I'm probably not alone in this. When someone expects me to do something my ability to do it completely disappears.
A good example is this:
Family holiday reunion at the Church. We were all hanging out watching the guys (and a couple girls) play basket ball. I was extremely pregnant at the time so I didn't play.
When they were finished my cousins wanted to play HORSE.
I used to play basket ball in middle school and shot hoops a lot at the YMCA in between short shifts. So I'm not bad.
During the game I made all the shots and started feeling embarrassed. Then I shot from spots I knew would challenge me. All through out the game I thought I'd miss but stayed relaxed and won. To everyone's (including my) surprise.
After everyone dispersed I continued to shoot for fun. I look over and my uncle was watching. I felt he then expected me to make a high % of my shots since he might've watched the whole thing. (I didn't miss any shots somehow other than the ones I challenged myself on.) With his eyes on me I shivered. I love this uncle but it still made me shiver. I was so shaky cause I thought he expected me to make it. I couldn't get it out of my head after that even after he left. I shot and shot until I made it.
During the game I was relaxed. No one expected me to win. No one expected me to continue to make my shots. So I did. But once someone expected me to do it. My body tensed up and I couldn't relax.
This happens all the time. Day to day. I have to set myself to relax. No one expects me to do anything all day other than take care of Evelyn. (That doesn't stress me out.)
Cleaning stresses me out. Making phone calls to set up appointments stresses me out. The only way things get done is if I have a surge of energy. I have to push myself to do it.
William has to let the water flow or it'll be like water hitting a big rock in the river. He would be there making a splash. I'd notice and strive to take in his needs. The splash doesn't go away until either the water level is high enough or the rock gets smaller it won't help. He helps me more by being loving and trusting enough that I will take care of our house hold.
The less he trusts me, the less likely I'll do it. The more he trusts me, the more I get done.
Expectations also affected my swimming, eating, and losing weight. My body tenses and I can't relax about the issue until I convince myself or realize no one expects anything from me. They just hope. It's hard to watch when someone seems to not love themselves. I myself would like to adjust some things others do but I'll restrain. I don't always succeed to follow the "golden rule" although I do try.
The less you expect from me the more likely I'll do what you wanted all along.
I'm not like this at work for some reason. Maybe because it's, well, work. Work is all expectations.
You learn them, then do them. Or you don't keep your job.
When one has expectations looming over their heads its hard to relax and focus on what they're doing.
Like having a boss or expert watch you perform. But I feel that way about the tiniest things.
This blog even. I haven't written in a few days, not on purpose or with out ideas, but because I felt expected to.
Silly right? Well anxiety is silly sometimes. It's when it's silly that we need to look at ourselves and wonder if it's normal or do I have a prob that needs serious help?
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
The Sun
Not sure how old I was when I first heard of the Winter Blues (can't remember if that's the right name for it.)
I do remember feeling more cuddly when it was cloudy. Growing up in Walla Walla our winters are foggy. Very foggy. Mid-late October truly was freaky because of all the fog.
I may have had the winter blues growing up but it was subtle. Growing up I had school everyday. Which meant chatting with friends, walking around campus, and you know not really worried about much.
Being a stay at home mom with a part time job, gives me about 10-12hours a week, I don't have as much to distract me as I used to. (another Topic)
If the sun is up when I wake up I'm happy. If it disappears I automatically start to feel lower.
I just keep dropping and dropping. I struggle to want to do anything other than sleep. Evelyn won't let me do that so I push myself to read, color, laugh, go outside, and play with her. The last thing I want is to neglect her. She is my little sun when it's gone. Unfortunately sometimes she's not enough to keep me.
I honestly don't even notice myself dropping until I hit a point. "what? what's different all of the sudden?"
Sometimes it takes me a bit to realize. "oh the sun is gone. huh hahaha Wow" I really think its crazy how something so small can drastically affect me.
We'll be sitting in the den reading books dreary tired feelings of lifelessness seeping infecting me.
Joy! Bursts into me! Life! I wake up. Look at Evelyn, laugh.
