I can't even remember a time when I stayed for a full LDS church day.
Since Evelyn was born I have had lots of excuses not to attend them all. I let myself hide.
I've always been and always will be extremely protective of Evelyn. I have good reason.
Two weeks ago William went to church without me, cause I had work. He put her in nursery (our baby sitting type play class for 18month - 3 year olds) without a hesitation. She did great. She loves kids. She is learning lots good and bad.
So this Sunday he was confident she could do it on her own again without a hitch. I believed him but that didn't make it easy.
She was so grumpy and mad during Sacrement I was certain she'd want nothing to do with it. After though William says "time for nursery." Her head pops up. She's happy and eager.
We walk up the steps and in she goes arms up in excitement! She only looked back at me once. I walked down the stairs. Stared up at the open door. She runs past with a big red ball. A little boy takes it after she threw it, she walks up to him, snatches it back and walks out of sight. It was her's first after all so we just laugh.
We turn every step feels like a ton of weight. I make it around the corner. Tears start to well up. I freeze unable to take more steps. "We can go back and sit down near the door if you need." Williams words of comfort. Love and gratitude for him fills me. We go back and watch the door till it closes. We stand there a little while.
I'm no longer worried about her. She's in a public place with multiple women looking after her. If something goes wrong or she gets a poopy diaper they'll come get me.
Our need for attending full meetings is too great to ignore or be weak
about. So we go to class together. I'm gripping my iPad for dear life. Now I have no excuse. I have to go in and face class. It doesn't make sense. Why be afraid to walk into a room and sit in a crowd? It was my first time going to this Ward's classes. Women can be judgmental, I know I used to be one of them. I'm mostly scared of getting unwanted attention. We like to notice new people. I'm still not ready to be noticed. Or sit alone either. After William left for priesthood I started playing a game on my iPad. It's hard to explain what was physically going on at that point but I was freaked. William came back to tell me Evelyn's okay so I look up. Someone I had met before looked at me. Then sits next to me. I melt and my freak out ends.Almost. Not until lesson started and I didn't get "picked on."
I guess I was afraid of rejection and group attention. I'm not totally sure. I know it's not uncommon. But it's a big reason why I've avoided church.
I was surprised at the fellowship of our ward! Unfortunately I always expected Utah to be clickish but they've been nothing but kind to me. Goes to show you can't believe everything you've heard.
I hope that from now on I can go with less and less fear. Taking that first step seems to always be the hardest. And Evelyn loves going to Nursery so I need to learn to let her. And maybe trust people more.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
My Weight Story
I've been putting off writing too much about my weight. It's not completely easy to talk about. It's kinda a long post in the end it's worth it though, I promise.
I've never been a tiny girl. I always had a little bit of a puff if you will? shrug. Honestly that's how I saw myself anyway. I fluctuated between 140's-170's depending on the season.
I was about to go into my different seasons but really that's all behind me. Its fun to dwell on who I used to be. I was very active. I will tell you a little about the different stuff I did. I'll do my best to be brief.
Kick boxing was a work out with great friends where we'd do long sets of punching big bags, and kicking small ones. Along with other aerobic work outs. On awesome rare occasions we'd spar.
Shout out to cousin April! best spar ever!!!
It was a fun tough work out. I miss it dearly! I'd do this twice a week as often as my work schedule allowed.
I swam with our girls swim team all four years of high school. I was a middle swimmer, not the fastest but not the slowest either. All those who know how tough swimming is I smile and nod. To those who don't well try swimming four lengths without stopping. That would be the first 2 minutes of our 2 hour practice.
I'd do sprints, jogs, lift weights, signed up for PE willingly, biked lots (3 miles to work both ways, 2-3 mile paper route. Usually same day) before I could drive, and back packed with my family once a year.
When I went to BYU-I I most likely gained my freshman 15. The weird thing is I fluctuated so much in high school that it didn't feel off. I was honestly still at a normal weight for me when I went home for April break. My mom and I had lots of fun working it off and honestly I felt great when I went back for Summer 08 semester. I spent that semester leading back packing trips almost every week end. Some of the trails were only 5-7 miles but we tried to keep them long enough that they were worth doing. I was doing smaller hikes or lifting canoes onto tall trailers on the weekends I wasn't back packing. I didn't know it then but I was really at a healthy weight.
I say all this to show what I lost and what I hope to gain back into my life.
I met my husband that summer of 08. Long story short we were married in April of 09. Short timing by world's standards, but sorta long by LDS culture.
