh and remember your daughter. You remember yet again that you truly are the most qualified to be her primary caregiver. She needs you. So you push the thought away.
It was never really a true real thought because you know you'd never could.
The thought and sadness haunts you as you smile at your lovely, smart, tall daughter.
She looks at you with new eyes. Eyes that see so much more than you want her to.
then;
Do you all the sudden notice your snapping yourself with a tiny baby hair tie and its all your physically feeling? And it feels great.
Numb . . . yet Alive
Swimming through cloudy thoughts. Running from reality.
What is reality anyway? Is it what we make it?
Or is it just real, unchanging, unrelenting, solid reality.
pause
think
wonder
what are we really? what is
What is it to be Alive?
Is it food?
family?
purpose?
joy?
peace?
blood?
spirit?
chemicals?
synapses?
connections?
education?
Love?
How can we be alive if we have nothing? Do we have everything, and yet not at the same time?
Can we have, but not have at the same time?
So many questions without real -real- answers. Who has the answers? God?
These are my bad days. Internal, emotional, physical war.
How do you survive?
Sunday, May 26, 2013
School;Fresh New Chapter of My Life
In November I had severe changes occur in my family unit I'm building. I made a fast decision, of which I'm really glad I did. I applied for a petition to BYU-I to medically waiver my last semester there, the one I quit on, flunked out on. I had tried to get help with one of the counselors they offer for free at the health center but it didn't work out. So they saw that they had grounds to grant me my petition. I then started the process of re-applying. It didn't take long for them to get back to me. I was accepted.
I made the commitment to finish my undergrad work with a Marriage and Family Studies major.
I know its not common to tell the world your on medication but none of this blog has been common.
At least not in my family or social dynamics. I will talk a little bit about it though because honestly there are a lot of brands out there for depression so saying I'm on one of them is vague enough for me.
I'm still not doing all the actions I should be as far as my weight goes. Ever since we lost our job I haven't been doing anything to combat it. I'm so focused on school, I'm not sure how to schedule my life to fit everything in yet. While doing stressful assignments I have started biting my nails again. Its hard to stop when you don't even notice your doing it until you realize your bleeding. Crazy I know.
Honestly I'm not sure if it's the meds or school or the fact that my marriage and home life is better than ever but I'm starting to feel like my inner self is growing back.
A great example of this is a flower I have planted outside in one of my pots. It looked like it was going to die but I planted it anyway. It kept struggling for a time. I kept watering and trimming it. I treated it as if it would bounce back and be strong. And it has. The old bottom part of it still looks dead but the new leaves are growing on top of those parts. This is a perfect comparison to the point I'm at in my life.
The dead parts of me are still there, still visible. I'm not completely strong yet. Not completely balanced in my life. I am, however, getting there. Because I'm keeping the light of Christ with me, the Holy Ghost with me.
I'm am just starting to grow and flower. Bright orange peddles of hope shine in the sun. These peddles are my grades, perspectives, and attitude towards life. I'm laughing and talking more. There are a number of people who might remember me and how much I used to laugh. Well, it seems these days Evelyn's always asking "What are you laughing about!?" (She says it clear as a bell too :D)
I'm excited to say that for the first time in my life I think I'll be able to get straight A's.
I was more focused on work in high school, and more focused on my recreational leadership trips when I was living in Rexburg.
I feel smarter and faster than ever before.
My goal is -again- to finish all of my schooling and get my
Marriage and Family Therapy PhD.
I never realized how great this field is. Family truly touches so much of us as individuals and society.
BYU-I teaches and constantly reminds us to learn, by and through Faith. When we learn through Faith we can truly gain more pure knowledge.
When I'm at Church now I keep my journal/notebook with me and I'm continually writing questions and notes down. I'm a student now. A student of all things.
Only those who have attended BYU-I (or maybe another Church (any church)) college and truly embraced properly all the blessings it has in store for it's students can really understand what I mean.
BYU-I is truly a Disciple Preparation Center. I am so blessed to have such a healthy thing to keep me busy and happy.