She blinks. Where did that come from? She wonders.
I look around. Why is she confused? Why are my emotions all over the place?
Sometimes I don't figure it out. But sometimes (like today) I notice.
Rays of golden sunshine are warming the den floor, my whole body, and my soul.
Not only does the sun bring life to plants and do wonders to Mother Earth, but for me too.
The sun. So glorious. I wish I could harness it inside me.
I wish I was a battery that could make it last forever! To never feel lifeless without it.
I drain way to fast when it leaves.
William had a hard time with us moving away from Overton because of his worry. Overton is a desert town. Hot hot summers but the sun hardly leaves, and when it does its usually not for a whole day.
My relationship with the sun was a big reason why we really wanted to stay there, even with the raise freeze. We went where we were supposed to. I'm happy where we're at. Just need to find a way for me to have my sun battery last longer.
I know this isn't a rare thing. I felt it was interesting and important to talk about all the same.
I do remember feeling more cuddly when it was cloudy. Growing up in Walla Walla our winters are foggy. Very foggy. Mid-late October truly was freaky because of all the fog.
I may have had the winter blues growing up but it was subtle. Growing up I had school everyday. Which meant chatting with friends, walking around campus, and you know not really worried about much.
Being a stay at home mom with a part time job, gives me about 10-12hours a week, I don't have as much to distract me as I used to. (another Topic)
If the sun is up when I wake up I'm happy. If it disappears I automatically start to feel lower.
I just keep dropping and dropping. I struggle to want to do anything other than sleep. Evelyn won't let me do that so I push myself to read, color, laugh, go outside, and play with her. The last thing I want is to neglect her. She is my little sun when it's gone. Unfortunately sometimes she's not enough to keep me.
I honestly don't even notice myself dropping until I hit a point. "what? what's different all of the sudden?"
Sometimes it takes me a bit to realize. "oh the sun is gone. huh hahaha Wow" I really think its crazy how something so small can drastically affect me.
We'll be sitting in the den reading books dreary tired feelings of lifelessness seeping infecting me.
Joy! Bursts into me! Life! I wake up. Look at Evelyn, laugh.
She blinks. Where did that come from? She wonders.
I look around. Why is she confused? Why are my emotions all over the place?
Sometimes I don't figure it out. But sometimes (like today) I notice.
Rays of golden sunshine are warming the den floor, my whole body, and my soul.
Not only does the sun bring life to plants and do wonders to Mother Earth, but for me too.
The sun. So glorious. I wish I could harness it inside me.
I wish I was a battery that could make it last forever! To never feel lifeless without it.
I drain way to fast when it leaves.
William had a hard time with us moving away from Overton because of his worry. Overton is a desert town. Hot hot summers but the sun hardly leaves, and when it does its usually not for a whole day.
My relationship with the sun was a big reason why we really wanted to stay there, even with the raise freeze. We went where we were supposed to. I'm happy where we're at. Just need to find a way for me to have my sun battery last longer.
I know this isn't a rare thing. I felt it was interesting and important to talk about all the same.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
The Reality Is . . .
I thought, hoped, that writing this blog would help me tackle my fear.
The reality is it might make it harder. Time will tell. I still have a number of topics I want to explain/show how anxiety can and does affect my life, and others.
William has more hope, since I started the this, that I'll magically do better and start swimming. Honestly so did I.
This kind of fear just doesn't disappear just cause you know it's there.
Staring at oneself, asking, where did you go? Who are you really?
Nothing comes, I have no clue. I want to be my old happy strong self again.
Was I really just a person of my environment? Why can't I stand on my own?
Sadness. Self hatred sets in. I turn away from the mirror and try to forget.
Evelyn is my joy, my relief. Without her I'd be worse.
I stopped by the center my bishop (church called area determined pastor) referred me to go.
He told us to go there over a month ago. I pass it on my way to work, my eye lingers, but I never stop.
Today I did. Good step in the right direction. I'm not sure what they'll do for me but I hope it works.