Getting married sadly took it's toll on me. We moved to Colorado Springs our first months together. I was extremely home sick. We had completely different ideas about what food was worth spending money on. And money was super tight (still is, such is life.) So I started picking up his food habits. Also our job was installing alarm systems so we were supposed to be in random locations all around the area. We were usually at minimum a half hour from our apartment. I was not good at thinking up new food ideas so we ate out a LOT. Wasted lots of money and I put on the pounds.
By the time we moved back to Rexburg my depression set in. And set in hard. I was so blind to the fact that I could lose the weight if I just swam. I had Never been that big before so it seem daunting. I gave up.
Really truly gave up. Gave up on school, gave up trying to keep our apartment in order, gave up on fixing healthy meals. I put on 30 lbs in Rexburg.
The only thing that saved me from putting on more was our family friend Vanessa needed help getting more comfortable swimming. I love teaching people of all ages to swim. Its a mini passion of mine. So it got me active again. Active and happy enough to find a job. A job teaching swim lessons and life guarding. I thought I'd lose weight working there but I'm not sure I did. I might've lost a little but after working there a few months I got pregnant.
We moved to Overton where I started walking regularly with Jessie. I lost some weight doing that but pregnancy cravings over came me. My depression became lesser but never truly left.
We lost our Vegas teaching job. So we moved to Hawthorne. In Hawthorne I attempted three times to lose weight. Each and every time I'd get to a certain weight where I'd start to feel my body get smaller.
It literally terrified me. I felt exposed to the world! I'd start shaking, then eating to calm down. I'd quit every single time I reached that point. Once I realized this I started really mulling and focusing on what might be the problem.
It was fear of success. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being hurt by my husband even at my best. Fear that I'd fail anyway or gain it all back. Fear of being someone that should feel good but didn't.
I wasn't ready to let my comfort blanket of weight go. It is odd that it would be a comfort. But it truly made me feel safe. It's a false safe though.
I can't even look in the mirror with out the worst emotions washing over me. When I put on my make up I focus on what I'm doing. I never just look. It hurts to much. William is constantly trying to convince me I'm beautiful. I don't believe him. I was once, but I'm not anymore. I post pictures of myself that are years old unless they are angled right to not show how bad its become.
I've once again started a weight loss program, one that I enjoy and fully believe in.
My psychologist says just me finding that reason might be enough for me to get past it this time.
I am scared that I will fail again.
I am SICK of not being able to look at myself with love and pride! I am TIRED of not feeling worth noticing or looking at. I'm tired of "embracing the fat girl in me!" Sorry if this offends anyone, but I am READY to be ME.
If you like the way you are don't stress to make yourself into someone your not.
I am ready to step out of my little comfortable shell and be the real me again. The girl who Loves to feel her body get stronger. The girl who likes taking pictures of herself for heavens sake. The girl who danced without caring who saw. The girl who fits into her engagement ring!
Another reason I've been feeling ready is that I've been reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Another shout out! Thanks Robert an Shannon for the book!
After leaving home my love tank was at best half full. Living with my parents I'm pretty sure my love tank was always full. In my marriage we were speaking different love languages. William is words of affirmation. I'm physical touch. Words would not convince me of my worth, but touch would.
We are both now working to make sure each others love tanks are full.
It's time to break free from the fear and move forward. Its time to burn my way back out into the world.
I've never been a tiny girl. I always had a little bit of a puff if you will? shrug. Honestly that's how I saw myself anyway. I fluctuated between 140's-170's depending on the season.
I was about to go into my different seasons but really that's all behind me. Its fun to dwell on who I used to be. I was very active. I will tell you a little about the different stuff I did. I'll do my best to be brief.
Kick boxing was a work out with great friends where we'd do long sets of punching big bags, and kicking small ones. Along with other aerobic work outs. On awesome rare occasions we'd spar.
Shout out to cousin April! best spar ever!!!
It was a fun tough work out. I miss it dearly! I'd do this twice a week as often as my work schedule allowed.
I swam with our girls swim team all four years of high school. I was a middle swimmer, not the fastest but not the slowest either. All those who know how tough swimming is I smile and nod. To those who don't well try swimming four lengths without stopping. That would be the first 2 minutes of our 2 hour practice.
I'd do sprints, jogs, lift weights, signed up for PE willingly, biked lots (3 miles to work both ways, 2-3 mile paper route. Usually same day) before I could drive, and back packed with my family once a year.
