In November I had severe changes occur in my family unit I'm building. I made a fast decision, of which I'm really glad I did. I applied for a petition to BYU-I to medically waiver my last semester there, the one I quit on, flunked out on. I had tried to get help with one of the counselors they offer for free at the health center but it didn't work out. So they saw that they had grounds to grant me my petition. I then started the process of re-applying. It didn't take long for them to get back to me. I was accepted.
I made the commitment to finish my undergrad work with a Marriage and Family Studies major.
I know its not common to tell the world your on medication but none of this blog has been common.
At least not in my family or social dynamics. I will talk a little bit about it though because honestly there are a lot of brands out there for depression so saying I'm on one of them is vague enough for me.
I'm still not doing all the actions I should be as far as my weight goes. Ever since we lost our job I haven't been doing anything to combat it. I'm so focused on school, I'm not sure how to schedule my life to fit everything in yet. While doing stressful assignments I have started biting my nails again. Its hard to stop when you don't even notice your doing it until you realize your bleeding. Crazy I know.
Honestly I'm not sure if it's the meds or school or the fact that my marriage and home life is better than ever but I'm starting to feel like my inner self is growing back.
A great example of this is a flower I have planted outside in one of my pots. It looked like it was going to die but I planted it anyway. It kept struggling for a time. I kept watering and trimming it. I treated it as if it would bounce back and be strong. And it has. The old bottom part of it still looks dead but the new leaves are growing on top of those parts. This is a perfect comparison to the point I'm at in my life.
The dead parts of me are still there, still visible. I'm not completely strong yet. Not completely balanced in my life. I am, however, getting there. Because I'm keeping the light of Christ with me, the Holy Ghost with me.
I'm am just starting to grow and flower. Bright orange peddles of hope shine in the sun. These peddles are my grades, perspectives, and attitude towards life. I'm laughing and talking more. There are a number of people who might remember me and how much I used to laugh. Well, it seems these days Evelyn's always asking "What are you laughing about!?" (She says it clear as a bell too :D)
I'm excited to say that for the first time in my life I think I'll be able to get straight A's.
I was more focused on work in high school, and more focused on my recreational leadership trips when I was living in Rexburg.
I feel smarter and faster than ever before.
My goal is -again- to finish all of my schooling and get my
Marriage and Family Therapy PhD.
I never realized how great this field is. Family truly touches so much of us as individuals and society.
BYU-I teaches and constantly reminds us to learn, by and through Faith. When we learn through Faith we can truly gain more pure knowledge.
When I'm at Church now I keep my journal/notebook with me and I'm continually writing questions and notes down. I'm a student now. A student of all things.
Only those who have attended BYU-I (or maybe another Church (any church)) college and truly embraced properly all the blessings it has in store for it's students can really understand what I mean.
BYU-I is truly a Disciple Preparation Center. I am so blessed to have such a healthy thing to keep me busy and happy.
I hope that soon I can be off my meds and still do well in (and completely finish) school. I hope to become completely healthy in not only my spirit and personality but physically as well.
Thank You again to all who read. I appreciate your support and curiosity. Peace be with you.
Check out my school blog. Hopefully I can find time to fill it with the best notes from each semester.
joyinlearningbyui.blogspot.com
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Food, Panic, Addiction
I have been learning more about addictions as of late.
With this new knowledge I started to wonder and watch myself to see if I had any addictions.
This post about food has been on my mind since the dawn of my blog. I knew food was very much so influenced by my anxiety levels. The more stressed out I get the more I eat.
It's a common saying "comfort food" or "I eat when I'm unhappy and happy"
For some its more real than others.
Before my marriage and growing anxiety issues I had a good relationship with food. I didn't feel the need to binge unless it was a social thing (with family or roommates.) I could make a small meal and eat it without feeling the need to eat more or continue to eat. I liked food but I wasn't obsessed.
I feel I've become a little bit obsessed. Very much like the other behaviors that have seemed to become habit.
Something enters my mind that stresses me out beyond my ability to control. I start to shake. Usually it's in my leg or hands. I feel my body tremble. I have to eat something. The craving for chocolate is the strongest one. If I don't have chocolate I'll eat anything sweet. Frantically searching the kitchen for anything. My brain blank. Hands shaking. I pass back and forth a few times hands on head. I flee from the situation. Evelyn's napping so I run to TV to bury myself in.
I hate the kitchen. I try my best to stay out. Distract myself.
Then a thought will enter my head. PB n' J sandwich, honey toast, or just plain cheese. I will get up, in a rush, and go get it. Even while I'm heading to the kitchen I'm wondering if I'm hungry or just crazy.
During my weight loss program I have to keep track of what I eat and how much. I love this system cause it helps. I see what I've already eaten. I don't starve myself cause I'm not sure I should be hungry yet.
