The Physiology of Anxiety

Michael D. Williams

Department of Home & Family Brigham Young University—Idaho

Chapter One
The Physiology of Anxiety

Anxiety is probably the most basic of all emotions. Not only is it experienced by all humans, but anxiety responses have been found in all species of animals, right down to the sea slug. Anxiety experiences vary tremendously in their severity from mild uneasiness to extreme terror and panic. They can also vary tremendously in their length from a brief, almost fleeting flash, to a constant, all-day affair. While anxiety, by its nature and definition, is an unpleasant sensation, it is not in the least dangerous. It is this last point which forms the basis of this article. The aim of the next few pages is to teach about the components (physical and mental) of anxiety to help students realize (1) that many of the feelings they are now experiencing are the result of anxiety and (2) that these feelings are not harmful or dangerous.
Definition of Anxiety
While an actual definition of anxiety which covers all aspects is very difficult to provide (indeed whole books have been written on the subject), everyone knows the feeling which we call anxiety. There is not one person who has not experienced some degree of anxiety, whether it is the feeling upon entering a schoolroom just before an exam, or the feeling of waking in the middle of the night, certain that a strange sound was heard outside.
Not everyone, however, is familiar with more extreme sensations and cognitive overload: extreme dizziness, spotty and blurred vision, numbness and tingling, rigid muscles, feelings of breathlessness extending to choking or smothering, or the perception that one is having a heart attack or “going crazy.” Some even experience a profound sense of depersonalization, as if they were somehow outside of their bodies and observing themselves.

Copyright © 2013 by Brigham Young University—Idaho. All Rights Reserved. 2 | P a g e

When people have some combination of these symptoms—something which happens far more often than most of us suspect—they may believe there is something seriously wrong with them. The fear that something horrible is happening or will happen creates a feedback loop of anxiety that we call panic attacks.
Fight, Flight and Freeze Responses
Anxiety is a response to danger or perceived threat. Immediate or short-term anxiety is often referred to as the fight-or-flight response, so named because all of its affects are aimed toward either fighting or fleeing danger. Thus, the number-one purpose for anxiety is to protect the organism.
Consider a scenario in which one is blissfully walking through the mountains, enjoying the sights and sounds of nature, perhaps strolling hand-in-hand with someone he or she adores—and the feeling is reciprocal. Imagine they are engaged, and making plans for their upcoming wedding while walking through the hills outside of town while and enjoying the gentle breeze that is making the leaves flutter. As the two of them begin discussing the details of their reception—the comparative virtues of lime green over sea foam green for the table-cloths—they sense rustling in the bushes just ahead on the trail. Puzzled, they come closer and are intercepted by a snarling bear.
Quickly, note what would happen to

• their heart rates,
  
• their breathing,
  
• the sounds of the leaves in the breeze,
  
• their interlocked hands,
  
• and their preference of colors.
  All of those changes happened in an instant, and there is a very good chance that they lost track of one another’s hands and did not care about which green would festoon the tables. What happened?
  Ready for Action
  Nature has beautifully designed human beings with the capacity to automatically respond (react) to apparent dangers by sending hormones (chemical messengers) to alter the functioning of several parts of the body. The sympathetic nervous system is set in motion as the limbic system becomes flushed with blood and electrical activity, changing the heart rate, breathing pattern, and blood pressure almost instantaneously. It happens so quickly, in fact, that we do not even notice the important gap between the event (for example, a bear sticking its head out of the bushes) and the physiological changes.
  

Copyright © 2013 by Brigham Young University—Idaho. All Rights Reserved. 3 | P a g e

Fight. It would be very useful to have plenty of oxygen-rich blood surging through one’s veins while preparing to fight off something big and scary. Increased blood pressure also assures greater reflex speed and intensity—a doctor using a hammer on one’s knee to test reflexes is a “quick and dirty” test for high blood pressure. Tense muscles could also prepare one to wrestle a threat to the ground or give it a good thrashing.
Flight. Once again, tense muscles and well-oxygenated blood surging through the blood stream would be very useful when preparing to flee. It would be preferable to get the system ready rather than waiting until the body begins to tire.
High blood pressure also tightens the tympanic membrane of the inner ear, increasing the ability to hear small sounds that might otherwise have gone unnoticed. At the same time, the pupils dilate, making it easier to pick up visual cues of danger. This increased visual and auditory acuity does not equal accuracy. In fact, the body seems to trade off accuracy in favor of sensitivity to danger cues—when trying to escape danger, one is not so concerned about how nice the bad guy’s spurs tinkle or how well his shirt matches his eyes.
Freeze. We are all familiar with fight-or-flight responses, but it may be less well-known that up to 60% of Americans are more prone to freeze at signs of danger. In these individuals, heart rate increases; breathing tends to be shallow and rapid, but blood pressure drops rather than rises. While this physical state is not very useful for running or wrestling, it is very helpful in preparing one to be overwhelmed by physical danger.
When bodies go into shock, they reduce the likelihood of death by retaining blood in the core of the body and reducing blood flow at the extremities. Many animals respond by freezing to avoid being noticed by predators—the same phenomenon has been observed in classes and in social events on campus. Humans are often confused when they have the freeze response; they feel week in the knees or feel like vomiting or wetting themselves rather than sprinting or practicing Tae Bo moves when they feel scared. “Freezers” are only experiencing a normal anxiety response.
Which of the three responses—fight, flight or freeze—would be wisest or most effective when encountering a grumpy grizzly?
Not Ready for Contemplation or Observation
Notice one other important change that occurred when the engaged couple encountered the bear: they likely lost track of the other things that they were or could have been thinking about. Why would God

