Swimming

I really truly LOVE to swim! Guess what gets in the way? Yup my anxiety. The hours before the set time I gave myself to always go, when I'm not working, are weird hours.

It kinda goes like this.
  In the morning "ah I don't have work today I can swim tonight, yes!"
  By mid-afternoon I forget about it just so focused on Evelyn and striving to make sure her day is full of a variety of activities. Food becomes a stress (different topic.)
 During her nap its "oh ya I should prob swim today."
The fear starts to creep into my heart and head. Tension builds inside me, my muscles slowly but surely one by one tighten. I try to avoid remembering just to settle my nerves.
  William gets home during her nap and the day completely feels different. To no fault of his own, my guilt for not getting nearly enough done sets in after he's home.  The desire to curl up in bed is so strong I end up doing it prob 60-70% of the time. I dive into other realities. Its his turn to take care of Evelyn so I just escape from this world as deeply as I can.
   He then asks "You going swimming tonight?" I look up, pulled out of the deep ocean I dove to, deer in the head lights. And honestly the same amount of fear that maybe a deer feels when staring into real headlights. Fear washes over stronger than ever. Fear of what? I don't even know. Just physical bodily fear. He's still staring at me waiting for an answer. "I don't know yet" "okay, just let me know" the sadness and concern is clear on his face. He doesn't mean to add to my fear but when he does those looks I start to get shivers. I run back to my deep ocean cave as fast as I can after that.
 Little things like Evelyn's laugh, yells, or cries pull me out. She pulls me out gentler than anything ever will. I look at the time. 7:30pm "oh oops, she'll be going to bed in an hour or so. I better be with her before bed time." We have fun, put her to bed.
  Then it's decision time. Yikes. All the fear comes; to the eye of the storm it seems. Calm outside, face tight, heart pounding, I freeze. Sit there contemplating, searching for a reasons but my mind goes blank. Then an excuse hits me "I'm not feeling well. . . . I didn't spend enough time with Cosmo or William today. . . . It's not a big deal if I don't go tonight . . ."
All the tension in my body rushes away. Fear subsides, air fills my lungs in a rush I didn't even know I was holding my breath. A few more breaths of air then I dive back into my ocean cave. Everything is well again.

Not really though. Swimming eases future anxiety. If I swim one day of the week the rest follow suit. Miss one day and I go months working up the nerve to start over.

William asks again "so are you not going swimming tonight then?"
"sigh" I look in his direction. I give him my best excuse of the day.
I can feel his disappointment and his silence says mountains.

Sadness hits me like a flood. And the fear returns. I'm stuck in my seat. And even though I want to swim and I still technique have time in my mind my excuse comforts me enough to be just alright. But the guilt, shame, and depression that I didn't go swim the night before attacks me the next day, and the next and the next.

How to break the spell? I had a few ideas when Wil asked how he could maybe help me get past it a couple days ago. I told him to tell me to close my eyes and walk me through what it will be like. If he can help me do that I might make it. Cause really when I do that I see that there is nothing to be afraid of. unfortunately I don't know if I can do it on my own every time. I have bouts of strength wash over me and I make it. That is sadly, a rare occurrence.

I know this is long but I really want to be thorough in explaining all this.

Thank You everyone for all your support and loving responses so far. I'm truly shocked and humbled.