But then the anxiety that I can't eat whatever I want causes more "episodes" of stress in the kitchen.
We lost our job. So in affect our home, this perfect location, our tiny roots that I hoped would grow deep here are once again being dug out. We have no knowledge of how we are going to pay bills, where we're going to live, if it will be less of more stressful, will Evelyn transition easily or will it be harder cause she's older? Will even we even get a job?
These thoughts create panic.
Panic:
For me spreads quickly through out my body. And this panic has grown to form addiction type behaviors.
Addiction:
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
So how do we still this panic before it becomes a full blown panic attack? Causing trauma and addiction?
I don't really have the answer. My therapist is helping me realize a couple steps.
First step is to notice when it's about to happen. Follow the thought process as it develops.
Feel the emotions forming coming, they seem unstoppable, but they're not.
For me medication helps slow the panic process so that now I can do theses things.
The goal is to learn to stop the panic and unhealthy behavior while they're slowed then practice without help.
Others may not need aide.
With this new knowledge I started to wonder and watch myself to see if I had any addictions.
This post about food has been on my mind since the dawn of my blog. I knew food was very much so influenced by my anxiety levels. The more stressed out I get the more I eat.
It's a common saying "comfort food" or "I eat when I'm unhappy and happy"
For some its more real than others.
Before my marriage and growing anxiety issues I had a good relationship with food. I didn't feel the need to binge unless it was a social thing (with family or roommates.) I could make a small meal and eat it without feeling the need to eat more or continue to eat. I liked food but I wasn't obsessed.
I feel I've become a little bit obsessed. Very much like the other behaviors that have seemed to become habit.
Something enters my mind that stresses me out beyond my ability to control. I start to shake. Usually it's in my leg or hands. I feel my body tremble. I have to eat something. The craving for chocolate is the strongest one. If I don't have chocolate I'll eat anything sweet. Frantically searching the kitchen for anything. My brain blank. Hands shaking. I pass back and forth a few times hands on head. I flee from the situation. Evelyn's napping so I run to TV to bury myself in.
I hate the kitchen. I try my best to stay out. Distract myself.
Then a thought will enter my head. PB n' J sandwich, honey toast, or just plain cheese. I will get up, in a rush, and go get it. Even while I'm heading to the kitchen I'm wondering if I'm hungry or just crazy.
During my weight loss program I have to keep track of what I eat and how much. I love this system cause it helps. I see what I've already eaten. I don't starve myself cause I'm not sure I should be hungry yet.
But then the anxiety that I can't eat whatever I want causes more "episodes" of stress in the kitchen.
We lost our job. So in affect our home, this perfect location, our tiny roots that I hoped would grow deep here are once again being dug out. We have no knowledge of how we are going to pay bills, where we're going to live, if it will be less of more stressful, will Evelyn transition easily or will it be harder cause she's older? Will even we even get a job?
These thoughts create panic.
Panic:
a sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior, and that often spreads quickly through a group of persons or animals.
For me spreads quickly through out my body. And this panic has grown to form addiction type behaviors.
Addiction:
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
So how do we still this panic before it becomes a full blown panic attack? Causing trauma and addiction?
I don't really have the answer. My therapist is helping me realize a couple steps.
First step is to notice when it's about to happen. Follow the thought process as it develops.
Feel the emotions forming coming, they seem unstoppable, but they're not.
For me medication helps slow the panic process so that now I can do theses things.
The goal is to learn to stop the panic and unhealthy behavior while they're slowed then practice without help.
Others may not need aide.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Little Accomplishments
I can't even remember a time when I stayed for a full LDS church day.
Since Evelyn was born I have had lots of excuses not to attend them all. I let myself hide.
I've always been and always will be extremely protective of Evelyn. I have good reason.
Two weeks ago William went to church without me, cause I had work. He put her in nursery (our baby sitting type play class for 18month - 3 year olds) without a hesitation. She did great. She loves kids. She is learning lots good and bad.
So this Sunday he was confident she could do it on her own again without a hitch. I believed him but that didn't make it easy.
She was so grumpy and mad during Sacrement I was certain she'd want nothing to do with it. After though William says "time for nursery." Her head pops up. She's happy and eager.
We walk up the steps and in she goes arms up in excitement! She only looked back at me once. I walked down the stairs. Stared up at the open door. She runs past with a big red ball. A little boy takes it after she threw it, she walks up to him, snatches it back and walks out of sight. It was her's first after all so we just laugh.
We turn every step feels like a ton of weight. I make it around the corner. Tears start to well up. I freeze unable to take more steps. "We can go back and sit down near the door if you need." Williams words of comfort. Love and gratitude for him fills me. We go back and watch the door till it closes. We stand there a little while.