Copyright © 2013 by Brigham Young University—Idaho. All Rights Reserved. 4 | P a g e

create us to do that? Of course it would be of no value to keep comparing table cloth colors or enjoying the sounds of the leaves in the breeze when life is at stake. When the limbic system takes over brain function, it quickly makes it difficult to see or perceive anything that is not in keeping with the emotional state. The bear’s teeth look bigger, its breath smells worse, and its size seems even greater than it likely would be. This is very useful for helping us to focus on the dangers so that we can avoid them, but it does not help much in terms of making wise or astute observations. (That is why crime victims often cannot accurately describe the criminal, but the weapon seemed out of proportion). In fact, some men would embarrass themselves horribly by running away and leaving the fiancé to be eaten, or by even pushing her forward and hiding. It would not be a function of not loving her, but a natural response when the limbic portion of the brain takes over. Reason takes a back seat when the limbic system does the driving—natural or not, that kind of behavior is likely to put more of a crimp in the wedding plans than differences in color preferences.
The Gap = Perception
All of the above processes occur so quickly that it is not even evident that something happened between the cue (sight of the bear) and the limbic mutiny that occurred. What we most often take for granted is the observation or assumption that the cue signals real danger. With the grizzly example, physical danger is obvious. But what if the “danger” is actually no danger at all? Imagine that the couple had survived this event with their dignity and relationship intact. Months later, the two of them are walking through a similar setting and perceive rustling in the bushes. They would likely respond just as before, with changes in breathing, blood pressure, tension, etc. But if a cow came out of the bushes, chewing its cud, it would take a moment for them to recognize that they were in no danger at all. Their breathing, heart rate, etc. would return to normal, but it would take a while for their brains to accept that there was no real danger.
The brain does not respond to danger, but to the perception of danger. It relies upon us to accurately access and send the “danger" message by thinking that we are in danger.
It may not be difficult to think of a time in which one’s individual fight/flight/freeze response was activated when there was no actual physical danger present. We perceive far fewer actual physical dangers day-to-day than we do social or psychological dangers. In fact, surveys have consistently demonstrated that more Americans fear public speaking than they do death.
Is it because something worse than death is likely to occur if one’s voice cracks or one’s warm-up joke is not funny? No, but when we imagine that it will be horrible, our brain responds with horror; if we tell

Copyright © 2013 by Brigham Young University—Idaho. All Rights Reserved. 5 | P a g e

ourselves something is terrible, we respond in terror. The truth is that the brain believes everything that it thinks, whether it is true or not. Some famous quotes, such as the ones below, illustrate this reality:
“I’ve suffered a great many catastrophes in my life. Most of them never happened.”
–Mark Twain
“If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I’d have fewer imaginary
ones.”
– Don Herold
“Some of your hurt you have cured, And the sharpest you still have survived, But what torments of grief you endured From the evil which never arrived.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Once again, the brain believes everything that it thinks, even if it is not true.
Panic Attacks and Persistent Anxiety
While all of the above probably makes perfect sense given one’s own experiences and perceptions, it may be very confusing when we ourselves or others experience either panic attacks or anxiety that continues well beyond the presence of the perceived danger.

Keep in mind that our bodies—beginning with our brains—do not really respond to dangers but to the perceptions of danger. We might say that a stressor event does not stress us out but the stress we place on the events creates or maintains stressor responses. Of course we do not consider ourselves crazy, incompetent or broken if we have anxiety responses to genuine threats.

Copyright © 2013 by Brigham Young University—Idaho. All Rights Reserved. 6 | P a g e

But what if no apparent danger is present when we have these anxious responses? If our hearts are pounding, it is hard to breathe, or we feel week and dizzy when no apparent threat is present, what could possibly be wrong?
Now we have a different challenge entirely. Now, instead of the anxious responses (e.g. pounding heart and running) leading to a relief from the danger cue (scary bear), and resulting anxious responses (feeling scared), we can experience ourselves as trapped in a feedback loop. The anxious response is normal but is experienced (perceived) as evidence that something is out of whack or somehow dangerous in itself. The brain then responds with more anxiety.

