The Unspoken Pain

When I wrote Social Sanctuary it was raw and real. At the end of the day, I forgot to talk about the most raw part of it.

The part that clearly shows how unhealthy it's become.

What I'm about to say could be seen as graphic and is sad. So you're under no obligation so read further. It's not something usually openly talked about. Which is the reason I forgot to mention it. I'm adding it now because this blog is about full disclosure to the complete reality of my anxiety and where it led me.

That being said.

After speaking with William about what I had realized, missing my social sanctuary, he left me to watch my show in peace.

My emotions were still far from peaceful. Hands still itching at my body. Before I new it I had nicked one of my scabs and it was bleeding a little. It took effort, but I pushed myself to stop. It wasn't for another hour or so that I noticed I'd done it again.
   Wil came up for bed. I tried to join him. I lay there fidgeting. I couldn't sleep. So I watched another episode. And tried again. Nothing. So I gave in and got out of bed, turned on the den light again and tried to relax. Without really noticing, at first, I realized I was no longer paying attention to my show. I was ravaging my scabs. Digging hard to get them all evenly open. When my job was done I breathed a deep sigh of relief, so relaxed, peace finally flooding me.Sigh. I could finally sleep.

It was the endorphins, and it did the trick.

I continue my show just to finish the episode. "oh ya Wil said I should try neosporin and band aides again." I grabbed my 'little attempt to stop myself kit' and apply a generous amount of neosporin and band-aides. My right shine is covered in them. They helped for a day or two. The healing is coming. I sorta regret it. It's hard to let go. I know I should, but that doesn't mean I'm excited about it.Unfortunately it wasn't really just the stress from the Relief Society dinner. This happens almost every night.

 What will I do now to relax?

 I really should swim every night instead. That would give me the endorphins I need in a healthy way. I suppose I need your prayers for me to have strength to swim.