With this new knowledge I started to wonder and watch myself to see if I had any addictions.
This post about food has been on my mind since the dawn of my blog. I knew food was very much so influenced by my anxiety levels. The more stressed out I get the more I eat.
It's a common saying "comfort food" or "I eat when I'm unhappy and happy"
For some its more real than others.
Before my marriage and growing anxiety issues I had a good relationship with food. I didn't feel the need to binge unless it was a social thing (with family or roommates.) I could make a small meal and eat it without feeling the need to eat more or continue to eat. I liked food but I wasn't obsessed.
I feel I've become a little bit obsessed. Very much like the other behaviors that have seemed to become habit.
Something enters my mind that stresses me out beyond my ability to control. I start to shake. Usually it's in my leg or hands. I feel my body tremble. I have to eat something. The craving for chocolate is the strongest one. If I don't have chocolate I'll eat anything sweet. Frantically searching the kitchen for anything. My brain blank. Hands shaking. I pass back and forth a few times hands on head. I flee from the situation. Evelyn's napping so I run to TV to bury myself in.
I hate the kitchen. I try my best to stay out. Distract myself.
Then a thought will enter my head. PB n' J sandwich, honey toast, or just plain cheese. I will get up, in a rush, and go get it. Even while I'm heading to the kitchen I'm wondering if I'm hungry or just crazy.
During my weight loss program I have to keep track of what I eat and how much. I love this system cause it helps. I see what I've already eaten. I don't starve myself cause I'm not sure I should be hungry yet.
But then the anxiety that I can't eat whatever I want causes more "episodes" of stress in the kitchen.
We lost our job. So in affect our home, this perfect location, our tiny roots that I hoped would grow deep here are once again being dug out. We have no knowledge of how we are going to pay bills, where we're going to live, if it will be less of more stressful, will Evelyn transition easily or will it be harder cause she's older? Will even we even get a job?
These thoughts create panic.
Panic:
a sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior, and that often spreads quickly through a group of persons or animals.
For me spreads quickly through out my body. And this panic has grown to form addiction type behaviors.
Addiction:
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
So how do we still this panic before it becomes a full blown panic attack? Causing trauma and addiction?
I don't really have the answer. My therapist is helping me realize a couple steps.
First step is to notice when it's about to happen. Follow the thought process as it develops.
Feel the emotions forming coming, they seem unstoppable, but they're not.
For me medication helps slow the panic process so that now I can do theses things.
The goal is to learn to stop the panic and unhealthy behavior while they're slowed then practice without help.
Others may not need aide.