False alarm

Anyone who has held a microphone close to a speaker has experienced the shrill sound that results as the vibration is fed back and amplified each time in a never-ending feedback loop that began with only a whisper or an inaudible vibration. It grows so rapidly that it may not be obvious what is happening. But the sound is very real nonetheless. This is quite similar to the feedback process experienced with panic attacks. It does not matter what the cue is; if it is perceived as dangerous, the brain goes into auto pilot, deciding to panic. Where the response was once very helpful, or at least understandable, it is now very unhelpful and confusing. Once we have had this experience a few times, we become actually anxious about being anxious, which, in turn, makes us anxious.
Chronic or persistent anxiety often results from developing a habit of anticipating something dangerous or undesirable. It is common to know people who simply expect bad things to happen. These pessimists might even state that they expect the worst outcomes so they can be pleasantly surprised when something good happens. The problem is that it does not work that way.
When we anticipate negative outcomes, our ability to pick out the evidence for negative outcomes increases considerably. Remember that the limbic system makes it difficult for the rest of the brain to even perceive those things that are inconsistent with the emotional state. Negative thinkers can therefore more easily find and focus on negatives. Those who fearfully anticipate something scary happening sharpen their “scary experience” perceptions and find lots of things to be scared or anxious

Copyright © 2013 by Brigham Young University—Idaho. All Rights Reserved. 7 | P a g e

about. This reinforces the habit of anxiously anticipating until we are anxious about being anxious about being anxious.
Why Are Some People More Vulnerable?
This is the most perplexing question for many who suffer from anxiety and for professionals. Some people are much more prone to have anxious responses outside the presence of real danger, or to get caught into the types of feedback loops discussed. Some have observed that relatives of panicky people are more likely to panic themselves, leading some to believe that anxiety is a genetic inevitability. We do not know definitively why some panic more than others but there are several clues that can help us. You may well form some of your own hypotheses as you review the following.
Higher Sensitivity. Some people are just more sensitive than others. Some are more sensitive to their own physical cues and responses. Some are more sensitive to the thoughts and reactions of others. This sensitivity may be biologically influenced, but it may also be learned or practiced just like any other skill or strength.
Higher Intelligence. Research has found strong correlations between intelligence—the capacity to learn—and propensities to panic. It has been hypothesized that very bright people simply learn things accidentally without a concerted effort and therefore learn to panic in response to false alarms.
Environmental Training. Many who suffer from anxiety grew up with parents who similarly catastrophized or worried too much to be helpful. Children learn to think and to interact with the world based upon experiences with parents. Wouldn’t it make sense that one would worry if one heard and observed parents worrying frequently?
Challenging Experiences. Many individuals have had experiences that contribute to their expecting negative outcomes. Living in an abusive or dangerous environment (physically or emotionally) can certainly heighten sensitivities or expectations of negative experiences in the future.
Lack of Awareness. Some people are simply not aware that they are having panic attacks and believe instead that they have some medical or emotional condition that is not responding to treatment. This is a difficult situation because good people are often convinced that they have a disease that is beyond learning or treatment.

Copyright © 2013 by Brigham Young University—Idaho. All Rights Reserved. 8 | P a g e

So What Can We Do?
Those suffering from persistent panic and anxiety—and they really do suffer—can find relief by first understanding what is happening with them. While it is not the cure, it is a prerequisite to stopping the feedback loop. Next, they can find ways of interfering with the feedback, similar to how one quickly puts a hand over the microphone or moves it away from the amplification and feedback mechanisms.
Awareness
It is not enough to know what sometimes happens to others. We need to recognize what is happening within ourselves. Recalling the process above and seeing how we accidently start or perpetuate the process is very valuable. And the sooner we see the process occurring, the easier it will be to stop. It is very difficult to stop a full-blown panic attack but not so difficult to interrupt a little worry that is just beginning.
It is also remarkably helpful to distinguish a sensation as simply a sensation rather than interpreting it as a sure sign of danger. This takes some practice but is well worth it.
Change Your Thinking
We tend to believe that our thoughts are simply accurate representations of the world around us. But we often think thoughts that are exaggerated, inconsistent or simply mistaken. It may not be difficult for us to individually think of the last time we were sure that a certain friend did not care about us, only to find out later that something else was going on. If it is difficult to recall such an incident, we can think of how many times others have misread our actions or intentions. We are very poor mind readers, and yet we tend to persist in this and other behaviors that leave us with thoughts that do not line up with reality.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is built upon these concepts and observations and many useful tools have been devised for helping us to change our thinking to be more in line with truth and to be more effective in responding to opportunities and challenges. They can be save lives—literally.
Accept Your Experience
Ironically, efforts to stop anxiety often amplify and perpetuate it. Rather than fighting anxiety responses, one can develop the ability to see them for what they are—a set of responses to a false alarm or simply sensations. It has been the personal experience of this author that in allowing the sensations to rise and to fall without trying to extinguish them, they go away, almost always within two minutes. Once again, this takes some real practice. Mindfulness practices are aimed at helping us to accept our sensations as