The reality is writing and talking about it might not be enough for me.
The reality is it might make it harder. Time will tell. I still have a number of topics I want to explain/show how anxiety can and does affect my life, and others.
William has more hope, since I started the this, that I'll magically do better and start swimming. Honestly so did I.
This kind of fear just doesn't disappear just cause you know it's there.
Staring at oneself, asking, where did you go? Who are you really?
Nothing comes, I have no clue. I want to be my old happy strong self again.
Was I really just a person of my environment? Why can't I stand on my own?
Sadness. Self hatred sets in. I turn away from the mirror and try to forget.
Evelyn is my joy, my relief. Without her I'd be worse.
I stopped by the center my bishop (church called area determined pastor) referred me to go.
He told us to go there over a month ago. I pass it on my way to work, my eye lingers, but I never stop.
Today I did. Good step in the right direction. I'm not sure what they'll do for me but I hope it works.
The reality is writing and talking about it might not be enough for me.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Fight or Flight; Male vs. Female
In fear we have two physical reactions Fight or Flight.
With my anxiety it turns to flight most of the time. I think maybe the trick is to have the mentality to fight. Fight because if you think about it, if your afraid of going to the pool, instead of curling up in bed you feel the urge to beat something down, to chase.
This post was designed in my mind to explain my different reactions while in social situations.
I've always shelled up in groups. Even in groups of three I shell up. The only exception to this rule is if I have had sufficient amount of one on one time with each individual in the group. It only takes one person I haven't had that time with and I shell up. I speak when I'm spoken to. I feel comfortable keeping attention of others, while in a group, only if asked or I feel its extremely important.
Why male vs. female?
Through the years I've come to notice that I'm much more afraid of males than females.
And by more afraid I mean that instead of the flight response I have the fight.
When I'm uncomfortable around a man I physically become super charged. My heart tightens and I instinctively become protective.
Fierce. Overly observant and on edge. I become physically ready to, in a moment act. I want to be careful not to seem violent but if I was to feel one I loved was in danger . . . . best similarity I can think of is Mama Bear.
Bears have to protect they're young from males. Maybe I'm not alone in this response to males, maybe its a human instinct? I'm not sure.
There are some men out there that I was instinctivly not afraid of at all, at first. My husband is one, his best friend another, a guy from work at home (Walla Walla, WA) and the list goes on.
I just never really know, but it makes me very very shy around men, guys.
With females I tend to just want to run. If a woman is overwelming or seems agressive I just try to avoid the situation as much as possible in the future. Which also makes it hard when you have no choice sometimes.
In those situations I try my best to grit and bare it for a s long as I can.
This really does sum up my social fears.
It has gotten though to a point where I avoid leaving the house just to keep away from discomfort. I'm a border line hermit.
I'm also very sensitive to positive negitive energy. I'll be having a great day. Then I'll cross paths with someone that isn't. If I know the person it affects me more than if I don't. But either way it affects me.
It got to a point that the energies I was around were getting to me way to much.
I switch myself off from the world. It was a part of who I was, and I just turned it off to survive.
I felt it was a gift. Something I could help ppl with. I thought I wanted to be a psychologist but I changed my mind when I realized ppl that are having a bad day would come to me. Giving me a bad day too.
I didn't finish school. I broke. I never was very academic (I don't even know how to spell it, spell check.)
But that's another topic.
We all have different social issues once in a while. Are mine different? I don't really know.
People don't really talk about all this much. Yes there is the occasional social norm to talk about how "nervous" one is about something or other. But to fully admit ones fight reflex to men? That's not really talked about. I thought it would be interesting to others. and maybe connect us all in a way.
With my anxiety it turns to flight most of the time. I think maybe the trick is to have the mentality to fight. Fight because if you think about it, if your afraid of going to the pool, instead of curling up in bed you feel the urge to beat something down, to chase.
This post was designed in my mind to explain my different reactions while in social situations.