I'm no longer worried about her. She's in a public place with multiple women looking after her. If something goes wrong or she gets a poopy diaper they'll come get me.
Our need for attending full meetings is too great to ignore or be weak about. So we go to class together. I'm gripping my iPad for dear life. Now I have no excuse. I have to go in and face class. It doesn't make sense. Why be afraid to walk into a room and sit in a crowd? It was my first time going to this Ward's classes. Women can be judgmental, I know I used to be one of them. I'm mostly scared of getting unwanted attention. We like to notice new people. I'm still not ready to be noticed. Or sit alone either. After William left for priesthood I started playing a game on my iPad. It's hard to explain what was physically going on at that point but I was freaked. William came back to tell me Evelyn's okay so I look up. Someone I had met before looked at me. Then sits next to me. I melt and my freak out ends.Almost. Not until lesson started and I didn't get "picked on."
I guess I was afraid of rejection and group attention. I'm not totally sure. I know it's not uncommon. But it's a big reason why I've avoided church.
I was surprised at the fellowship of our ward! Unfortunately I always expected Utah to be clickish but they've been nothing but kind to me. Goes to show you can't believe everything you've heard.
I hope that from now on I can go with less and less fear. Taking that first step seems to always be the hardest. And Evelyn loves going to Nursery so I need to learn to let her. And maybe trust people more.
Since Evelyn was born I have had lots of excuses not to attend them all. I let myself hide.
I've always been and always will be extremely protective of Evelyn. I have good reason.
Two weeks ago William went to church without me, cause I had work. He put her in nursery (our baby sitting type play class for 18month - 3 year olds) without a hesitation. She did great. She loves kids. She is learning lots good and bad.
So this Sunday he was confident she could do it on her own again without a hitch. I believed him but that didn't make it easy.
She was so grumpy and mad during Sacrement I was certain she'd want nothing to do with it. After though William says "time for nursery." Her head pops up. She's happy and eager.
We walk up the steps and in she goes arms up in excitement! She only looked back at me once. I walked down the stairs. Stared up at the open door. She runs past with a big red ball. A little boy takes it after she threw it, she walks up to him, snatches it back and walks out of sight. It was her's first after all so we just laugh.
We turn every step feels like a ton of weight. I make it around the corner. Tears start to well up. I freeze unable to take more steps. "We can go back and sit down near the door if you need." Williams words of comfort. Love and gratitude for him fills me. We go back and watch the door till it closes. We stand there a little while.
I'm no longer worried about her. She's in a public place with multiple women looking after her. If something goes wrong or she gets a poopy diaper they'll come get me.
Our need for attending full meetings is too great to ignore or be weak about. So we go to class together. I'm gripping my iPad for dear life. Now I have no excuse. I have to go in and face class. It doesn't make sense. Why be afraid to walk into a room and sit in a crowd? It was my first time going to this Ward's classes. Women can be judgmental, I know I used to be one of them. I'm mostly scared of getting unwanted attention. We like to notice new people. I'm still not ready to be noticed. Or sit alone either. After William left for priesthood I started playing a game on my iPad. It's hard to explain what was physically going on at that point but I was freaked. William came back to tell me Evelyn's okay so I look up. Someone I had met before looked at me. Then sits next to me. I melt and my freak out ends.Almost. Not until lesson started and I didn't get "picked on."
I guess I was afraid of rejection and group attention. I'm not totally sure. I know it's not uncommon. But it's a big reason why I've avoided church.
I was surprised at the fellowship of our ward! Unfortunately I always expected Utah to be clickish but they've been nothing but kind to me. Goes to show you can't believe everything you've heard.
I hope that from now on I can go with less and less fear. Taking that first step seems to always be the hardest. And Evelyn loves going to Nursery so I need to learn to let her. And maybe trust people more.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
My Weight Story
I've been putting off writing too much about my weight. It's not completely easy to talk about. It's kinda a long post in the end it's worth it though, I promise.
I've never been a tiny girl. I always had a little bit of a puff if you will? shrug. Honestly that's how I saw myself anyway. I fluctuated between 140's-170's depending on the season.
I was about to go into my different seasons but really that's all behind me. Its fun to dwell on who I used to be. I was very active. I will tell you a little about the different stuff I did. I'll do my best to be brief.
Kick boxing was a work out with great friends where we'd do long sets of punching big bags, and kicking small ones. Along with other aerobic work outs. On awesome rare occasions we'd spar.
Shout out to cousin April! best spar ever!!!
It was a fun tough work out. I miss it dearly! I'd do this twice a week as often as my work schedule allowed.
