I've never been that great in social situations. Like I've said before I have to know people in a group well before I'm comfortable enough to speak up.
This is why Church used to be my Social Sanctuary.
Stakes are what LDS call an assortment of wards. Wards and Stakes are determined by one's geological living location. In some places if you move across town you have a new Ward. Which usually means more new ppl to meet.
Before I married and moved away from home, for good, I had a very close Stake. Where I'm from our LDS population was small at about 0.05% . There were 10-13 LDS kids in my grade of about 450. Since our numbers were so small we bonded together. Even if I didn't hang out with all of them all the time we were still friends.
At school I was shy, reserved, and honestly basically never spoke up in class. I had a hard time making friends. The people that usually became my friend during class were either ppl who sat next to me, were out-going, or were put into assigned groups with me. Emily was out-going and even though I embarrassed her sometimes she let me stick by her side because she knew the real me.
Work was similar to school but it was kinda my in between place. I was both there because I loved, and was good at, what I was doing. A few ppl there new the real me. I'd mention names but they know who they are and they know how much I Love them.
My friends at Church knew the real me too. We grew up together. We prayed, learned, talked, laughed, and camped together. We will always be family.
It wasn't just the kids of my generation that was family, it was also the adults that watched me grow up.
I have a number of mentors I will never forget. Some I out grew, but others I wish I had around 24'7.
I had no fear when it came to speaking up. I asked questions, and said what was on my mind. I had no fear of judgment or misunderstanding. In my eyes the adults around me loved and cared deeply for me.
Now when I go to Church, or anywhere, I become the shy silent girl I was at school. I tried hard to not let that side of me devour the other. I loved who I was at Church. Sometimes when strength or need drives me I do okay. It takes work. I like to make ppl comfortable. And I don't like being a bother. And I don't know what might bother new ppl. So I'd rather watch, observe, and wait till I'm more sure about my footing with each person I meet. If I don't I tend to put my foot in my mouth.
I went to a Relief Society dinner last night. My body was really tense but mostly I was blushing. I held my own, but barely. I only went because my visiting teacher came and got me. I stayed by her side just like I used to do with Emily.
The only comfort I had was someone's dog. If I could see it my face would cool off and my muscles would relax. Animals are so comforting. Maybe that's why I have three cats, and a puppy. haha
When I got home I was exhausted. All the energy I had was completely drained. And it dawned on me. Home, Church activities used to be my Social Sanctuary. Being home was like having a warm hug that lasted the entire time you're there.
To me that's sorta gone now too. I've gained so much weight that I'm no longer comfortable. All I feel is disappointment and embarrassment.
Part of why I'm writing this blog is to maybe help alleviate the misunderstanding and questions ppl at home might have as to what happened to me.
I miss home. I also scared to go home because I feel like a disappointment. I miss my Social Sanctuary.
Chantal, people come and drag me to church events too! Haha. Which I’m very grateful for. I have felt the same uncomfortable feeling when I go to things. It’s funny because in your growing up home ward everyone knows you, everyone knows your parents and your siblings and where you go to school and probably babysat you when you were little or taught you in primary. You have an automatic place of importance among your family and the many other people that love you.
ReplyDeleteI was surprised when I got thrown into my first married ward and the bishop came up and said “are you guys new?” every Sunday for a month and announced us over the pulpit as the Springmans :) Bless his soul, I really didn’t feel too important. I was thinking “hey! My mom said I’m the most amazing and talented person in the world, why is no one wanting to sit by me?” haha. Anyways, it’s hard to not have any past history to go off except what you know about yourself. I’m not sure what the answer is with this one, not that you are necessarily even looking for one. But I have had the same experience and had to force myself to remember my talents and importance without my mom and friends cheering me on five feet away.
I have always loved how comfortable you make me feel and I have always felt like you understood me really well. I try to be like that for other people too, because I know how uncomfortable being uncomfortable is.
Isn’t it funny how you feel different around different people? I have found that when I am surrounded by people I think I’m “not as good as” I feel inadequate and I never contribute to the conversation or offer to bring my mediocre cookies to the next event. When I feel like an equal or if someone thinks I’m really good at something, I suddenly become so outgoing and want to get involved in things. Maybe sharing our talents benefits us more than others? I don’t know, but I love reading your blog, I think a lot of people can relate to this post : )