I've always shelled up in groups. Even in groups of three I shell up. The only exception to this rule is if I have had sufficient amount of one on one time with each individual in the group. It only takes one person I haven't had that time with and I shell up. I speak when I'm spoken to. I feel comfortable keeping attention of others, while in a group, only if asked or I feel its extremely important.
Why male vs. female?
Through the years I've come to notice that I'm much more afraid of males than females.
And by more afraid I mean that instead of the flight response I have the fight.
When I'm uncomfortable around a man I physically become super charged. My heart tightens and I instinctively become protective.
Fierce. Overly observant and on edge. I become physically ready to, in a moment act. I want to be careful not to seem violent but if I was to feel one I loved was in danger . . . . best similarity I can think of is Mama Bear.
Bears have to protect they're young from males. Maybe I'm not alone in this response to males, maybe its a human instinct? I'm not sure.
There are some men out there that I was instinctivly not afraid of at all, at first. My husband is one, his best friend another, a guy from work at home (Walla Walla, WA) and the list goes on.
I just never really know, but it makes me very very shy around men, guys.
With females I tend to just want to run. If a woman is overwelming or seems agressive I just try to avoid the situation as much as possible in the future. Which also makes it hard when you have no choice sometimes.
In those situations I try my best to grit and bare it for a s long as I can.
This really does sum up my social fears.
It has gotten though to a point where I avoid leaving the house just to keep away from discomfort. I'm a border line hermit.
I'm also very sensitive to positive negitive energy. I'll be having a great day. Then I'll cross paths with someone that isn't. If I know the person it affects me more than if I don't. But either way it affects me.
It got to a point that the energies I was around were getting to me way to much.
I switch myself off from the world. It was a part of who I was, and I just turned it off to survive.
I felt it was a gift. Something I could help ppl with. I thought I wanted to be a psychologist but I changed my mind when I realized ppl that are having a bad day would come to me. Giving me a bad day too.
I didn't finish school. I broke. I never was very academic (I don't even know how to spell it, spell check.)
But that's another topic.
We all have different social issues once in a while. Are mine different? I don't really know.
People don't really talk about all this much. Yes there is the occasional social norm to talk about how "nervous" one is about something or other. But to fully admit ones fight reflex to men? That's not really talked about. I thought it would be interesting to others. and maybe connect us all in a way.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Church
I'm noticing and wondering if its a fluke but more people are reading than I thought. So thank you. That also changes how I'll explain some things.
I'm a Latter Day Saint (LDS) or Mormon if your unfamiliar with what we'd rather ppl refer to us as.
We're a religion that stresses church attendance every week. Church services are great. They are uplifting and the members are genuinely nice to be around. I should be going 100% but I'm going more like 25% these past couple months.
The crazy thing is I Never thought I'd be one of those ppl that stopped going because of something someone did to me while at church. Negative attention used to roll of my back, water off a ducks back. Since all the changes and new transitions I've had to go through I haven't been going to church.
These transitions include moving every year, sometimes twice a year, and living in four states in the three (and a half) years William and I have been married.
Each move meant a new ward, first impressions all over again, and the pressure and fear of having to make new friends. (Friends and social interaction is another topic.)
It's this feeling of "oh man meeting new ppl again" and "gosh I've just gotten bigger and bigger. I'm tired of ppl meeting me as Fat when that's not truly me"
The biggest reason for not going back to Church I think is most likely my tension in the "return."
A good example is when I as growing up I got sick a lot. I was sick sometimes for two weeks at a time. I always felt so stressed about returning to school. In elementary school I cried during school on those days. As I moved up in grades I knew I could no longer cry but I sure wanted to. I had NO reason to be so fully embarrassed but it just flooded my body and mind. I could barely look ppl in the eye for the first day, few days even. In those days I had my mom to push me out the door. If not for her I wouldn't have gone back, the emotion was so strong. Now that I don't have her. I have a confused frustrated worried husband who can't treat me like he's my mom. It would be rude and quite honestly Not taken well. So what do we do?