I swam with our girls swim team all four years of high school. I was a middle swimmer, not the fastest but not the slowest either. All those who know how tough swimming is I smile and nod. To those who don't well try swimming four lengths without stopping. That would be the first 2 minutes of our 2 hour practice.
I'd do sprints, jogs, lift weights, signed up for PE willingly, biked lots (3 miles to work both ways, 2-3 mile paper route. Usually same day) before I could drive, and back packed with my family once a year.
When I went to BYU-I I most likely gained my freshman 15. The weird thing is I fluctuated so much in high school that it didn't feel off. I was honestly still at a normal weight for me when I went home for April break. My mom and I had lots of fun working it off and honestly I felt great when I went back for Summer 08 semester. I spent that semester leading back packing trips almost every week end. Some of the trails were only 5-7 miles but we tried to keep them long enough that they were worth doing. I was doing smaller hikes or lifting canoes onto tall trailers on the weekends I wasn't back packing. I didn't know it then but I was really at a healthy weight.
I say all this to show what I lost and what I hope to gain back into my life.
I met my husband that summer of 08. Long story short we were married in April of 09. Short timing by world's standards, but sorta long by LDS culture.
Getting married sadly took it's toll on me. We moved to Colorado Springs our first months together. I was extremely home sick. We had completely different ideas about what food was worth spending money on. And money was super tight (still is, such is life.) So I started picking up his food habits. Also our job was installing alarm systems so we were supposed to be in random locations all around the area. We were usually at minimum a half hour from our apartment. I was not good at thinking up new food ideas so we ate out a LOT. Wasted lots of money and I put on the pounds.
By the time we moved back to Rexburg my depression set in. And set in hard. I was so blind to the fact that I could lose the weight if I just swam. I had Never been that big before so it seem daunting. I gave up.
Really truly gave up. Gave up on school, gave up trying to keep our apartment in order, gave up on fixing healthy meals. I put on 30 lbs in Rexburg.
The only thing that saved me from putting on more was our family friend Vanessa needed help getting more comfortable swimming. I love teaching people of all ages to swim. Its a mini passion of mine. So it got me active again. Active and happy enough to find a job. A job teaching swim lessons and life guarding. I thought I'd lose weight working there but I'm not sure I did. I might've lost a little but after working there a few months I got pregnant.
We moved to Overton where I started walking regularly with Jessie. I lost some weight doing that but pregnancy cravings over came me. My depression became lesser but never truly left.
We lost our Vegas teaching job. So we moved to Hawthorne. In Hawthorne I attempted three times to lose weight. Each and every time I'd get to a certain weight where I'd start to feel my body get smaller.
It literally terrified me. I felt exposed to the world! I'd start shaking, then eating to calm down. I'd quit every single time I reached that point. Once I realized this I started really mulling and focusing on what might be the problem.
It was fear of success. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being hurt by my husband even at my best. Fear that I'd fail anyway or gain it all back. Fear of being someone that should feel good but didn't.
I wasn't ready to let my comfort blanket of weight go. It is odd that it would be a comfort. But it truly made me feel safe. It's a false safe though.
I can't even look in the mirror with out the worst emotions washing over me. When I put on my make up I focus on what I'm doing. I never just look. It hurts to much. William is constantly trying to convince me I'm beautiful. I don't believe him. I was once, but I'm not anymore. I post pictures of myself that are years old unless they are angled right to not show how bad its become.
I've once again started a weight loss program, one that I enjoy and fully believe in.
My psychologist says just me finding that reason might be enough for me to get past it this time.
I am scared that I will fail again.
I am SICK of not being able to look at myself with love and pride! I am TIRED of not feeling worth noticing or looking at. I'm tired of "embracing the fat girl in me!" Sorry if this offends anyone, but I am READY to be ME.
If you like the way you are don't stress to make yourself into someone your not.
I am ready to step out of my little comfortable shell and be the real me again. The girl who Loves to feel her body get stronger. The girl who likes taking pictures of herself for heavens sake. The girl who danced without caring who saw. The girl who fits into her engagement ring!
Another reason I've been feeling ready is that I've been reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Another shout out! Thanks Robert an Shannon for the book!
After leaving home my love tank was at best half full. Living with my parents I'm pretty sure my love tank was always full. In my marriage we were speaking different love languages. William is words of affirmation. I'm physical touch. Words would not convince me of my worth, but touch would.
We are both now working to make sure each others love tanks are full.
It's time to break free from the fear and move forward. Its time to burn my way back out into the world.
I've never been a tiny girl. I always had a little bit of a puff if you will? shrug. Honestly that's how I saw myself anyway. I fluctuated between 140's-170's depending on the season.
I was about to go into my different seasons but really that's all behind me. Its fun to dwell on who I used to be. I was very active. I will tell you a little about the different stuff I did. I'll do my best to be brief.