I hope that soon I can be off my meds and still do well in (and completely finish) school. I hope to become completely healthy in not only my spirit and personality but physically as well.
Thank You again to all who read. I appreciate your support and curiosity. Peace be with you.
Check out my school blog. Hopefully I can find time to fill it with the best notes from each semester.
joyinlearningbyui.blogspot.com
I made the commitment to finish my undergrad work with a Marriage and Family Studies major.
I know its not common to tell the world your on medication but none of this blog has been common.
At least not in my family or social dynamics. I will talk a little bit about it though because honestly there are a lot of brands out there for depression so saying I'm on one of them is vague enough for me.
I'm still not doing all the actions I should be as far as my weight goes. Ever since we lost our job I haven't been doing anything to combat it. I'm so focused on school, I'm not sure how to schedule my life to fit everything in yet. While doing stressful assignments I have started biting my nails again. Its hard to stop when you don't even notice your doing it until you realize your bleeding. Crazy I know.
Honestly I'm not sure if it's the meds or school or the fact that my marriage and home life is better than ever but I'm starting to feel like my inner self is growing back.
A great example of this is a flower I have planted outside in one of my pots. It looked like it was going to die but I planted it anyway. It kept struggling for a time. I kept watering and trimming it. I treated it as if it would bounce back and be strong. And it has. The old bottom part of it still looks dead but the new leaves are growing on top of those parts. This is a perfect comparison to the point I'm at in my life.
The dead parts of me are still there, still visible. I'm not completely strong yet. Not completely balanced in my life. I am, however, getting there. Because I'm keeping the light of Christ with me, the Holy Ghost with me.
I'm am just starting to grow and flower. Bright orange peddles of hope shine in the sun. These peddles are my grades, perspectives, and attitude towards life. I'm laughing and talking more. There are a number of people who might remember me and how much I used to laugh. Well, it seems these days Evelyn's always asking "What are you laughing about!?" (She says it clear as a bell too :D)
I'm excited to say that for the first time in my life I think I'll be able to get straight A's.
I was more focused on work in high school, and more focused on my recreational leadership trips when I was living in Rexburg.
I feel smarter and faster than ever before.
My goal is -again- to finish all of my schooling and get my
Marriage and Family Therapy PhD.
I never realized how great this field is. Family truly touches so much of us as individuals and society.
BYU-I teaches and constantly reminds us to learn, by and through Faith. When we learn through Faith we can truly gain more pure knowledge.
When I'm at Church now I keep my journal/notebook with me and I'm continually writing questions and notes down. I'm a student now. A student of all things.
Only those who have attended BYU-I (or maybe another Church (any church)) college and truly embraced properly all the blessings it has in store for it's students can really understand what I mean.
BYU-I is truly a Disciple Preparation Center. I am so blessed to have such a healthy thing to keep me busy and happy.
I hope that soon I can be off my meds and still do well in (and completely finish) school. I hope to become completely healthy in not only my spirit and personality but physically as well.
Thank You again to all who read. I appreciate your support and curiosity. Peace be with you.
Check out my school blog. Hopefully I can find time to fill it with the best notes from each semester.
joyinlearningbyui.blogspot.com
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Food, Panic, Addiction
I have been learning more about addictions as of late.
With this new knowledge I started to wonder and watch myself to see if I had any addictions.
This post about food has been on my mind since the dawn of my blog. I knew food was very much so influenced by my anxiety levels. The more stressed out I get the more I eat.
It's a common saying "comfort food" or "I eat when I'm unhappy and happy"
For some its more real than others.
Before my marriage and growing anxiety issues I had a good relationship with food. I didn't feel the need to binge unless it was a social thing (with family or roommates.) I could make a small meal and eat it without feeling the need to eat more or continue to eat. I liked food but I wasn't obsessed.
I feel I've become a little bit obsessed. Very much like the other behaviors that have seemed to become habit.
Something enters my mind that stresses me out beyond my ability to control. I start to shake. Usually it's in my leg or hands. I feel my body tremble. I have to eat something. The craving for chocolate is the strongest one. If I don't have chocolate I'll eat anything sweet. Frantically searching the kitchen for anything. My brain blank. Hands shaking. I pass back and forth a few times hands on head. I flee from the situation. Evelyn's napping so I run to TV to bury myself in.