Copyright © 2013 by Brigham Young University—Idaho. All Rights Reserved. 9 | P a g e

sensations, our thoughts as thoughts, and to experience life with more joy and less suffering, even in the presence of real danger.
Common Misinterpretations
Heart Attack
One of the most common misinterpretations of anxiety is that one is having a heart attack or other dangerous medical heart condition. This is commonly exacerbated by the fact that we are often warned about heart conditions and advised to not overlook signs and symptoms. It makes sense, of course, that one’s heart rate would go up while experiencing perceived heart problems, thereby easily spinning out of control.
Suffocation
Though not quite as common, there are a good number of people who become fearful when they feel as if they cannot breathe “normally,” or enough. This is often accompanied by a perceived need to gasp for air, which keeps it going. It is not easy to fight this urge if one feels as if he or she is suffocating. The good news about this and other anxious symptoms is that if one were to over-breathe (hyperventilate) or under-breathe one would simply pass out—and then breathe normally and effectively.
Going Crazy
Because the sensations grab our attention so effectively and because it is difficult for us to think clearly while the limbic system is fired up, one often feels as if she or he is somehow insane or could become insane. Once again, it makes sense that one would be anxious if it were perceived that he or she were crazy, or soon would be.
Nervous Breakdown
”Nervous breakdowns” simply do not happen. Our nerves do not break or collapse, no matter how many stories we have heard. By believing that they can break, however, one is more likely to be anxious and on-guard—and more likely to misinterpret what is happening when the anxious responses take over. It is sad that so many kind, sensitive people have somehow misunderstood and been misunderstood.
Losing Control
Some people believe that during a panic attack that they will “lose control.” They may imagine that they will do something truly outlandish that will bring criticism from others. Because anxious responses are, by definition, out of control or automatic, it is easy to imagine that they will do something that they or

Copyright © 2013 by Brigham Young University—Idaho. All Rights Reserved. 10 | P a g e

others will see as outlandish or unreasonable. However, this does not seem to happen. Ironically, those who suffer from panic attacks are so very controlled that no one around them has any idea that they are feeling that way. They may have grown so accustomed to regulating themselves that they appear calm and cool. It is also ironic that some people who appear aloof or uncaring are actually so very careful and tuned into their response to others that they end up being misunderstood. After treating individuals, couples and families for more than 25 years it has been amazing to this author to see how often kind, thoughtful, careful, intelligent, sensitive people are misunderstood by themselves and others.
References
Weber, J. G. (2011). Individual and Family Stress and Crisis. Los Angeles: Sage.
Clinic of Santa Barbara, UCLA-ADBP. (n.d.). Physiology of Anxiety. In Anxiety and Panic Disorders. 

Cold Turkey

My prescription for my medication has expired and I haven't found a doctor I like in my new location so I have been off them for about 2 weeks now. Medication has helped me a lot and I know it. Am I ready to be off them? How am I to know for sure who I am if I'm always using help of a chemical form?

What has it been like since being off?

InSane! My emotions are indescribably everywhere. It's like everything is new and I'm a child again. My emotions are so strong and hit so fast I don't know how to control them. I'm relearning everything I once knew. Patience levels are low, way lower than before. But I have a drive to work my body and when I do all the emotional control issues get smaller.

I'm vibrating in my own skin. Instead of shaking due to hunger I'm shaking like a volcano about to explode. And I do. Grab the leashes and take the dogs for a walk, snap at my family, pace back and forth, knit a few rows, clean, cook, or crack like a whip. Vibrate frozen locked in my mind while I try to decide what to do with myself. The vibration is so strong I'm impulsive. Impulsive to a point where my social fears are gone, but in a flash I dread every second since leaving the house. "should've showered, I look terrible, she just looked at me and noticed, fix my hair, that didn't work, what's on the list?"

I decide to go to a Church function. I'm extremely lucky my friend is there. She calms me and the people around me vanish or I'm able to focus on the people that make me feel loved instead of those who don't. I go home feeling good, happy, relaxed, patient, all the vibrations are gone. Does this mean I'm an extravert? Or I just need to be around the right people? My sole thought now is how can I harness this without meds? Is it this person in general that I should see more often to maintain peace? Or find a way to reach out to enough social support without becoming needy. I am needy for I need lots of social support and love.

When I was with my family in Idaho I confronted and asked for the love that I knew I needed. I was off my meds most of the time I was with them and did not feel the affects -vibrations and anxiety- till they where gone. Humans are social creatures. Am I just a more needy human than most? Can I function without the old family physical closeness? Video chat, phone calls, texts, FB messages are not enough for me. It's to awkward and distant. Love is felt in the air (silly sounding I know) but around my family its so thick. One kind look from my older brother here, a lean towards me from my sister there, laughter, and unity. You just can't get those things without being in person. I often joke about my dream of getting a vacation home in Walla Walla just to be closer to them.  It's only a half joke I'm pretty serious about it. My longing to be nearer to them is so strong.

