Cold Turkey

My prescription for my medication has expired and I haven't found a doctor I like in my new location so I have been off them for about 2 weeks now. Medication has helped me a lot and I know it. Am I ready to be off them? How am I to know for sure who I am if I'm always using help of a chemical form?

What has it been like since being off?

InSane! My emotions are indescribably everywhere. It's like everything is new and I'm a child again. My emotions are so strong and hit so fast I don't know how to control them. I'm relearning everything I once knew. Patience levels are low, way lower than before. But I have a drive to work my body and when I do all the emotional control issues get smaller.

I'm vibrating in my own skin. Instead of shaking due to hunger I'm shaking like a volcano about to explode. And I do. Grab the leashes and take the dogs for a walk, snap at my family, pace back and forth, knit a few rows, clean, cook, or crack like a whip. Vibrate frozen locked in my mind while I try to decide what to do with myself. The vibration is so strong I'm impulsive. Impulsive to a point where my social fears are gone, but in a flash I dread every second since leaving the house. "should've showered, I look terrible, she just looked at me and noticed, fix my hair, that didn't work, what's on the list?"

I decide to go to a Church function. I'm extremely lucky my friend is there. She calms me and the people around me vanish or I'm able to focus on the people that make me feel loved instead of those who don't. I go home feeling good, happy, relaxed, patient, all the vibrations are gone. Does this mean I'm an extravert? Or I just need to be around the right people? My sole thought now is how can I harness this without meds? Is it this person in general that I should see more often to maintain peace? Or find a way to reach out to enough social support without becoming needy. I am needy for I need lots of social support and love.

When I was with my family in Idaho I confronted and asked for the love that I knew I needed. I was off my meds most of the time I was with them and did not feel the affects -vibrations and anxiety- till they where gone. Humans are social creatures. Am I just a more needy human than most? Can I function without the old family physical closeness? Video chat, phone calls, texts, FB messages are not enough for me. It's to awkward and distant. Love is felt in the air (silly sounding I know) but around my family its so thick. One kind look from my older brother here, a lean towards me from my sister there, laughter, and unity. You just can't get those things without being in person. I often joke about my dream of getting a vacation home in Walla Walla just to be closer to them.  It's only a half joke I'm pretty serious about it. My longing to be nearer to them is so strong.

Can I ever live without the vibration on my own without medication? What are the solutions that are at the tip of my brain?

How can I need and take without being needy?

Am I going to go back on meds? I'll say this; I have an appointment set up but it's not for 2 weeks. So I have time to observe myself while working hard to control my emotions, or to be better put, ride them to health.