I hate the kitchen. I try my best to stay out. Distract myself.
Then a thought will enter my head. PB n' J sandwich, honey toast, or just plain cheese. I will get up, in a rush, and go get it. Even while I'm heading to the kitchen I'm wondering if I'm hungry or just crazy.
During my weight loss program I have to keep track of what I eat and how much. I love this system cause it helps. I see what I've already eaten. I don't starve myself cause I'm not sure I should be hungry yet.
But then the anxiety that I can't eat whatever I want causes more "episodes" of stress in the kitchen.
We lost our job. So in affect our home, this perfect location, our tiny roots that I hoped would grow deep here are once again being dug out. We have no knowledge of how we are going to pay bills, where we're going to live, if it will be less of more stressful, will Evelyn transition easily or will it be harder cause she's older? Will even we even get a job?
These thoughts create panic.
Panic:
For me spreads quickly through out my body. And this panic has grown to form addiction type behaviors.
Addiction:
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
So how do we still this panic before it becomes a full blown panic attack? Causing trauma and addiction?
I don't really have the answer. My therapist is helping me realize a couple steps.
First step is to notice when it's about to happen. Follow the thought process as it develops.
Feel the emotions forming coming, they seem unstoppable, but they're not.
For me medication helps slow the panic process so that now I can do theses things.
The goal is to learn to stop the panic and unhealthy behavior while they're slowed then practice without help.
Others may not need aide.
With this new knowledge I started to wonder and watch myself to see if I had any addictions.
This post about food has been on my mind since the dawn of my blog. I knew food was very much so influenced by my anxiety levels. The more stressed out I get the more I eat.
It's a common saying "comfort food" or "I eat when I'm unhappy and happy"
For some its more real than others.
Before my marriage and growing anxiety issues I had a good relationship with food. I didn't feel the need to binge unless it was a social thing (with family or roommates.) I could make a small meal and eat it without feeling the need to eat more or continue to eat. I liked food but I wasn't obsessed.
I feel I've become a little bit obsessed. Very much like the other behaviors that have seemed to become habit.
Something enters my mind that stresses me out beyond my ability to control. I start to shake. Usually it's in my leg or hands. I feel my body tremble. I have to eat something. The craving for chocolate is the strongest one. If I don't have chocolate I'll eat anything sweet. Frantically searching the kitchen for anything. My brain blank. Hands shaking. I pass back and forth a few times hands on head. I flee from the situation. Evelyn's napping so I run to TV to bury myself in.
I hate the kitchen. I try my best to stay out. Distract myself.
Then a thought will enter my head. PB n' J sandwich, honey toast, or just plain cheese. I will get up, in a rush, and go get it. Even while I'm heading to the kitchen I'm wondering if I'm hungry or just crazy.
During my weight loss program I have to keep track of what I eat and how much. I love this system cause it helps. I see what I've already eaten. I don't starve myself cause I'm not sure I should be hungry yet.
But then the anxiety that I can't eat whatever I want causes more "episodes" of stress in the kitchen.
We lost our job. So in affect our home, this perfect location, our tiny roots that I hoped would grow deep here are once again being dug out. We have no knowledge of how we are going to pay bills, where we're going to live, if it will be less of more stressful, will Evelyn transition easily or will it be harder cause she's older? Will even we even get a job?
These thoughts create panic.
Panic:
a sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior, and that often spreads quickly through a group of persons or animals.
For me spreads quickly through out my body. And this panic has grown to form addiction type behaviors.
Addiction:
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
So how do we still this panic before it becomes a full blown panic attack? Causing trauma and addiction?
I don't really have the answer. My therapist is helping me realize a couple steps.
First step is to notice when it's about to happen. Follow the thought process as it develops.
Feel the emotions forming coming, they seem unstoppable, but they're not.
For me medication helps slow the panic process so that now I can do theses things.
The goal is to learn to stop the panic and unhealthy behavior while they're slowed then practice without help.