Can I ever live without the vibration on my own without medication? What are the solutions that are at the tip of my brain?

How can I need and take without being needy?

Am I going to go back on meds? I'll say this; I have an appointment set up but it's not for 2 weeks. So I have time to observe myself while working hard to control my emotions, or to be better put, ride them to health.

the spread of pain

When commercials say "depression hurts" it really does. It fills you to the top numbing your head and limbs. Fingers tingle at the tips longing for less and more feeling. Where are my toes?

It hurts your family because nothing they do or say cheers you up for real. An occasional forced smile followed by a hidden face doesn't keep the pain away.

Your head is full of cotton, it longs to implode.

The air is full of children's moans. Longing for love and joy to pass from the mothers bosom to theirs. Mother offers her warmth, but falls asleep trying to hide the pain. Striving to not pass it on, she fails.

In waking the mother sees her child beauty glows and sleeping.

Something snaps.

The child's beauty wakens the mothers joy. It's small. She holds tight to it, but its like reaching for a snow flake. Nearly impossible and when you do it melts cold in your hand, beauty lost.

The mother sighs at least I got a taste.

True joy is like a snow flakes (maybe not for all) sometimes it pours and you catch a lot, but sometimes not. Just because it lands on you doesn't mean you consume it. Snow isn't like water.

Juggle

My 2 1/2 year old is more demanding this semester than last. She speaks whatever she wants to loud and clear. I'm am still working on her emotional coaching.

She is angry at me. She is angry at me for not being alone with me as much as we were when William worked outside the home. She is angry at me for not having enough energy to chase her for an hour straight. Angry that I have to do homework instead of being attentive immediately when she wants to speak with me. Anger is in her energy, and I know how to fix it. But at what opportunity cost?

How can I juggle?
Married life.
Mother.
Student.

All of these thirds pull me in my heart and head. How can I make sure it all gets done? I'm shaking.

My heart is vibrating. The vibration makes its way down to my arms and finger tips.
Tightness erupts and my whole torso convulses.

I have no answers.

I have moved, and have not found a professional to help me yet. Medication only goes so far, I've been fighting to keep my head above water on my own. I'm running out of energy. My grade may not make it if I keep this up.

As much as I want to be Super Woman/MOM Student WIFE I cannot, for I am human.

Hair and Make-up

This post is short.

Most people think that when women feel bad about themselves they ware make-up and do their hair to compensate.

This post is to inform you that this concept is false! 

For me during my depression and (still yet as I'm still recovering)

When I'm happier I do my hair.
When I'm happier I do my make-up.

Depression sucks all the feelings of hope out of you. "Why do your hair and make-up? I mean really it's not going to help or change anything." Is 100% what I thought during depression.

So men, boys, and guys out there! Know this! If you see a girl not wearing make-up or doing their hair I'd be concerned not more than not.

Exclaimer! Some women just don't like make-up so this post doesn't apply to everyone.
The main thing to look for is a change in hair and make-up habits. (not styles)

It's Okay to Be Me

Its okay to be where we're at.

This statement is said over and over by my therapist.

Its okay to be where your at.

This one statement over in over in my head. I repeat it to myself time and time again just to relax.

Its okay to be where I'm at.

My weight story post was full of vigor and determination. The fact of the matter is my weight is a shield, a comfort blanket. I think I've said this before. But its so true. It is so hard to take off that comfort blanket.

For some their comfort blankets are exercise or food control or whatever. And for some (these days the stats say most in the US) fat is a comfort blanket. It is protective, and destructive at the same time.

So how do we convince ourselves that its okay to take it off?

How do we convince ourselves that we're not perfect in some things (most things) and that's okay?

Repeat it over and over and over.
Never forget.

Its okay to be where I'm at.

We're in this together, we are. All of us. When we judge others and ourselves to harshly we do not find happiness nor progression. We are literally damned. We stop ourselves from moving forward. When we can't look at ourselves in the eye and say "I'm not perfect. That's okay." "I haven't started working out yet. That's okay" Or when we can't listen to criticism without still loving ourselves then we are still not okay with who we are.

And believe it! How hard is this? right? At least for me it is. When we beat ourselves up for not doing things right, or we cannot accept things we need to address and change, we only make it worse.

For me, when I get a bad look or vibe from someone at first I'm wounded. I feel pain in my body. I feel pain and sadness, sadness not only for me but for them also. Such pain (unawares of it usually)someone should be in to look at others that way. But remember; it's okay for them to be where their at too.
-I'd like to add also that when someone is hurting, nothing to do with me, I feel it. And my heart breaks. This is why I want/am going to be a therapist.-

We are all in different places, at different stages, in our internal psychological health.