Kick boxing was a work out with great friends where we'd do long sets of punching big bags, and kicking small ones. Along with other aerobic work outs. On awesome rare occasions we'd spar.
Shout out to cousin April! best spar ever!!!
It was a fun tough work out. I miss it dearly! I'd do this twice a week as often as my work schedule allowed.
I swam with our girls swim team all four years of high school. I was a middle swimmer, not the fastest but not the slowest either. All those who know how tough swimming is I smile and nod. To those who don't well try swimming four lengths without stopping. That would be the first 2 minutes of our 2 hour practice.
I'd do sprints, jogs, lift weights, signed up for PE willingly, biked lots (3 miles to work both ways, 2-3 mile paper route. Usually same day) before I could drive, and back packed with my family once a year.
When I went to BYU-I I most likely gained my freshman 15. The weird thing is I fluctuated so much in high school that it didn't feel off. I was honestly still at a normal weight for me when I went home for April break. My mom and I had lots of fun working it off and honestly I felt great when I went back for Summer 08 semester. I spent that semester leading back packing trips almost every week end. Some of the trails were only 5-7 miles but we tried to keep them long enough that they were worth doing. I was doing smaller hikes or lifting canoes onto tall trailers on the weekends I wasn't back packing. I didn't know it then but I was really at a healthy weight.
I say all this to show what I lost and what I hope to gain back into my life.
I met my husband that summer of 08. Long story short we were married in April of 09. Short timing by world's standards, but sorta long by LDS culture.
Getting married sadly took it's toll on me. We moved to Colorado Springs our first months together. I was extremely home sick. We had completely different ideas about what food was worth spending money on. And money was super tight (still is, such is life.) So I started picking up his food habits. Also our job was installing alarm systems so we were supposed to be in random locations all around the area. We were usually at minimum a half hour from our apartment. I was not good at thinking up new food ideas so we ate out a LOT. Wasted lots of money and I put on the pounds.
By the time we moved back to Rexburg my depression set in. And set in hard. I was so blind to the fact that I could lose the weight if I just swam. I had Never been that big before so it seem daunting. I gave up.
Really truly gave up. Gave up on school, gave up trying to keep our apartment in order, gave up on fixing healthy meals. I put on 30 lbs in Rexburg.
The only thing that saved me from putting on more was our family friend Vanessa needed help getting more comfortable swimming. I love teaching people of all ages to swim. Its a mini passion of mine. So it got me active again. Active and happy enough to find a job. A job teaching swim lessons and life guarding. I thought I'd lose weight working there but I'm not sure I did. I might've lost a little but after working there a few months I got pregnant.
We moved to Overton where I started walking regularly with Jessie. I lost some weight doing that but pregnancy cravings over came me. My depression became lesser but never truly left.
We lost our Vegas teaching job. So we moved to Hawthorne. In Hawthorne I attempted three times to lose weight. Each and every time I'd get to a certain weight where I'd start to feel my body get smaller.
It literally terrified me. I felt exposed to the world! I'd start shaking, then eating to calm down. I'd quit every single time I reached that point. Once I realized this I started really mulling and focusing on what might be the problem.
It was fear of success. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being hurt by my husband even at my best. Fear that I'd fail anyway or gain it all back. Fear of being someone that should feel good but didn't.
I wasn't ready to let my comfort blanket of weight go. It is odd that it would be a comfort. But it truly made me feel safe. It's a false safe though.
I can't even look in the mirror with out the worst emotions washing over me. When I put on my make up I focus on what I'm doing. I never just look. It hurts to much. William is constantly trying to convince me I'm beautiful. I don't believe him. I was once, but I'm not anymore. I post pictures of myself that are years old unless they are angled right to not show how bad its become.
I've once again started a weight loss program, one that I enjoy and fully believe in.
My psychologist says just me finding that reason might be enough for me to get past it this time.
I am scared that I will fail again.
I am SICK of not being able to look at myself with love and pride! I am TIRED of not feeling worth noticing or looking at. I'm tired of "embracing the fat girl in me!" Sorry if this offends anyone, but I am READY to be ME.
If you like the way you are don't stress to make yourself into someone your not.
I am ready to step out of my little comfortable shell and be the real me again. The girl who Loves to feel her body get stronger. The girl who likes taking pictures of herself for heavens sake. The girl who danced without caring who saw. The girl who fits into her engagement ring!
Another reason I've been feeling ready is that I've been reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
After leaving home my love tank was at best half full. Living with my parents I'm pretty sure my love tank was always full. In my marriage we were speaking different love languages. William is words of affirmation. I'm physical touch. Words would not convince me of my worth, but touch would.
