Church

I'm noticing and wondering if its a fluke but more people are reading than I thought. So thank you. That also changes how I'll explain some things.

I'm a Latter Day Saint (LDS) or Mormon if your unfamiliar with what we'd rather ppl refer to us as.
We're a religion that stresses church attendance every week. Church services are great. They are uplifting and the members are genuinely nice to be around. I should be going 100% but I'm going more like 25% these past couple months.

The crazy thing is I Never thought I'd be one of those ppl that stopped going because of something someone did to me while at church. Negative attention used to roll of my back, water off a ducks back. Since all the changes and new transitions I've had to go through I haven't been going to church.
 These transitions include moving every year, sometimes twice a year, and living in four states in the three (and a half) years William and I have been married.
Each move meant a new ward, first impressions all over again,  and the pressure and fear of having to make new friends. (Friends and social interaction is another topic.)
It's this feeling of "oh man meeting new ppl again" and "gosh I've just gotten bigger and bigger. I'm tired of ppl meeting me as Fat when that's not truly me"

The biggest reason for not going back to Church I think is most likely my tension in the "return."

A good example is when I as growing up I got sick a lot. I was sick sometimes for two weeks at a time. I always felt so stressed about returning to school. In elementary school I cried during school on those days. As I moved up in grades I knew I could no longer cry but I sure wanted to. I had NO reason to be so fully embarrassed but it just flooded my body and mind. I could barely look ppl in the eye for the first day, few days even. In those days I had my mom to push me out the door. If not for her I wouldn't have gone back, the emotion was so strong. Now that I don't have her. I have a confused frustrated worried husband who can't treat me like he's my mom. It would be rude and quite honestly Not taken well. So what do we do?

We don't know. Only thing we can do really is get me professional help. I know its all in my head, how do you get something out when you've been trying with little to no result on your own? its similar (if not identical) to digging a dry sandy hole with one hand? You can get somewhere but not very fast.

I've been trying to convince myself I don't really believe in God anymore. That I'm just done with organized religion. I'm not though, I'm just fully scared and tired of the "return." So if I convince myself I don't believe or care anyway then I will never have to. It's a bit extreme huh? Honestly it conforts me. If I'm done with organized religion than I never ever have to worry about returning. HAHA it actually makes me so happy :D that's how much of release it is. It's a false sense though. I'm actually trapped by my fear.

I am Not free I'm more stuck than Ever.

Now I'm posting this with the absolute HOPE that no one starts pestering me about going back to church.
I know just about Everything you'all 'd have to say. So Please please show some restraint and know that me admitting this is HUGE! I'm admitting this not only to you (publicly) but its the first time I've fully realized it for myself. Its very fresh.

My progress back to Church and God will have to be done on my own. But know this and be comforted, it has begun. Just pray for me that I might have strength and courage.


(disclaimer-ish:) My caps words are not yelling or negative just trying to express importance in listening to me.