I'm sorry I don't usually like to be religious on this blog but "Love one another, as I have loved you." I mean! is there any better way to love one another than to see ourselves and each other as okay where we're at?

I recently saw a karma post on Facebook. It said "send out good energy." When we do this we make the world a better place. How can we do this if we're not able to accept ourselves first?

I cannot love others to the fullest when I am not accepting myself. Myself, as in the whole package. I don't clean the house as much as my husband. I should spend more time with my daughter. I should take my dog for better walks.  I'm not skinny, fit, or even healthy. I should manage my time better, spend less money, the list goes on an on. We all have them. And they hurt so we push them away. Sometimes avoid or use other unhealthy tactics. The way to healthily defeat them is to face them, and face the head on.

Try it. Try looking in the mirror and saying "Its okay that I don't walk my dog enough. yet. I'm not in a place yet where I can do it. That's okay. I see this, I can accept it. When I'm ready I'll change it."
Ah! Then the pressure is off! We can relax and love ourselves. Which usually leads to being more an more able to change your it.

If your lucky and your one of those people that doesn't have much to feel guilty or frustrated about, or you've known all this for years my hat goes off to you! :D good job!

On the other hand for those of you who don't understand depression maybe this post will help. People (at least with me) with depression do not think that anything is okay. All those things I listed become massive boulders on our shoulders. Weighing our heats and minds down 24'7. We cannot escape. We do not believe its OKAY to be crappy at stuff right now. The world and most the people around us don't tell us its okay, or if they do we don't hear. We don't believe. How could it be true for it to be alright to be so big? So messy and lazy? How? The comforting words people say to us roll off "like water off a ducks back." They roll off and barely leave a trace.

 Something has to snap back into place for someone with depression to believe its okay to be where we're at. When that does happens, healing starts.

I pray that one day we can all know and love ourselves for who we are and where we're at.
God Bless!

Being Sensitive is Okay

Media affects us.

We don't like to admit it. For some reason it feels weak if we are affected by negative energy in media.

Why can't we just watch a show or movie without it bleeding into the energy of our heart, soul, mind, and homes?

And Why do we convince ourselves that this dark movie, show, or music won't hurt us?

We watch things, listen to music, and expose ourselves to pop media because we want to be "normal" or included.

But then we wonder why we're so full of anxiety we don't know why we can't focus on our homework, or our patients levels with our kids is shorter than normal.

Well for me its because of that media. I was watching a show that wasn't good. It was pop culture. Even shows like Ghost Whisperer I can't watch. Not because it's scary but because it changes the energy in my home and soul. It changes me and causes little stresses to become bigger and sometimes unbearable.

So yes even though it's so frustrating I have to avoid media that brings we down.

My counselor said that even if someone on Facebook is causing undue stress there is no need to deal with it. Take them off your news feed. If a movie is bringing you down, turn it off. If a song is causing anger to build instead of promoting forgiveness in your heart for others that have hurt you turn it off or change it until you find something that does promote good feelings.

Our feelings are valid. All of ours!

If there is one thing I've learned between my Parenting class and getting counseling is that not only are my feelings valid so are everyone else's. (After a while I realized he always validated my feelings)

This is one thing that some parents have a hard time teachings their children. And I know how hard it is to tell my daughter "It's okay that your mad, sad, frustrated, and so on. yatta yatta" we talk about why instead of saying "its okay. You don't need to cry or yell."

And just like its okay for children to have emotions its also okay for adults to have emotions too.  Adults however have learned to keep them under a certain amount of control especially in public.

In public can mean all sorts of situations and it depends on the person. For some public is the moment the step outside their home, or around people. For others at "home" can be public too if the relationships are not healthy.

Anyway its okay to be sensitive to outside energies whither they be positive or negative. This is why the wise tell us to avoid things that promote sin. For me these things bring anxiety and sorrow.

People, TV, Family, food, purpose, and media all affect us.

It is up to us to keep negative influences at a length. And keep the positive influences near us so as we can become/stay healthy and happy.

Numb; but Alive

Warning: There is a difference between serious thoughts and minor temptations. Like when you wish you could ride a rainbow but you know you can't so you don't make plans. Its the making plans point that one should get worried.
So do not worry. Just enjoy the depth in which I'm about to take you. Unless you don't agree that this post is deep, to you I shrug, and only ask to have an open mind. Thanks.

We all have bad days.

What are your bad days like?

Think it over before reading on.

Really what are your "bad days" like?

Do you lay in bed wishing it could swallow you up, completely surround you in pillows and a window into a new world where there are only wild animals to cuddle and play with?
No sin, no sorrow, no pain.

Do you have days where you feel the need to knit a million projects at once because its the only thing keeping you from feeling to much?

Do you long for darkness, no more conscientiousness?

