When I wrote Social Sanctuary it was raw and real. At the end of the day, I forgot to talk about the most raw part of it.
The part that clearly shows how unhealthy it's become.
What I'm about to say could be seen as graphic and is sad. So you're under no obligation so read further. It's not something usually openly talked about. Which is the reason I forgot to mention it. I'm adding it now because this blog is about full disclosure to the complete reality of my anxiety and where it led me.
That being said.
After speaking with William about what I had realized, missing my social sanctuary, he left me to watch my show in peace.
My emotions were still far from peaceful. Hands still itching at my body. Before I new it I had nicked one of my scabs and it was bleeding a little. It took effort, but I pushed myself to stop. It wasn't for another hour or so that I noticed I'd done it again.
Wil came up for bed. I tried to join him. I lay there fidgeting. I couldn't sleep. So I watched another episode. And tried again. Nothing. So I gave in and got out of bed, turned on the den light again and tried to relax. Without really noticing, at first, I realized I was no longer paying attention to my show. I was ravaging my scabs. Digging hard to get them all evenly open. When my job was done I breathed a deep sigh of relief, so relaxed, peace finally flooding me.Sigh. I could finally sleep.
It was the endorphins, and it did the trick.
I continue my show just to finish the episode. "oh ya Wil said I should try neosporin and band aides again." I grabbed my 'little attempt to stop myself kit' and apply a generous amount of neosporin and band-aides. My right shine is covered in them. They helped for a day or two. The healing is coming. I sorta regret it. It's hard to let go. I know I should, but that doesn't mean I'm excited about it.Unfortunately it wasn't really just the stress from the Relief Society dinner. This happens almost every night.
What will I do now to relax?
I really should swim every night instead. That would give me the endorphins I need in a healthy way. I suppose I need your prayers for me to have strength to swim.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Social Sanctuary
I've never been that great in social situations. Like I've said before I have to know people in a group well before I'm comfortable enough to speak up.
This is why Church used to be my Social Sanctuary.
Stakes are what LDS call an assortment of wards. Wards and Stakes are determined by one's geological living location. In some places if you move across town you have a new Ward. Which usually means more new ppl to meet.
Before I married and moved away from home, for good, I had a very close Stake. Where I'm from our LDS population was small at about 0.05% . There were 10-13 LDS kids in my grade of about 450. Since our numbers were so small we bonded together. Even if I didn't hang out with all of them all the time we were still friends.
At school I was shy, reserved, and honestly basically never spoke up in class. I had a hard time making friends. The people that usually became my friend during class were either ppl who sat next to me, were out-going, or were put into assigned groups with me. Emily was out-going and even though I embarrassed her sometimes she let me stick by her side because she knew the real me.
Work was similar to school but it was kinda my in between place. I was both there because I loved, and was good at, what I was doing. A few ppl there new the real me. I'd mention names but they know who they are and they know how much I Love them.
My friends at Church knew the real me too. We grew up together. We prayed, learned, talked, laughed, and camped together. We will always be family.
It wasn't just the kids of my generation that was family, it was also the adults that watched me grow up.
I have a number of mentors I will never forget. Some I out grew, but others I wish I had around 24'7.
I had no fear when it came to speaking up. I asked questions, and said what was on my mind. I had no fear of judgment or misunderstanding. In my eyes the adults around me loved and cared deeply for me.
Now when I go to Church, or anywhere, I become the shy silent girl I was at school. I tried hard to not let that side of me devour the other. I loved who I was at Church. Sometimes when strength or need drives me I do okay. It takes work. I like to make ppl comfortable. And I don't like being a bother. And I don't know what might bother new ppl. So I'd rather watch, observe, and wait till I'm more sure about my footing with each person I meet. If I don't I tend to put my foot in my mouth.
I went to a Relief Society dinner last night. My body was really tense but mostly I was blushing. I held my own, but barely. I only went because my visiting teacher came and got me. I stayed by her side just like I used to do with Emily.
The only comfort I had was someone's dog. If I could see it my face would cool off and my muscles would relax. Animals are so comforting. Maybe that's why I have three cats, and a puppy. haha
When I got home I was exhausted. All the energy I had was completely drained. And it dawned on me. Home, Church activities used to be my Social Sanctuary. Being home was like having a warm hug that lasted the entire time you're there.
To me that's sorta gone now too. I've gained so much weight that I'm no longer comfortable. All I feel is disappointment and embarrassment.
Part of why I'm writing this blog is to maybe help alleviate the misunderstanding and questions ppl at home might have as to what happened to me.
I miss home. I also scared to go home because I feel like a disappointment. I miss my Social Sanctuary.
This is why Church used to be my Social Sanctuary.
Stakes are what LDS call an assortment of wards. Wards and Stakes are determined by one's geological living location. In some places if you move across town you have a new Ward. Which usually means more new ppl to meet.
Before I married and moved away from home, for good, I had a very close Stake. Where I'm from our LDS population was small at about 0.05% . There were 10-13 LDS kids in my grade of about 450. Since our numbers were so small we bonded together. Even if I didn't hang out with all of them all the time we were still friends.
At school I was shy, reserved, and honestly basically never spoke up in class. I had a hard time making friends. The people that usually became my friend during class were either ppl who sat next to me, were out-going, or were put into assigned groups with me. Emily was out-going and even though I embarrassed her sometimes she let me stick by her side because she knew the real me.
Work was similar to school but it was kinda my in between place. I was both there because I loved, and was good at, what I was doing. A few ppl there new the real me. I'd mention names but they know who they are and they know how much I Love them.
My friends at Church knew the real me too. We grew up together. We prayed, learned, talked, laughed, and camped together. We will always be family.
It wasn't just the kids of my generation that was family, it was also the adults that watched me grow up.
I have a number of mentors I will never forget. Some I out grew, but others I wish I had around 24'7.
I had no fear when it came to speaking up. I asked questions, and said what was on my mind. I had no fear of judgment or misunderstanding. In my eyes the adults around me loved and cared deeply for me.
Now when I go to Church, or anywhere, I become the shy silent girl I was at school. I tried hard to not let that side of me devour the other. I loved who I was at Church. Sometimes when strength or need drives me I do okay. It takes work. I like to make ppl comfortable. And I don't like being a bother. And I don't know what might bother new ppl. So I'd rather watch, observe, and wait till I'm more sure about my footing with each person I meet. If I don't I tend to put my foot in my mouth.
I went to a Relief Society dinner last night. My body was really tense but mostly I was blushing. I held my own, but barely. I only went because my visiting teacher came and got me. I stayed by her side just like I used to do with Emily.
The only comfort I had was someone's dog. If I could see it my face would cool off and my muscles would relax. Animals are so comforting. Maybe that's why I have three cats, and a puppy. haha
When I got home I was exhausted. All the energy I had was completely drained. And it dawned on me. Home, Church activities used to be my Social Sanctuary. Being home was like having a warm hug that lasted the entire time you're there.
To me that's sorta gone now too. I've gained so much weight that I'm no longer comfortable. All I feel is disappointment and embarrassment.
Part of why I'm writing this blog is to maybe help alleviate the misunderstanding and questions ppl at home might have as to what happened to me.
I miss home. I also scared to go home because I feel like a disappointment. I miss my Social Sanctuary.
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