We are both now working to make sure each others love tanks are full.
It's time to break free from the fear and move forward. Its time to burn my way back out into the world.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Healing Home
I've been meaning to write this, these thoughts, since I got home from Walla Walla. Thanksgiving giving holiday.
It's been hard because so much has happened in the last month or two.
I want to focus on the healing and change I've felt occur inside me.
I started seeing my psychologist after I got home to Brigham City but I started my healing in Walla Walla.
See the home I grew up in wasn't perfect, no ones is, but my mom did a good job teaching us how to be emotionally intelligent. I think the fastest way to explain this is to post a link to an article off of babycenter.com And just say that my mom did most, if not all, of the things it talks about. http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-raise-an-emotionally-intelligent-child_11946.bc
I always knew I could open up to my mom about anything. And usually I did, and this holiday season I finally I opened up completely. The support and love I received was exactly what i needed. The things she had to say were somewhat of a shock but also I physically felt my body let go. Let go of this huge burden.
Sometimes we take on burdens that we aren't needed to. Sometimes we feel guilty for things we had no control over. And sometimes we hold it in for years thinking we can handle it. That it doesn't need to be talked about. Once you do though your world can change for the better in the blink of an eye.
I opened up to the people that mattered. My mom, my bishop (local minister,) my husband, my God, and my psychologist. I have not bitten my nails since. Talking. I have always been a big believer in talking. I never knew that not talking about it held me back so much.
With the honesty and help from my husband we narrowed down other problems, other things that are major (not complete) sources to my stress and anxiety. With work and continued counseling we are now going to be able to exterminate the problems, or at least fight them back as best we can.
My psychologist says the biggest step is knowing and admitting our problems. And knowing whats going on inside ourselves during different difficult situations. I've always been a believer in this. My mom was good at getting us to express ourselves clearly, and in order to express ourselves clearly we must first figure out what's wrong. Through this process I have been introspective and open. Hence this blog. :) shrug
I know, humans being curious by nature, that everyone wants to know what the causes were but some thing's are meant to be more private than a public blog would allow.
I want, however, to express urgently that talking and getting support is key. We are social creatures. We NEED each other!
I was nervous to open up to my family and friends. Starting this blog opened the doors for me to be honest and reach out. Without it I don't think I would have gotten as much healing, this last thanksgiving, as I did.
Feel free to open up to me. Or at minimum the ones that love you! Don't let old things hold you back! You may just be surprised at the love and understanding you'll receive.
So a special thank you to my mom and all those who have reached back when I reached out! I will never forget your kindness and love.
I have more to talk about so never fear, I'm not done yet. :D
P.S Happy Birthday World's Greatest Mom!!!
It's been hard because so much has happened in the last month or two.
I want to focus on the healing and change I've felt occur inside me.
I started seeing my psychologist after I got home to Brigham City but I started my healing in Walla Walla.
See the home I grew up in wasn't perfect, no ones is, but my mom did a good job teaching us how to be emotionally intelligent. I think the fastest way to explain this is to post a link to an article off of babycenter.com And just say that my mom did most, if not all, of the things it talks about. http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-raise-an-emotionally-intelligent-child_11946.bc
I always knew I could open up to my mom about anything. And usually I did, and this holiday season I finally I opened up completely. The support and love I received was exactly what i needed. The things she had to say were somewhat of a shock but also I physically felt my body let go. Let go of this huge burden.
Sometimes we take on burdens that we aren't needed to. Sometimes we feel guilty for things we had no control over. And sometimes we hold it in for years thinking we can handle it. That it doesn't need to be talked about. Once you do though your world can change for the better in the blink of an eye.
I opened up to the people that mattered. My mom, my bishop (local minister,) my husband, my God, and my psychologist. I have not bitten my nails since. Talking. I have always been a big believer in talking. I never knew that not talking about it held me back so much.
With the honesty and help from my husband we narrowed down other problems, other things that are major (not complete) sources to my stress and anxiety. With work and continued counseling we are now going to be able to exterminate the problems, or at least fight them back as best we can.
My psychologist says the biggest step is knowing and admitting our problems. And knowing whats going on inside ourselves during different difficult situations. I've always been a believer in this. My mom was good at getting us to express ourselves clearly, and in order to express ourselves clearly we must first figure out what's wrong. Through this process I have been introspective and open. Hence this blog. :) shrug
I know, humans being curious by nature, that everyone wants to know what the causes were but some thing's are meant to be more private than a public blog would allow.
I want, however, to express urgently that talking and getting support is key. We are social creatures. We NEED each other!
I was nervous to open up to my family and friends. Starting this blog opened the doors for me to be honest and reach out. Without it I don't think I would have gotten as much healing, this last thanksgiving, as I did.
