When commercials say "depression hurts" it really does. It fills you to the top numbing your head and limbs. Fingers tingle at the tips longing for less and more feeling. Where are my toes?
It hurts your family because nothing they do or say cheers you up for real. An occasional forced smile followed by a hidden face doesn't keep the pain away.
Your head is full of cotton, it longs to implode.
The air is full of children's moans. Longing for love and joy to pass from the mothers bosom to theirs. Mother offers her warmth, but falls asleep trying to hide the pain. Striving to not pass it on, she fails.
In waking the mother sees her child beauty glows and sleeping.
Something snaps.
The child's beauty wakens the mothers joy. It's small. She holds tight to it, but its like reaching for a snow flake. Nearly impossible and when you do it melts cold in your hand, beauty lost.
The mother sighs at least I got a taste.
True joy is like a snow flakes (maybe not for all) sometimes it pours and you catch a lot, but sometimes not. Just because it lands on you doesn't mean you consume it. Snow isn't like water.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Juggle
My 2 1/2 year old is more demanding this semester than last. She speaks whatever she wants to loud and clear. I'm am still working on her emotional coaching.
She is angry at me. She is angry at me for not being alone with me as much as we were when William worked outside the home. She is angry at me for not having enough energy to chase her for an hour straight. Angry that I have to do homework instead of being attentive immediately when she wants to speak with me. Anger is in her energy, and I know how to fix it. But at what opportunity cost?
How can I juggle?
Married life.
Mother.
Student.
All of these thirds pull me in my heart and head. How can I make sure it all gets done? I'm shaking.
My heart is vibrating. The vibration makes its way down to my arms and finger tips.
Tightness erupts and my whole torso convulses.
I have no answers.
I have moved, and have not found a professional to help me yet. Medication only goes so far, I've been fighting to keep my head above water on my own. I'm running out of energy. My grade may not make it if I keep this up.
As much as I want to be Super Woman/MOM Student WIFE I cannot, for I am human.
She is angry at me. She is angry at me for not being alone with me as much as we were when William worked outside the home. She is angry at me for not having enough energy to chase her for an hour straight. Angry that I have to do homework instead of being attentive immediately when she wants to speak with me. Anger is in her energy, and I know how to fix it. But at what opportunity cost?
How can I juggle?
Married life.
Mother.
Student.
All of these thirds pull me in my heart and head. How can I make sure it all gets done? I'm shaking.
My heart is vibrating. The vibration makes its way down to my arms and finger tips.
Tightness erupts and my whole torso convulses.
I have no answers.
I have moved, and have not found a professional to help me yet. Medication only goes so far, I've been fighting to keep my head above water on my own. I'm running out of energy. My grade may not make it if I keep this up.
As much as I want to be Super Woman/MOM Student WIFE I cannot, for I am human.
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