We don't know. Only thing we can do really is get me professional help. I know its all in my head, how do you get something out when you've been trying with little to no result on your own? its similar (if not identical) to digging a dry sandy hole with one hand? You can get somewhere but not very fast.
I've been trying to convince myself I don't really believe in God anymore. That I'm just done with organized religion. I'm not though, I'm just fully scared and tired of the "return." So if I convince myself I don't believe or care anyway then I will never have to. It's a bit extreme huh? Honestly it conforts me. If I'm done with organized religion than I never ever have to worry about returning. HAHA it actually makes me so happy :D that's how much of release it is. It's a false sense though. I'm actually trapped by my fear.
I am Not free I'm more stuck than Ever.
Now I'm posting this with the absolute HOPE that no one starts pestering me about going back to church.
I know just about Everything you'all 'd have to say. So Please please show some restraint and know that me admitting this is HUGE! I'm admitting this not only to you (publicly) but its the first time I've fully realized it for myself. Its very fresh.
My progress back to Church and God will have to be done on my own. But know this and be comforted, it has begun. Just pray for me that I might have strength and courage.
(disclaimer-ish:) My caps words are not yelling or negative just trying to express importance in listening to me.
I'm a Latter Day Saint (LDS) or Mormon if your unfamiliar with what we'd rather ppl refer to us as.
We're a religion that stresses church attendance every week. Church services are great. They are uplifting and the members are genuinely nice to be around. I should be going 100% but I'm going more like 25% these past couple months.
The crazy thing is I Never thought I'd be one of those ppl that stopped going because of something someone did to me while at church. Negative attention used to roll of my back, water off a ducks back. Since all the changes and new transitions I've had to go through I haven't been going to church.
These transitions include moving every year, sometimes twice a year, and living in four states in the three (and a half) years William and I have been married.
Each move meant a new ward, first impressions all over again, and the pressure and fear of having to make new friends. (Friends and social interaction is another topic.)
It's this feeling of "oh man meeting new ppl again" and "gosh I've just gotten bigger and bigger. I'm tired of ppl meeting me as Fat when that's not truly me"
The biggest reason for not going back to Church I think is most likely my tension in the "return."
A good example is when I as growing up I got sick a lot. I was sick sometimes for two weeks at a time. I always felt so stressed about returning to school. In elementary school I cried during school on those days. As I moved up in grades I knew I could no longer cry but I sure wanted to. I had NO reason to be so fully embarrassed but it just flooded my body and mind. I could barely look ppl in the eye for the first day, few days even. In those days I had my mom to push me out the door. If not for her I wouldn't have gone back, the emotion was so strong. Now that I don't have her. I have a confused frustrated worried husband who can't treat me like he's my mom. It would be rude and quite honestly Not taken well. So what do we do?
We don't know. Only thing we can do really is get me professional help. I know its all in my head, how do you get something out when you've been trying with little to no result on your own? its similar (if not identical) to digging a dry sandy hole with one hand? You can get somewhere but not very fast.
I've been trying to convince myself I don't really believe in God anymore. That I'm just done with organized religion. I'm not though, I'm just fully scared and tired of the "return." So if I convince myself I don't believe or care anyway then I will never have to. It's a bit extreme huh? Honestly it conforts me. If I'm done with organized religion than I never ever have to worry about returning. HAHA it actually makes me so happy :D that's how much of release it is. It's a false sense though. I'm actually trapped by my fear.
I am Not free I'm more stuck than Ever.
Now I'm posting this with the absolute HOPE that no one starts pestering me about going back to church.
I know just about Everything you'all 'd have to say. So Please please show some restraint and know that me admitting this is HUGE! I'm admitting this not only to you (publicly) but its the first time I've fully realized it for myself. Its very fresh.
My progress back to Church and God will have to be done on my own. But know this and be comforted, it has begun. Just pray for me that I might have strength and courage.
(disclaimer-ish:) My caps words are not yelling or negative just trying to express importance in listening to me.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Swimming
I really truly LOVE to swim! Guess what gets in the way? Yup my anxiety. The hours before the set time I gave myself to always go, when I'm not working, are weird hours.