Feel free to open up to me. Or at minimum the ones that love you! Don't let old things hold you back! You may just be surprised at the love and understanding you'll receive.
So a special thank you to my mom and all those who have reached back when I reached out! I will never forget your kindness and love.
I have more to talk about so never fear, I'm not done yet. :D
P.S Happy Birthday World's Greatest Mom!!!
Saturday, November 17, 2012
The Unspoken Pain
When I wrote Social Sanctuary it was raw and real. At the end of the day, I forgot to talk about the most raw part of it.
The part that clearly shows how unhealthy it's become.
What I'm about to say could be seen as graphic and is sad. So you're under no obligation so read further. It's not something usually openly talked about. Which is the reason I forgot to mention it. I'm adding it now because this blog is about full disclosure to the complete reality of my anxiety and where it led me.
That being said.
After speaking with William about what I had realized, missing my social sanctuary, he left me to watch my show in peace.
My emotions were still far from peaceful. Hands still itching at my body. Before I new it I had nicked one of my scabs and it was bleeding a little. It took effort, but I pushed myself to stop. It wasn't for another hour or so that I noticed I'd done it again.
Wil came up for bed. I tried to join him. I lay there fidgeting. I couldn't sleep. So I watched another episode. And tried again. Nothing. So I gave in and got out of bed, turned on the den light again and tried to relax. Without really noticing, at first, I realized I was no longer paying attention to my show. I was ravaging my scabs. Digging hard to get them all evenly open. When my job was done I breathed a deep sigh of relief, so relaxed, peace finally flooding me.Sigh. I could finally sleep.
It was the endorphins, and it did the trick.
I continue my show just to finish the episode. "oh ya Wil said I should try neosporin and band aides again." I grabbed my 'little attempt to stop myself kit' and apply a generous amount of neosporin and band-aides. My right shine is covered in them. They helped for a day or two. The healing is coming. I sorta regret it. It's hard to let go. I know I should, but that doesn't mean I'm excited about it.Unfortunately it wasn't really just the stress from the Relief Society dinner. This happens almost every night.
What will I do now to relax?
I really should swim every night instead. That would give me the endorphins I need in a healthy way. I suppose I need your prayers for me to have strength to swim.
The part that clearly shows how unhealthy it's become.
What I'm about to say could be seen as graphic and is sad. So you're under no obligation so read further. It's not something usually openly talked about. Which is the reason I forgot to mention it. I'm adding it now because this blog is about full disclosure to the complete reality of my anxiety and where it led me.
That being said.
After speaking with William about what I had realized, missing my social sanctuary, he left me to watch my show in peace.
My emotions were still far from peaceful. Hands still itching at my body. Before I new it I had nicked one of my scabs and it was bleeding a little. It took effort, but I pushed myself to stop. It wasn't for another hour or so that I noticed I'd done it again.
Wil came up for bed. I tried to join him. I lay there fidgeting. I couldn't sleep. So I watched another episode. And tried again. Nothing. So I gave in and got out of bed, turned on the den light again and tried to relax. Without really noticing, at first, I realized I was no longer paying attention to my show. I was ravaging my scabs. Digging hard to get them all evenly open. When my job was done I breathed a deep sigh of relief, so relaxed, peace finally flooding me.Sigh. I could finally sleep.
It was the endorphins, and it did the trick.
I continue my show just to finish the episode. "oh ya Wil said I should try neosporin and band aides again." I grabbed my 'little attempt to stop myself kit' and apply a generous amount of neosporin and band-aides. My right shine is covered in them. They helped for a day or two. The healing is coming. I sorta regret it. It's hard to let go. I know I should, but that doesn't mean I'm excited about it.Unfortunately it wasn't really just the stress from the Relief Society dinner. This happens almost every night.
What will I do now to relax?
I really should swim every night instead. That would give me the endorphins I need in a healthy way. I suppose I need your prayers for me to have strength to swim.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Social Sanctuary
I've never been that great in social situations. Like I've said before I have to know people in a group well before I'm comfortable enough to speak up.
This is why Church used to be my Social Sanctuary.
Stakes are what LDS call an assortment of wards. Wards and Stakes are determined by one's geological living location. In some places if you move across town you have a new Ward. Which usually means more new ppl to meet.
Before I married and moved away from home, for good, I had a very close Stake. Where I'm from our LDS population was small at about 0.05% . There were 10-13 LDS kids in my grade of about 450. Since our numbers were so small we bonded together. Even if I didn't hang out with all of them all the time we were still friends.
At school I was shy, reserved, and honestly basically never spoke up in class. I had a hard time making friends. The people that usually became my friend during class were either ppl who sat next to me, were out-going, or were put into assigned groups with me. Emily was out-going and even though I embarrassed her sometimes she let me stick by her side because she knew the real me.