When I went to BYU-I I most likely gained my freshman 15. The weird thing is I fluctuated so much in high school that it didn't feel off. I was honestly still at a normal weight for me when I went home for April break. My mom and I had lots of fun working it off and honestly I felt great when I went back for Summer 08 semester. I spent that semester leading back packing trips almost every week end. Some of the trails were only 5-7 miles but we tried to keep them long enough that they were worth doing. I was doing smaller hikes or lifting canoes onto tall trailers on the weekends I wasn't back packing. I didn't know it then but I was really at a healthy weight.
I say all this to show what I lost and what I hope to gain back into my life.
I met my husband that summer of 08. Long story short we were married in April of 09. Short timing by world's standards, but sorta long by LDS culture.
Getting married sadly took it's toll on me. We moved to Colorado Springs our first months together. I was extremely home sick. We had completely different ideas about what food was worth spending money on. And money was super tight (still is, such is life.) So I started picking up his food habits. Also our job was installing alarm systems so we were supposed to be in random locations all around the area. We were usually at minimum a half hour from our apartment. I was not good at thinking up new food ideas so we ate out a LOT. Wasted lots of money and I put on the pounds.
By the time we moved back to Rexburg my depression set in. And set in hard. I was so blind to the fact that I could lose the weight if I just swam. I had Never been that big before so it seem daunting. I gave up.
Really truly gave up. Gave up on school, gave up trying to keep our apartment in order, gave up on fixing healthy meals. I put on 30 lbs in Rexburg.
The only thing that saved me from putting on more was our family friend Vanessa needed help getting more comfortable swimming. I love teaching people of all ages to swim. Its a mini passion of mine. So it got me active again. Active and happy enough to find a job. A job teaching swim lessons and life guarding. I thought I'd lose weight working there but I'm not sure I did. I might've lost a little but after working there a few months I got pregnant.
We moved to Overton where I started walking regularly with Jessie. I lost some weight doing that but pregnancy cravings over came me. My depression became lesser but never truly left.
We lost our Vegas teaching job. So we moved to Hawthorne. In Hawthorne I attempted three times to lose weight. Each and every time I'd get to a certain weight where I'd start to feel my body get smaller.
It literally terrified me. I felt exposed to the world! I'd start shaking, then eating to calm down. I'd quit every single time I reached that point. Once I realized this I started really mulling and focusing on what might be the problem.
It was fear of success. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being hurt by my husband even at my best. Fear that I'd fail anyway or gain it all back. Fear of being someone that should feel good but didn't.
I wasn't ready to let my comfort blanket of weight go. It is odd that it would be a comfort. But it truly made me feel safe. It's a false safe though.
I can't even look in the mirror with out the worst emotions washing over me. When I put on my make up I focus on what I'm doing. I never just look. It hurts to much. William is constantly trying to convince me I'm beautiful. I don't believe him. I was once, but I'm not anymore. I post pictures of myself that are years old unless they are angled right to not show how bad its become.
I've once again started a weight loss program, one that I enjoy and fully believe in.
My psychologist says just me finding that reason might be enough for me to get past it this time.
I am scared that I will fail again.
I am SICK of not being able to look at myself with love and pride! I am TIRED of not feeling worth noticing or looking at. I'm tired of "embracing the fat girl in me!" Sorry if this offends anyone, but I am READY to be ME.
If you like the way you are don't stress to make yourself into someone your not.
I am ready to step out of my little comfortable shell and be the real me again. The girl who Loves to feel her body get stronger. The girl who likes taking pictures of herself for heavens sake. The girl who danced without caring who saw. The girl who fits into her engagement ring!
Another reason I've been feeling ready is that I've been reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
After leaving home my love tank was at best half full. Living with my parents I'm pretty sure my love tank was always full. In my marriage we were speaking different love languages. William is words of affirmation. I'm physical touch. Words would not convince me of my worth, but touch would.
We are both now working to make sure each others love tanks are full.
It's time to break free from the fear and move forward. Its time to burn my way back out into the world.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Healing Home
I've been meaning to write this, these thoughts, since I got home from Walla Walla. Thanksgiving giving holiday.
It's been hard because so much has happened in the last month or two.
I want to focus on the healing and change I've felt occur inside me.
I started seeing my psychologist after I got home to Brigham City but I started my healing in Walla Walla.