Others may not need aide.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Little Accomplishments
I can't even remember a time when I stayed for a full LDS church day.
Since Evelyn was born I have had lots of excuses not to attend them all. I let myself hide.
I've always been and always will be extremely protective of Evelyn. I have good reason.
Two weeks ago William went to church without me, cause I had work. He put her in nursery (our baby sitting type play class for 18month - 3 year olds) without a hesitation. She did great. She loves kids. She is learning lots good and bad.
So this Sunday he was confident she could do it on her own again without a hitch. I believed him but that didn't make it easy.
She was so grumpy and mad during Sacrement I was certain she'd want nothing to do with it. After though William says "time for nursery." Her head pops up. She's happy and eager.
We walk up the steps and in she goes arms up in excitement! She only looked back at me once. I walked down the stairs. Stared up at the open door. She runs past with a big red ball. A little boy takes it after she threw it, she walks up to him, snatches it back and walks out of sight. It was her's first after all so we just laugh.
We turn every step feels like a ton of weight. I make it around the corner. Tears start to well up. I freeze unable to take more steps. "We can go back and sit down near the door if you need." Williams words of comfort. Love and gratitude for him fills me. We go back and watch the door till it closes. We stand there a little while.
I'm no longer worried about her. She's in a public place with multiple women looking after her. If something goes wrong or she gets a poopy diaper they'll come get me.
Our need for attending full meetings is too great to ignore or be weak about. So we go to class together. I'm gripping my iPad for dear life. Now I have no excuse. I have to go in and face class. It doesn't make sense. Why be afraid to walk into a room and sit in a crowd? It was my first time going to this Ward's classes. Women can be judgmental, I know I used to be one of them. I'm mostly scared of getting unwanted attention. We like to notice new people. I'm still not ready to be noticed. Or sit alone either. After William left for priesthood I started playing a game on my iPad. It's hard to explain what was physically going on at that point but I was freaked. William came back to tell me Evelyn's okay so I look up. Someone I had met before looked at me. Then sits next to me. I melt and my freak out ends.Almost. Not until lesson started and I didn't get "picked on."
I guess I was afraid of rejection and group attention. I'm not totally sure. I know it's not uncommon. But it's a big reason why I've avoided church.
I was surprised at the fellowship of our ward! Unfortunately I always expected Utah to be clickish but they've been nothing but kind to me. Goes to show you can't believe everything you've heard.
I hope that from now on I can go with less and less fear. Taking that first step seems to always be the hardest. And Evelyn loves going to Nursery so I need to learn to let her. And maybe trust people more.
Since Evelyn was born I have had lots of excuses not to attend them all. I let myself hide.
I've always been and always will be extremely protective of Evelyn. I have good reason.
Two weeks ago William went to church without me, cause I had work. He put her in nursery (our baby sitting type play class for 18month - 3 year olds) without a hesitation. She did great. She loves kids. She is learning lots good and bad.
So this Sunday he was confident she could do it on her own again without a hitch. I believed him but that didn't make it easy.
She was so grumpy and mad during Sacrement I was certain she'd want nothing to do with it. After though William says "time for nursery." Her head pops up. She's happy and eager.
We walk up the steps and in she goes arms up in excitement! She only looked back at me once. I walked down the stairs. Stared up at the open door. She runs past with a big red ball. A little boy takes it after she threw it, she walks up to him, snatches it back and walks out of sight. It was her's first after all so we just laugh.
We turn every step feels like a ton of weight. I make it around the corner. Tears start to well up. I freeze unable to take more steps. "We can go back and sit down near the door if you need." Williams words of comfort. Love and gratitude for him fills me. We go back and watch the door till it closes. We stand there a little while.
I'm no longer worried about her. She's in a public place with multiple women looking after her. If something goes wrong or she gets a poopy diaper they'll come get me.