Work was similar to school but it was kinda my in between place. I was both there because I loved, and was good at, what I was doing. A few ppl there new the real me. I'd mention names but they know who they are and they know how much I Love them.
My friends at Church knew the real me too. We grew up together. We prayed, learned, talked, laughed, and camped together. We will always be family.
It wasn't just the kids of my generation that was family, it was also the adults that watched me grow up.
I have a number of mentors I will never forget. Some I out grew, but others I wish I had around 24'7.
I had no fear when it came to speaking up. I asked questions, and said what was on my mind. I had no fear of judgment or misunderstanding. In my eyes the adults around me loved and cared deeply for me.
Now when I go to Church, or anywhere, I become the shy silent girl I was at school. I tried hard to not let that side of me devour the other. I loved who I was at Church. Sometimes when strength or need drives me I do okay. It takes work. I like to make ppl comfortable. And I don't like being a bother. And I don't know what might bother new ppl. So I'd rather watch, observe, and wait till I'm more sure about my footing with each person I meet. If I don't I tend to put my foot in my mouth.
I went to a Relief Society dinner last night. My body was really tense but mostly I was blushing. I held my own, but barely. I only went because my visiting teacher came and got me. I stayed by her side just like I used to do with Emily.
The only comfort I had was someone's dog. If I could see it my face would cool off and my muscles would relax. Animals are so comforting. Maybe that's why I have three cats, and a puppy. haha
When I got home I was exhausted. All the energy I had was completely drained. And it dawned on me. Home, Church activities used to be my Social Sanctuary. Being home was like having a warm hug that lasted the entire time you're there.
To me that's sorta gone now too. I've gained so much weight that I'm no longer comfortable. All I feel is disappointment and embarrassment.
Part of why I'm writing this blog is to maybe help alleviate the misunderstanding and questions ppl at home might have as to what happened to me.
I miss home. I also scared to go home because I feel like a disappointment. I miss my Social Sanctuary.
This is why Church used to be my Social Sanctuary.
Stakes are what LDS call an assortment of wards. Wards and Stakes are determined by one's geological living location. In some places if you move across town you have a new Ward. Which usually means more new ppl to meet.
Before I married and moved away from home, for good, I had a very close Stake. Where I'm from our LDS population was small at about 0.05% . There were 10-13 LDS kids in my grade of about 450. Since our numbers were so small we bonded together. Even if I didn't hang out with all of them all the time we were still friends.
At school I was shy, reserved, and honestly basically never spoke up in class. I had a hard time making friends. The people that usually became my friend during class were either ppl who sat next to me, were out-going, or were put into assigned groups with me. Emily was out-going and even though I embarrassed her sometimes she let me stick by her side because she knew the real me.
Work was similar to school but it was kinda my in between place. I was both there because I loved, and was good at, what I was doing. A few ppl there new the real me. I'd mention names but they know who they are and they know how much I Love them.
My friends at Church knew the real me too. We grew up together. We prayed, learned, talked, laughed, and camped together. We will always be family.
It wasn't just the kids of my generation that was family, it was also the adults that watched me grow up.
I have a number of mentors I will never forget. Some I out grew, but others I wish I had around 24'7.
I had no fear when it came to speaking up. I asked questions, and said what was on my mind. I had no fear of judgment or misunderstanding. In my eyes the adults around me loved and cared deeply for me.
Now when I go to Church, or anywhere, I become the shy silent girl I was at school. I tried hard to not let that side of me devour the other. I loved who I was at Church. Sometimes when strength or need drives me I do okay. It takes work. I like to make ppl comfortable. And I don't like being a bother. And I don't know what might bother new ppl. So I'd rather watch, observe, and wait till I'm more sure about my footing with each person I meet. If I don't I tend to put my foot in my mouth.
I went to a Relief Society dinner last night. My body was really tense but mostly I was blushing. I held my own, but barely. I only went because my visiting teacher came and got me. I stayed by her side just like I used to do with Emily.
The only comfort I had was someone's dog. If I could see it my face would cool off and my muscles would relax. Animals are so comforting. Maybe that's why I have three cats, and a puppy. haha
When I got home I was exhausted. All the energy I had was completely drained. And it dawned on me. Home, Church activities used to be my Social Sanctuary. Being home was like having a warm hug that lasted the entire time you're there.
To me that's sorta gone now too. I've gained so much weight that I'm no longer comfortable. All I feel is disappointment and embarrassment.
Part of why I'm writing this blog is to maybe help alleviate the misunderstanding and questions ppl at home might have as to what happened to me.
I miss home. I also scared to go home because I feel like a disappointment. I miss my Social Sanctuary.
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