And get semi angry cause you believe that your conscientiousness will in-fact live on and maybe you'll feel even more pain after. So you sigh and remember your daughter. You remember yet again that you truly are the most qualified to be her primary caregiver. She needs you. So you push the thought away.

It was never really a true real thought because you know you'd never could.
The thought and sadness haunts you as you smile at your lovely, smart, tall daughter.

She looks at you with new eyes. Eyes that see so much more than you want her to.
then;

Do you all the sudden notice your snapping yourself with a tiny baby hair tie and its all your physically feeling? And it feels great.

Numb    .      .      .      yet  Alive

Swimming through cloudy thoughts. Running from reality.
What is reality anyway? Is it what we make it?

 Or is it just real, unchanging, unrelenting, solid reality.

pause

think

wonder

what are we really? what is

What is it to be Alive?
Is it food?
                family?
                           purpose?
                    joy?
         peace?
                   blood?
                             spirit?
                                      chemicals?
                                                       synapses?
                                   connections?
                  education?
Love?

How can we be alive if we have nothing? Do we have everything, and yet not at the same time?
Can we have, but not have at the same time?

So many questions without real -real- answers. Who has the answers? God?

These are my bad days. Internal, emotional, physical war.

How do you survive?

School;Fresh New Chapter of My Life

In November I had severe changes occur in my family unit I'm building. I made a fast decision, of which I'm really glad I did.  I applied for a petition to BYU-I to medically waiver my last semester there, the one I quit on, flunked out on. I had tried to get help with one of the counselors they offer for free at the health center but it didn't work out. So they saw that they had grounds to grant me my petition. I then started the process of re-applying. It didn't take long for them to get back to me. I was accepted.
I made the commitment to finish my undergrad work with a Marriage and Family Studies major.

I know its not common to tell the world your on medication but none of this blog has been common.
At least not in my family or social dynamics. I will talk a little bit about it though because honestly there are a lot of brands out there for depression so saying I'm on one of them is vague enough for me.

I'm still not doing all the actions I should be as far as my weight goes. Ever since we lost our job I haven't been doing anything to combat it. I'm so focused on school, I'm not sure how to schedule my life to fit everything in yet. While doing stressful assignments I have started biting my nails again. Its hard to stop when you don't even notice your doing it until you realize your bleeding. Crazy I know.

Honestly I'm not sure if it's the meds or school or the fact that my marriage and home life is better than ever but I'm starting to feel like my inner self is growing back.
A great example of this is a flower I have planted outside in one of my pots. It looked like it was going to die but I planted it anyway. It kept struggling for a time. I kept watering and trimming it. I treated it as if it would bounce back and be strong. And it has. The old bottom part of it still looks dead but the new leaves are growing on top of those parts. This is a perfect comparison to the point I'm at in my life.

The dead parts of me are still there, still visible. I'm not completely strong yet. Not completely balanced in my life. I am, however, getting there. Because I'm keeping the light of Christ with me, the Holy Ghost with me.

I'm am just starting to grow and flower. Bright orange peddles of hope shine in the sun. These peddles are my grades, perspectives, and attitude towards life. I'm laughing and talking more. There are a number of people who might remember me and how much I used to laugh. Well, it seems these days Evelyn's always asking "What are you laughing about!?" (She says it clear as a bell too :D)

I'm excited to say that for the first time in my life I think I'll be able to get straight A's.
I was more focused on work in high school, and more focused on my recreational leadership trips when I was living in Rexburg.

I feel smarter and faster than ever before.
My goal is -again- to finish all of my schooling and get my
Marriage and Family Therapy PhD.
I never realized how great this field is. Family truly touches so much of us as individuals and society.

BYU-I teaches and constantly reminds us to learn, by and through Faith. When we learn through Faith we can truly gain more pure knowledge.

When I'm at Church now I keep my journal/notebook with me and I'm continually writing questions and notes down. I'm a student now. A student of all things.

Only those who have attended BYU-I (or maybe another Church (any church)) college and truly embraced properly all the blessings it has in store for it's students can really understand what I mean.

BYU-I is truly a Disciple Preparation Center. I am so blessed to have such a healthy thing to keep me busy and happy.

I hope that soon I can be off my meds and still do well in (and completely finish) school. I hope to become completely healthy in not only my spirit and personality but physically as well.

Thank You again to all who read. I appreciate your support and curiosity. Peace be with you.

Check out my school blog. Hopefully I can find time to fill it with the best notes from each semester.
joyinlearningbyui.blogspot.com

Food, Panic, Addiction

I have been learning more about addictions as of late.

With this new knowledge I started to wonder and watch myself to see if I had any addictions.

This post about food has been on my mind since the dawn of my blog. I knew food was very much so influenced by my anxiety levels. The more stressed out I get the more I eat.
It's a common saying "comfort food" or "I eat when I'm unhappy and happy"

For some its more real than others.