Our need for attending full meetings is too great to ignore or be weak about. So we go to class together. I'm gripping my iPad for dear life. Now I have no excuse. I have to go in and face class. It doesn't make sense. Why be afraid to walk into a room and sit in a crowd? It was my first time going to this Ward's classes. Women can be judgmental, I know I used to be one of them. I'm mostly scared of getting unwanted attention. We like to notice new people. I'm still not ready to be noticed. Or sit alone either. After William left for priesthood I started playing a game on my iPad. It's hard to explain what was physically going on at that point but I was freaked. William came back to tell me Evelyn's okay so I look up. Someone I had met before looked at me. Then sits next to me. I melt and my freak out ends.Almost. Not until lesson started and I didn't get "picked on."
I guess I was afraid of rejection and group attention. I'm not totally sure. I know it's not uncommon. But it's a big reason why I've avoided church.
I was surprised at the fellowship of our ward! Unfortunately I always expected Utah to be clickish but they've been nothing but kind to me. Goes to show you can't believe everything you've heard.
I hope that from now on I can go with less and less fear. Taking that first step seems to always be the hardest. And Evelyn loves going to Nursery so I need to learn to let her. And maybe trust people more.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
My Weight Story
I've been putting off writing too much about my weight. It's not completely easy to talk about. It's kinda a long post in the end it's worth it though, I promise.
I've never been a tiny girl. I always had a little bit of a puff if you will? shrug. Honestly that's how I saw myself anyway. I fluctuated between 140's-170's depending on the season.
I was about to go into my different seasons but really that's all behind me. Its fun to dwell on who I used to be. I was very active. I will tell you a little about the different stuff I did. I'll do my best to be brief.
Kick boxing was a work out with great friends where we'd do long sets of punching big bags, and kicking small ones. Along with other aerobic work outs. On awesome rare occasions we'd spar.
Shout out to cousin April! best spar ever!!!
It was a fun tough work out. I miss it dearly! I'd do this twice a week as often as my work schedule allowed.
I swam with our girls swim team all four years of high school. I was a middle swimmer, not the fastest but not the slowest either. All those who know how tough swimming is I smile and nod. To those who don't well try swimming four lengths without stopping. That would be the first 2 minutes of our 2 hour practice.
I'd do sprints, jogs, lift weights, signed up for PE willingly, biked lots (3 miles to work both ways, 2-3 mile paper route. Usually same day) before I could drive, and back packed with my family once a year.
When I went to BYU-I I most likely gained my freshman 15. The weird thing is I fluctuated so much in high school that it didn't feel off. I was honestly still at a normal weight for me when I went home for April break. My mom and I had lots of fun working it off and honestly I felt great when I went back for Summer 08 semester. I spent that semester leading back packing trips almost every week end. Some of the trails were only 5-7 miles but we tried to keep them long enough that they were worth doing. I was doing smaller hikes or lifting canoes onto tall trailers on the weekends I wasn't back packing. I didn't know it then but I was really at a healthy weight.
I say all this to show what I lost and what I hope to gain back into my life.
I met my husband that summer of 08. Long story short we were married in April of 09. Short timing by world's standards, but sorta long by LDS culture.
Getting married sadly took it's toll on me. We moved to Colorado Springs our first months together. I was extremely home sick. We had completely different ideas about what food was worth spending money on. And money was super tight (still is, such is life.) So I started picking up his food habits. Also our job was installing alarm systems so we were supposed to be in random locations all around the area. We were usually at minimum a half hour from our apartment. I was not good at thinking up new food ideas so we ate out a LOT. Wasted lots of money and I put on the pounds.
By the time we moved back to Rexburg my depression set in. And set in hard. I was so blind to the fact that I could lose the weight if I just swam. I had Never been that big before so it seem daunting. I gave up.
Really truly gave up. Gave up on school, gave up trying to keep our apartment in order, gave up on fixing healthy meals. I put on 30 lbs in Rexburg.
The only thing that saved me from putting on more was our family friend Vanessa needed help getting more comfortable swimming. I love teaching people of all ages to swim. Its a mini passion of mine. So it got me active again. Active and happy enough to find a job. A job teaching swim lessons and life guarding. I thought I'd lose weight working there but I'm not sure I did. I might've lost a little but after working there a few months I got pregnant.