See the home I grew up in wasn't perfect, no ones is, but my mom did a good job teaching us how to be emotionally intelligent. I think the fastest way to explain this is to post a link to an article off of babycenter.com And just say that my mom did most, if not all, of the things it talks about. http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-raise-an-emotionally-intelligent-child_11946.bc
I always knew I could open up to my mom about anything. And usually I did, and this holiday season I finally I opened up completely. The support and love I received was exactly what i needed. The things she had to say were somewhat of a shock but also I physically felt my body let go. Let go of this huge burden.
Sometimes we take on burdens that we aren't needed to. Sometimes we feel guilty for things we had no control over. And sometimes we hold it in for years thinking we can handle it. That it doesn't need to be talked about. Once you do though your world can change for the better in the blink of an eye.
I opened up to the people that mattered. My mom, my bishop (local minister,) my husband, my God, and my psychologist. I have not bitten my nails since. Talking. I have always been a big believer in talking. I never knew that not talking about it held me back so much.
With the honesty and help from my husband we narrowed down other problems, other things that are major (not complete) sources to my stress and anxiety. With work and continued counseling we are now going to be able to exterminate the problems, or at least fight them back as best we can.
My psychologist says the biggest step is knowing and admitting our problems. And knowing whats going on inside ourselves during different difficult situations. I've always been a believer in this. My mom was good at getting us to express ourselves clearly, and in order to express ourselves clearly we must first figure out what's wrong. Through this process I have been introspective and open. Hence this blog. :) shrug
I know, humans being curious by nature, that everyone wants to know what the causes were but some thing's are meant to be more private than a public blog would allow.
I want, however, to express urgently that talking and getting support is key. We are social creatures. We NEED each other!
I was nervous to open up to my family and friends. Starting this blog opened the doors for me to be honest and reach out. Without it I don't think I would have gotten as much healing, this last thanksgiving, as I did.
Feel free to open up to me. Or at minimum the ones that love you! Don't let old things hold you back! You may just be surprised at the love and understanding you'll receive.
So a special thank you to my mom and all those who have reached back when I reached out! I will never forget your kindness and love.
I have more to talk about so never fear, I'm not done yet. :D
P.S Happy Birthday World's Greatest Mom!!!
It's been hard because so much has happened in the last month or two.
I want to focus on the healing and change I've felt occur inside me.
I started seeing my psychologist after I got home to Brigham City but I started my healing in Walla Walla.
See the home I grew up in wasn't perfect, no ones is, but my mom did a good job teaching us how to be emotionally intelligent. I think the fastest way to explain this is to post a link to an article off of babycenter.com And just say that my mom did most, if not all, of the things it talks about. http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-raise-an-emotionally-intelligent-child_11946.bc
I always knew I could open up to my mom about anything. And usually I did, and this holiday season I finally I opened up completely. The support and love I received was exactly what i needed. The things she had to say were somewhat of a shock but also I physically felt my body let go. Let go of this huge burden.
Sometimes we take on burdens that we aren't needed to. Sometimes we feel guilty for things we had no control over. And sometimes we hold it in for years thinking we can handle it. That it doesn't need to be talked about. Once you do though your world can change for the better in the blink of an eye.
I opened up to the people that mattered. My mom, my bishop (local minister,) my husband, my God, and my psychologist. I have not bitten my nails since. Talking. I have always been a big believer in talking. I never knew that not talking about it held me back so much.
With the honesty and help from my husband we narrowed down other problems, other things that are major (not complete) sources to my stress and anxiety. With work and continued counseling we are now going to be able to exterminate the problems, or at least fight them back as best we can.
My psychologist says the biggest step is knowing and admitting our problems. And knowing whats going on inside ourselves during different difficult situations. I've always been a believer in this. My mom was good at getting us to express ourselves clearly, and in order to express ourselves clearly we must first figure out what's wrong. Through this process I have been introspective and open. Hence this blog. :) shrug
I know, humans being curious by nature, that everyone wants to know what the causes were but some thing's are meant to be more private than a public blog would allow.
I want, however, to express urgently that talking and getting support is key. We are social creatures. We NEED each other!
I was nervous to open up to my family and friends. Starting this blog opened the doors for me to be honest and reach out. Without it I don't think I would have gotten as much healing, this last thanksgiving, as I did.
Feel free to open up to me. Or at minimum the ones that love you! Don't let old things hold you back! You may just be surprised at the love and understanding you'll receive.
So a special thank you to my mom and all those who have reached back when I reached out! I will never forget your kindness and love.
I have more to talk about so never fear, I'm not done yet. :D
P.S Happy Birthday World's Greatest Mom!!!
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