It kinda goes like this.
In the morning "ah I don't have work today I can swim tonight, yes!"
By mid-afternoon I forget about it just so focused on Evelyn and striving to make sure her day is full of a variety of activities. Food becomes a stress (different topic.)
During her nap its "oh ya I should prob swim today."
The fear starts to creep into my heart and head. Tension builds inside me, my muscles slowly but surely one by one tighten. I try to avoid remembering just to settle my nerves.
William gets home during her nap and the day completely feels different. To no fault of his own, my guilt for not getting nearly enough done sets in after he's home. The desire to curl up in bed is so strong I end up doing it prob 60-70% of the time. I dive into other realities. Its his turn to take care of Evelyn so I just escape from this world as deeply as I can.
He then asks "You going swimming tonight?" I look up, pulled out of the deep ocean I dove to, deer in the head lights. And honestly the same amount of fear that maybe a deer feels when staring into real headlights. Fear washes over stronger than ever. Fear of what? I don't even know. Just physical bodily fear. He's still staring at me waiting for an answer. "I don't know yet" "okay, just let me know" the sadness and concern is clear on his face. He doesn't mean to add to my fear but when he does those looks I start to get shivers. I run back to my deep ocean cave as fast as I can after that.
Little things like Evelyn's laugh, yells, or cries pull me out. She pulls me out gentler than anything ever will. I look at the time. 7:30pm "oh oops, she'll be going to bed in an hour or so. I better be with her before bed time." We have fun, put her to bed.
Then it's decision time. Yikes. All the fear comes; to the eye of the storm it seems. Calm outside, face tight, heart pounding, I freeze. Sit there contemplating, searching for a reasons but my mind goes blank. Then an excuse hits me "I'm not feeling well. . . . I didn't spend enough time with Cosmo or William today. . . . It's not a big deal if I don't go tonight . . ."
All the tension in my body rushes away. Fear subsides, air fills my lungs in a rush I didn't even know I was holding my breath. A few more breaths of air then I dive back into my ocean cave. Everything is well again.
Not really though. Swimming eases future anxiety. If I swim one day of the week the rest follow suit. Miss one day and I go months working up the nerve to start over.
William asks again "so are you not going swimming tonight then?"
"sigh" I look in his direction. I give him my best excuse of the day.
I can feel his disappointment and his silence says mountains.
Sadness hits me like a flood. And the fear returns. I'm stuck in my seat. And even though I want to swim and I still technique have time in my mind my excuse comforts me enough to be just alright. But the guilt, shame, and depression that I didn't go swim the night before attacks me the next day, and the next and the next.
How to break the spell? I had a few ideas when Wil asked how he could maybe help me get past it a couple days ago. I told him to tell me to close my eyes and walk me through what it will be like. If he can help me do that I might make it. Cause really when I do that I see that there is nothing to be afraid of. unfortunately I don't know if I can do it on my own every time. I have bouts of strength wash over me and I make it. That is sadly, a rare occurrence.
I know this is long but I really want to be thorough in explaining all this.
Thank You everyone for all your support and loving responses so far. I'm truly shocked and humbled.
It kinda goes like this.
In the morning "ah I don't have work today I can swim tonight, yes!"
By mid-afternoon I forget about it just so focused on Evelyn and striving to make sure her day is full of a variety of activities. Food becomes a stress (different topic.)
During her nap its "oh ya I should prob swim today."
The fear starts to creep into my heart and head. Tension builds inside me, my muscles slowly but surely one by one tighten. I try to avoid remembering just to settle my nerves.
William gets home during her nap and the day completely feels different. To no fault of his own, my guilt for not getting nearly enough done sets in after he's home. The desire to curl up in bed is so strong I end up doing it prob 60-70% of the time. I dive into other realities. Its his turn to take care of Evelyn so I just escape from this world as deeply as I can.