We moved to Overton where I started walking regularly with Jessie. I lost some weight doing that but pregnancy cravings over came me. My depression became lesser but never truly left.
We lost our Vegas teaching job. So we moved to Hawthorne. In Hawthorne I attempted three times to lose weight. Each and every time I'd get to a certain weight where I'd start to feel my body get smaller.
It literally terrified me. I felt exposed to the world! I'd start shaking, then eating to calm down. I'd quit every single time I reached that point. Once I realized this I started really mulling and focusing on what might be the problem.
It was fear of success. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being hurt by my husband even at my best. Fear that I'd fail anyway or gain it all back. Fear of being someone that should feel good but didn't.
I wasn't ready to let my comfort blanket of weight go. It is odd that it would be a comfort. But it truly made me feel safe. It's a false safe though.
I can't even look in the mirror with out the worst emotions washing over me. When I put on my make up I focus on what I'm doing. I never just look. It hurts to much. William is constantly trying to convince me I'm beautiful. I don't believe him. I was once, but I'm not anymore. I post pictures of myself that are years old unless they are angled right to not show how bad its become.
I've once again started a weight loss program, one that I enjoy and fully believe in.
My psychologist says just me finding that reason might be enough for me to get past it this time.
I am scared that I will fail again.
I am SICK of not being able to look at myself with love and pride! I am TIRED of not feeling worth noticing or looking at. I'm tired of "embracing the fat girl in me!" Sorry if this offends anyone, but I am READY to be ME.
If you like the way you are don't stress to make yourself into someone your not.
I am ready to step out of my little comfortable shell and be the real me again. The girl who Loves to feel her body get stronger. The girl who likes taking pictures of herself for heavens sake. The girl who danced without caring who saw. The girl who fits into her engagement ring!
Another reason I've been feeling ready is that I've been reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Another shout out! Thanks Robert an Shannon for the book!
After leaving home my love tank was at best half full. Living with my parents I'm pretty sure my love tank was always full. In my marriage we were speaking different love languages. William is words of affirmation. I'm physical touch. Words would not convince me of my worth, but touch would.
We are both now working to make sure each others love tanks are full.
It's time to break free from the fear and move forward. Its time to burn my way back out into the world.
I've never been a tiny girl. I always had a little bit of a puff if you will? shrug. Honestly that's how I saw myself anyway. I fluctuated between 140's-170's depending on the season.
I was about to go into my different seasons but really that's all behind me. Its fun to dwell on who I used to be. I was very active. I will tell you a little about the different stuff I did. I'll do my best to be brief.
Kick boxing was a work out with great friends where we'd do long sets of punching big bags, and kicking small ones. Along with other aerobic work outs. On awesome rare occasions we'd spar.
Shout out to cousin April! best spar ever!!!
It was a fun tough work out. I miss it dearly! I'd do this twice a week as often as my work schedule allowed.
I swam with our girls swim team all four years of high school. I was a middle swimmer, not the fastest but not the slowest either. All those who know how tough swimming is I smile and nod. To those who don't well try swimming four lengths without stopping. That would be the first 2 minutes of our 2 hour practice.
I'd do sprints, jogs, lift weights, signed up for PE willingly, biked lots (3 miles to work both ways, 2-3 mile paper route. Usually same day) before I could drive, and back packed with my family once a year.
When I went to BYU-I I most likely gained my freshman 15. The weird thing is I fluctuated so much in high school that it didn't feel off. I was honestly still at a normal weight for me when I went home for April break. My mom and I had lots of fun working it off and honestly I felt great when I went back for Summer 08 semester. I spent that semester leading back packing trips almost every week end. Some of the trails were only 5-7 miles but we tried to keep them long enough that they were worth doing. I was doing smaller hikes or lifting canoes onto tall trailers on the weekends I wasn't back packing. I didn't know it then but I was really at a healthy weight.
I say all this to show what I lost and what I hope to gain back into my life.
I met my husband that summer of 08. Long story short we were married in April of 09. Short timing by world's standards, but sorta long by LDS culture.
