Little Accomplishments

I can't even remember a time when I stayed for a full LDS church day.
Since Evelyn was born I have had lots of excuses not to attend them all. I let myself hide.

I've always been and always will be extremely protective of Evelyn. I have good reason.
Two weeks ago William went to church without me, cause I had work. He put her in nursery (our baby sitting type play class for 18month - 3 year olds) without a hesitation. She did great. She loves kids. She is learning lots good and bad.
So this Sunday he was confident she could do it on her own again without a hitch. I believed him but that didn't make it easy.
 She was so grumpy and mad during Sacrement I was certain she'd want nothing to do with it. After though William says "time for nursery." Her head pops up. She's happy and eager.
 We walk up the steps and in she goes arms up in excitement! She only looked back at me once. I walked down the stairs. Stared up at the open door. She runs past with a big red ball. A little boy takes it after she threw it, she walks up to him, snatches it back and walks out of sight. It was her's first after all so we just laugh.
We turn every step feels like a ton of weight. I make it around the corner. Tears start to well up. I freeze unable to take more steps. "We can go back and sit down near the door if you need." Williams words of comfort. Love and gratitude for him fills me. We go back and watch the door till it closes. We stand there a little while.
I'm no longer worried about her. She's in a public place with multiple women looking after her. If something goes wrong or she gets a poopy diaper they'll come get me.

Our need for attending full meetings is too great to ignore or be weak about. So we go to class together. I'm gripping my iPad for dear life. Now I have no excuse. I have to go in and face class. It doesn't make sense. Why be afraid to walk into a room and sit in a crowd? It was my first time going to this Ward's classes. Women can be judgmental, I know I used to be one of them. I'm mostly scared of getting unwanted attention. We like to notice new people. I'm still not ready to be noticed. Or sit alone either. After William left for priesthood I started playing a game on my iPad. It's hard to explain what was physically going on at that point but I was freaked. William came back to tell me Evelyn's okay so I look up. Someone I had met before looked at me. Then sits next to me. I melt and my freak out ends.Almost. Not until lesson started and I didn't get "picked on."
I guess I was afraid of rejection and group attention. I'm not totally sure. I know it's not uncommon. But it's a big reason why I've avoided church.
I was surprised at the fellowship of our ward! Unfortunately I always expected Utah to be clickish but they've been nothing but kind to me. Goes to show you can't believe everything you've heard.

I hope that from now on I can go with less and less fear. Taking that first step seems to always be the hardest. And Evelyn loves going to Nursery so I need to learn to let her. And maybe trust people more.