He then asks "You going swimming tonight?" I look up, pulled out of the deep ocean I dove to, deer in the head lights. And honestly the same amount of fear that maybe a deer feels when staring into real headlights. Fear washes over stronger than ever. Fear of what? I don't even know. Just physical bodily fear. He's still staring at me waiting for an answer. "I don't know yet" "okay, just let me know" the sadness and concern is clear on his face. He doesn't mean to add to my fear but when he does those looks I start to get shivers. I run back to my deep ocean cave as fast as I can after that.
Little things like Evelyn's laugh, yells, or cries pull me out. She pulls me out gentler than anything ever will. I look at the time. 7:30pm "oh oops, she'll be going to bed in an hour or so. I better be with her before bed time." We have fun, put her to bed.
Then it's decision time. Yikes. All the fear comes; to the eye of the storm it seems. Calm outside, face tight, heart pounding, I freeze. Sit there contemplating, searching for a reasons but my mind goes blank. Then an excuse hits me "I'm not feeling well. . . . I didn't spend enough time with Cosmo or William today. . . . It's not a big deal if I don't go tonight . . ."
All the tension in my body rushes away. Fear subsides, air fills my lungs in a rush I didn't even know I was holding my breath. A few more breaths of air then I dive back into my ocean cave. Everything is well again.
Not really though. Swimming eases future anxiety. If I swim one day of the week the rest follow suit. Miss one day and I go months working up the nerve to start over.
William asks again "so are you not going swimming tonight then?"
"sigh" I look in his direction. I give him my best excuse of the day.
I can feel his disappointment and his silence says mountains.
Sadness hits me like a flood. And the fear returns. I'm stuck in my seat. And even though I want to swim and I still technique have time in my mind my excuse comforts me enough to be just alright. But the guilt, shame, and depression that I didn't go swim the night before attacks me the next day, and the next and the next.
How to break the spell? I had a few ideas when Wil asked how he could maybe help me get past it a couple days ago. I told him to tell me to close my eyes and walk me through what it will be like. If he can help me do that I might make it. Cause really when I do that I see that there is nothing to be afraid of. unfortunately I don't know if I can do it on my own every time. I have bouts of strength wash over me and I make it. That is sadly, a rare occurrence.
I know this is long but I really want to be thorough in explaining all this.
Thank You everyone for all your support and loving responses so far. I'm truly shocked and humbled.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Birth of This Blog
My little sister Kimberly started a mission blog, which was wonderful to read. It inspired me, got me thinking. "What would I write about? My life is so boring and honestly all about Evelyn (my 18m daughter.) What do I go through that ppl might be curious about enough to read?" And so the idea came, My Anxiety and Me.
I've suffered from undiagnosed anxiety my whole life. I have no idea how mild-severe it would be categorized but it has crippled my life since leaving home. I always had it. I didn't know but the signs were there. I have chewed and fiddled with my nails uncontrollably, I bite and rip of hang nails to the point of bleeding on a regular basis, since I can remember.
I didn't know that it was a big deal all growing up. For the most part it didn't cripple me when I was living under my parents roof. Somehow my mom kept it under control. Or having my constant confidant, best friend, companion, comfort, and rock of a little sister Kimberly was enough. She kept me relaxed and happy. Little did I know how much I needed my mom, Kim, my job I loved, my comfortable healthy schedule, my youth, my strong friendships outside of home were enough till after I got married and left home forever.
My new husband tried hard to fill my gaps but he didn't know how and sadly it didn't come naturally to him. He just couldn't be Kim or my Mom. Sounds pathetic I know. But looking back I died inside. I totally lost who I was. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought my marriage had to be to blame it was only thing I saw that changed. But I was wrong. Everything changed. It was like the life I was leading before made me who I was and without it I didn't know what to do.
I have a hard time keeping myself on topic. So I apologize to whomever might actually be reading this.