Getting married sadly took it's toll on me. We moved to Colorado Springs our first months together. I was extremely home sick. We had completely different ideas about what food was worth spending money on. And money was super tight (still is, such is life.) So I started picking up his food habits. Also our job was installing alarm systems so we were supposed to be in random locations all around the area. We were usually at minimum a half hour from our apartment. I was not good at thinking up new food ideas so we ate out a LOT. Wasted lots of money and I put on the pounds.
By the time we moved back to Rexburg my depression set in. And set in hard. I was so blind to the fact that I could lose the weight if I just swam. I had Never been that big before so it seem daunting. I gave up.
Really truly gave up. Gave up on school, gave up trying to keep our apartment in order, gave up on fixing healthy meals. I put on 30 lbs in Rexburg.
The only thing that saved me from putting on more was our family friend Vanessa needed help getting more comfortable swimming. I love teaching people of all ages to swim. Its a mini passion of mine. So it got me active again. Active and happy enough to find a job. A job teaching swim lessons and life guarding. I thought I'd lose weight working there but I'm not sure I did. I might've lost a little but after working there a few months I got pregnant.
We moved to Overton where I started walking regularly with Jessie. I lost some weight doing that but pregnancy cravings over came me. My depression became lesser but never truly left.
We lost our Vegas teaching job. So we moved to Hawthorne. In Hawthorne I attempted three times to lose weight. Each and every time I'd get to a certain weight where I'd start to feel my body get smaller.
It literally terrified me. I felt exposed to the world! I'd start shaking, then eating to calm down. I'd quit every single time I reached that point. Once I realized this I started really mulling and focusing on what might be the problem.
It was fear of success. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being hurt by my husband even at my best. Fear that I'd fail anyway or gain it all back. Fear of being someone that should feel good but didn't.
I wasn't ready to let my comfort blanket of weight go. It is odd that it would be a comfort. But it truly made me feel safe. It's a false safe though.
I can't even look in the mirror with out the worst emotions washing over me. When I put on my make up I focus on what I'm doing. I never just look. It hurts to much. William is constantly trying to convince me I'm beautiful. I don't believe him. I was once, but I'm not anymore. I post pictures of myself that are years old unless they are angled right to not show how bad its become.
I've once again started a weight loss program, one that I enjoy and fully believe in.
My psychologist says just me finding that reason might be enough for me to get past it this time.
I am scared that I will fail again.
I am SICK of not being able to look at myself with love and pride! I am TIRED of not feeling worth noticing or looking at. I'm tired of "embracing the fat girl in me!" Sorry if this offends anyone, but I am READY to be ME.
If you like the way you are don't stress to make yourself into someone your not.
I am ready to step out of my little comfortable shell and be the real me again. The girl who Loves to feel her body get stronger. The girl who likes taking pictures of herself for heavens sake. The girl who danced without caring who saw. The girl who fits into her engagement ring!
Another reason I've been feeling ready is that I've been reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
After leaving home my love tank was at best half full. Living with my parents I'm pretty sure my love tank was always full. In my marriage we were speaking different love languages. William is words of affirmation. I'm physical touch. Words would not convince me of my worth, but touch would.
We are both now working to make sure each others love tanks are full.
It's time to break free from the fear and move forward. Its time to burn my way back out into the world.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Healing Home
I've been meaning to write this, these thoughts, since I got home from Walla Walla. Thanksgiving giving holiday.
It's been hard because so much has happened in the last month or two.
I want to focus on the healing and change I've felt occur inside me.
I started seeing my psychologist after I got home to Brigham City but I started my healing in Walla Walla.
See the home I grew up in wasn't perfect, no ones is, but my mom did a good job teaching us how to be emotionally intelligent. I think the fastest way to explain this is to post a link to an article off of babycenter.com And just say that my mom did most, if not all, of the things it talks about. http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-raise-an-emotionally-intelligent-child_11946.bc
I always knew I could open up to my mom about anything. And usually I did, and this holiday season I finally I opened up completely. The support and love I received was exactly what i needed. The things she had to say were somewhat of a shock but also I physically felt my body let go. Let go of this huge burden.
