Numb; but Alive

Warning: There is a difference between serious thoughts and minor temptations. Like when you wish you could ride a rainbow but you know you can't so you don't make plans. Its the making plans point that one should get worried.
So do not worry. Just enjoy the depth in which I'm about to take you. Unless you don't agree that this post is deep, to you I shrug, and only ask to have an open mind. Thanks.

We all have bad days.

What are your bad days like?

Think it over before reading on.

Really what are your "bad days" like?

Do you lay in bed wishing it could swallow you up, completely surround you in pillows and a window into a new world where there are only wild animals to cuddle and play with?
No sin, no sorrow, no pain.

Do you have days where you feel the need to knit a million projects at once because its the only thing keeping you from feeling to much?

Do you long for darkness, no more conscientiousness?

And get semi angry cause you believe that your conscientiousness will in-fact live on and maybe you'll feel even more pain after. So you sigh and remember your daughter. You remember yet again that you truly are the most qualified to be her primary caregiver. She needs you. So you push the thought away.

It was never really a true real thought because you know you'd never could.
The thought and sadness haunts you as you smile at your lovely, smart, tall daughter.

She looks at you with new eyes. Eyes that see so much more than you want her to.
then;

Do you all the sudden notice your snapping yourself with a tiny baby hair tie and its all your physically feeling? And it feels great.

Numb    .      .      .      yet  Alive

Swimming through cloudy thoughts. Running from reality.
What is reality anyway? Is it what we make it?

 Or is it just real, unchanging, unrelenting, solid reality.

pause

think

wonder

what are we really? what is

What is it to be Alive?
Is it food?
                family?
                           purpose?
                    joy?
         peace?
                   blood?
                             spirit?
                                      chemicals?
                                                       synapses?
                                   connections?
                  education?
Love?

How can we be alive if we have nothing? Do we have everything, and yet not at the same time?
Can we have, but not have at the same time?

So many questions without real -real- answers. Who has the answers? God?

These are my bad days. Internal, emotional, physical war.

How do you survive?