Every day is an uphill battle. Important things like making sure Evelyn has clean cloths, diaper and fresh food I can do. Getting myself dressed has become a must because of taking care of Cosmo and our new back yard. If not for that I would prob not even get dressed because of my fear of hating the reminder of my size. I also am now putting make-up on for work and William has asked me to but if not for those things I would avoid looking at the mirror just thinking of looking at myself puts me in a dark place. To vague huh? By dark place I mean my heart starts to feel to big for my chest and my muscles all over get super tense and my hands start reaching for my scabs.
My scabs. Some have been there for months, since July. one as early as early May. They are my first go to.
Okay this reminds me (sorry for skipping around, I'm not a good writer) I'm am self diagnosed. I learned that my behavior was a bit extreme from the show Obsessed. I started watching it thinking OCD ppl thats not me. . . ya I was in for a bit of a surprise. A few episodes were of ppl like me. Cant stop shredding their body because its relaxing. I am truly comforted by the site of my blood and exposed skin and the crunch of my nails in my mouth.
This is gross and very personal. I feel that sharing it will help me, and help others to understand me.
I know I prob should get professional help, ok I know I really should get help. I am trying to control it on my own. I know of methods to help myself and maybe this blog will do wonders. We'll see. The honest truth is we don't have the money and I don't want the Church (LDS) to pay for it. Shrug. That's whole other topic.
To all those that are ready this please be respectful and learn a little about this before trying to give me advice. I just want listening ears. I only want a qualified psychologist to try and cure me.
Thanks. Love you all!
I've suffered from undiagnosed anxiety my whole life. I have no idea how mild-severe it would be categorized but it has crippled my life since leaving home. I always had it. I didn't know but the signs were there. I have chewed and fiddled with my nails uncontrollably, I bite and rip of hang nails to the point of bleeding on a regular basis, since I can remember.
I didn't know that it was a big deal all growing up. For the most part it didn't cripple me when I was living under my parents roof. Somehow my mom kept it under control. Or having my constant confidant, best friend, companion, comfort, and rock of a little sister Kimberly was enough. She kept me relaxed and happy. Little did I know how much I needed my mom, Kim, my job I loved, my comfortable healthy schedule, my youth, my strong friendships outside of home were enough till after I got married and left home forever.
My new husband tried hard to fill my gaps but he didn't know how and sadly it didn't come naturally to him. He just couldn't be Kim or my Mom. Sounds pathetic I know. But looking back I died inside. I totally lost who I was. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought my marriage had to be to blame it was only thing I saw that changed. But I was wrong. Everything changed. It was like the life I was leading before made me who I was and without it I didn't know what to do.
I have a hard time keeping myself on topic. So I apologize to whomever might actually be reading this.
Every day is an uphill battle. Important things like making sure Evelyn has clean cloths, diaper and fresh food I can do. Getting myself dressed has become a must because of taking care of Cosmo and our new back yard. If not for that I would prob not even get dressed because of my fear of hating the reminder of my size. I also am now putting make-up on for work and William has asked me to but if not for those things I would avoid looking at the mirror just thinking of looking at myself puts me in a dark place. To vague huh? By dark place I mean my heart starts to feel to big for my chest and my muscles all over get super tense and my hands start reaching for my scabs.
My scabs. Some have been there for months, since July. one as early as early May. They are my first go to.
Okay this reminds me (sorry for skipping around, I'm not a good writer) I'm am self diagnosed. I learned that my behavior was a bit extreme from the show Obsessed. I started watching it thinking OCD ppl thats not me. . . ya I was in for a bit of a surprise. A few episodes were of ppl like me. Cant stop shredding their body because its relaxing. I am truly comforted by the site of my blood and exposed skin and the crunch of my nails in my mouth.
This is gross and very personal. I feel that sharing it will help me, and help others to understand me.
I know I prob should get professional help, ok I know I really should get help. I am trying to control it on my own. I know of methods to help myself and maybe this blog will do wonders. We'll see. The honest truth is we don't have the money and I don't want the Church (LDS) to pay for it. Shrug. That's whole other topic.
To all those that are ready this please be respectful and learn a little about this before trying to give me advice. I just want listening ears. I only want a qualified psychologist to try and cure me.
Thanks. Love you all!
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