Sometimes we take on burdens that we aren't needed to. Sometimes we feel guilty for things we had no control over. And sometimes we hold it in for years thinking we can handle it. That it doesn't need to be talked about. Once you do though your world can change for the better in the blink of an eye.
I opened up to the people that mattered. My mom, my bishop (local minister,) my husband, my God, and my psychologist. I have not bitten my nails since. Talking. I have always been a big believer in talking. I never knew that not talking about it held me back so much.
With the honesty and help from my husband we narrowed down other problems, other things that are major (not complete) sources to my stress and anxiety. With work and continued counseling we are now going to be able to exterminate the problems, or at least fight them back as best we can.
My psychologist says the biggest step is knowing and admitting our problems. And knowing whats going on inside ourselves during different difficult situations. I've always been a believer in this. My mom was good at getting us to express ourselves clearly, and in order to express ourselves clearly we must first figure out what's wrong. Through this process I have been introspective and open. Hence this blog. :) shrug
I know, humans being curious by nature, that everyone wants to know what the causes were but some thing's are meant to be more private than a public blog would allow.
I want, however, to express urgently that talking and getting support is key. We are social creatures. We NEED each other!
I was nervous to open up to my family and friends. Starting this blog opened the doors for me to be honest and reach out. Without it I don't think I would have gotten as much healing, this last thanksgiving, as I did.
Feel free to open up to me. Or at minimum the ones that love you! Don't let old things hold you back! You may just be surprised at the love and understanding you'll receive.
So a special thank you to my mom and all those who have reached back when I reached out! I will never forget your kindness and love.
I have more to talk about so never fear, I'm not done yet. :D
P.S Happy Birthday World's Greatest Mom!!!
It's been hard because so much has happened in the last month or two.
I want to focus on the healing and change I've felt occur inside me.
I started seeing my psychologist after I got home to Brigham City but I started my healing in Walla Walla.
See the home I grew up in wasn't perfect, no ones is, but my mom did a good job teaching us how to be emotionally intelligent. I think the fastest way to explain this is to post a link to an article off of babycenter.com And just say that my mom did most, if not all, of the things it talks about. http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-raise-an-emotionally-intelligent-child_11946.bc
I always knew I could open up to my mom about anything. And usually I did, and this holiday season I finally I opened up completely. The support and love I received was exactly what i needed. The things she had to say were somewhat of a shock but also I physically felt my body let go. Let go of this huge burden.
Sometimes we take on burdens that we aren't needed to. Sometimes we feel guilty for things we had no control over. And sometimes we hold it in for years thinking we can handle it. That it doesn't need to be talked about. Once you do though your world can change for the better in the blink of an eye.
I opened up to the people that mattered. My mom, my bishop (local minister,) my husband, my God, and my psychologist. I have not bitten my nails since. Talking. I have always been a big believer in talking. I never knew that not talking about it held me back so much.
With the honesty and help from my husband we narrowed down other problems, other things that are major (not complete) sources to my stress and anxiety. With work and continued counseling we are now going to be able to exterminate the problems, or at least fight them back as best we can.
My psychologist says the biggest step is knowing and admitting our problems. And knowing whats going on inside ourselves during different difficult situations. I've always been a believer in this. My mom was good at getting us to express ourselves clearly, and in order to express ourselves clearly we must first figure out what's wrong. Through this process I have been introspective and open. Hence this blog. :) shrug
I know, humans being curious by nature, that everyone wants to know what the causes were but some thing's are meant to be more private than a public blog would allow.
I want, however, to express urgently that talking and getting support is key. We are social creatures. We NEED each other!
I was nervous to open up to my family and friends. Starting this blog opened the doors for me to be honest and reach out. Without it I don't think I would have gotten as much healing, this last thanksgiving, as I did.
Feel free to open up to me. Or at minimum the ones that love you! Don't let old things hold you back! You may just be surprised at the love and understanding you'll receive.
So a special thank you to my mom and all those who have reached back when I reached out! I will never forget your kindness and love.
I have more to talk about so never fear, I'm not done yet. :D
P.S Happy Birthday World's Greatest Mom!!!
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