Expectations

I'm probably not alone in this. When someone expects me to do something my ability to do it completely disappears.

A good example is this:
Family holiday reunion at the Church. We were all hanging out watching the guys (and a couple girls) play basket ball. I was extremely pregnant at the time so I didn't play.

When they were finished my cousins wanted to play HORSE.
I used to play basket ball in middle school and shot hoops a lot at the YMCA in between short shifts. So I'm not bad.
During the game I made all the shots and started feeling embarrassed. Then I shot from spots I knew would challenge me. All through out the game I thought I'd miss but stayed relaxed and won. To everyone's (including my) surprise.

After everyone dispersed I continued to shoot for fun. I look over and my uncle was watching. I felt he then expected me to make a high % of my shots since he might've watched the whole thing. (I didn't miss any shots somehow other than the ones I challenged myself on.) With his eyes on me I shivered. I love this uncle but it still made me shiver. I was so shaky cause I thought he expected me to make it. I couldn't get it out of my head after that even after he left. I shot and shot until I made it.

During the game I was relaxed. No one expected me to win. No one expected me to continue to make my shots. So I did. But once someone expected me to do it. My body tensed up and I couldn't relax.

This happens all the time. Day to day. I have to set myself to relax. No one expects me to do anything all day other than take care of Evelyn. (That doesn't stress me out.)
Cleaning stresses me out. Making phone calls to set up appointments stresses me out. The only way things get done is if I have a surge of energy. I have to push myself to do it.

William has to let the water flow or it'll be like water hitting a big rock in the river. He would be there making a splash. I'd notice and strive to take in his needs. The splash doesn't go away until either the water level is high enough or the rock gets smaller it won't help. He helps me more by being loving and trusting enough that I will take care of our house hold.
The less he trusts me, the less likely I'll do it. The more he trusts me, the more I get done.

Expectations also affected my swimming, eating, and losing weight. My body tenses and I can't relax about the issue until I convince myself or realize no one expects anything from me. They just hope. It's hard to watch when someone seems to not love themselves. I myself would like to adjust some things others do but I'll restrain. I don't always succeed to follow the "golden rule" although I do try.

The less you expect from me the more likely I'll do what you wanted all along.

I'm not like this at work for some reason. Maybe because it's, well, work. Work is all expectations.
You learn them, then do them. Or you don't keep your job.

When one has expectations looming over their heads its hard to relax and focus on what they're doing.
Like having a boss or expert watch you perform. But I feel that way about the tiniest things.
This blog even. I haven't written in a few days, not on purpose or with out ideas, but because I felt expected to.

Silly right? Well anxiety is silly sometimes. It's when it's silly that we need to look at ourselves and wonder if it's normal or do I have a prob that needs serious help?