Before my marriage and growing anxiety issues I had a good relationship with food. I didn't feel the need to binge unless it was a social thing (with family or roommates.) I could make a small meal and eat it without feeling the need to eat more or continue to eat. I liked food but I wasn't obsessed.

I feel I've become a little bit obsessed. Very much like the other behaviors that have seemed to become habit.
Something enters my mind that stresses me out beyond my ability to control. I start to shake. Usually it's in my leg or hands. I feel my body tremble. I have to eat something. The craving for chocolate is the strongest one. If I don't have chocolate I'll eat anything sweet. Frantically searching the kitchen for anything. My brain blank. Hands shaking. I pass back and forth a few times hands on head. I flee from the situation. Evelyn's napping so I run to TV to bury myself in.
I hate the kitchen. I try my best to stay out. Distract myself.
Then a thought will enter my head. PB n' J sandwich, honey toast, or just plain cheese. I will get up, in a rush, and go get it. Even while I'm heading to the kitchen I'm wondering if I'm hungry or just crazy.

During my weight loss program I have to keep track of what I eat and how much. I love this system cause it helps. I see what I've already eaten. I don't starve myself cause I'm not sure I should be hungry yet.
But then the anxiety that I can't eat whatever I want causes more "episodes" of stress in the kitchen.

We lost our job. So in affect our home, this perfect location, our tiny roots that I hoped would grow deep here are once again being dug out. We have no knowledge of how we are going to pay bills, where we're going to live, if it will be less of more stressful, will Evelyn transition easily or will it be harder cause she's older? Will even we even get a job?

These thoughts create panic.

Panic:

a sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior, and that often spreads quickly through a group of persons or animals.

For me spreads quickly through out my body. And this panic has grown to form addiction type behaviors.

Addiction:
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

So how do we still this panic before it becomes a full blown panic attack? Causing trauma and addiction?
I don't really have the answer. My therapist is helping me realize a couple steps.
First step is to notice when it's about to happen. Follow the thought process as it develops.
Feel the emotions forming coming, they seem unstoppable, but they're not.

For me medication helps slow the panic process so that now I can do theses things.
The goal is to learn to stop the panic and unhealthy behavior while they're slowed then practice without  help.
Others may not need aide.

Little Accomplishments

I can't even remember a time when I stayed for a full LDS church day.
Since Evelyn was born I have had lots of excuses not to attend them all. I let myself hide.

I've always been and always will be extremely protective of Evelyn. I have good reason.
Two weeks ago William went to church without me, cause I had work. He put her in nursery (our baby sitting type play class for 18month - 3 year olds) without a hesitation. She did great. She loves kids. She is learning lots good and bad.
So this Sunday he was confident she could do it on her own again without a hitch. I believed him but that didn't make it easy.
 She was so grumpy and mad during Sacrement I was certain she'd want nothing to do with it. After though William says "time for nursery." Her head pops up. She's happy and eager.
 We walk up the steps and in she goes arms up in excitement! She only looked back at me once. I walked down the stairs. Stared up at the open door. She runs past with a big red ball. A little boy takes it after she threw it, she walks up to him, snatches it back and walks out of sight. It was her's first after all so we just laugh.
We turn every step feels like a ton of weight. I make it around the corner. Tears start to well up. I freeze unable to take more steps. "We can go back and sit down near the door if you need." Williams words of comfort. Love and gratitude for him fills me. We go back and watch the door till it closes. We stand there a little while.
I'm no longer worried about her. She's in a public place with multiple women looking after her. If something goes wrong or she gets a poopy diaper they'll come get me.

Our need for attending full meetings is too great to ignore or be weak about. So we go to class together. I'm gripping my iPad for dear life. Now I have no excuse. I have to go in and face class. It doesn't make sense. Why be afraid to walk into a room and sit in a crowd? It was my first time going to this Ward's classes. Women can be judgmental, I know I used to be one of them. I'm mostly scared of getting unwanted attention. We like to notice new people. I'm still not ready to be noticed. Or sit alone either. After William left for priesthood I started playing a game on my iPad. It's hard to explain what was physically going on at that point but I was freaked. William came back to tell me Evelyn's okay so I look up. Someone I had met before looked at me. Then sits next to me. I melt and my freak out ends.Almost. Not until lesson started and I didn't get "picked on."
I guess I was afraid of rejection and group attention. I'm not totally sure. I know it's not uncommon. But it's a big reason why I've avoided church.
I was surprised at the fellowship of our ward! Unfortunately I always expected Utah to be clickish but they've been nothing but kind to me. Goes to show you can't believe everything you've heard.

I hope that from now on I can go with less and less fear. Taking that first step seems to always be the hardest. And Evelyn loves going to Nursery so I need to learn to let her. And maybe trust people more.

My Weight Story

I've been putting off writing too much about my weight. It's not completely easy to talk about. It's kinda a long post in the end it's worth it though, I promise.

I've never been a tiny girl. I always had a little bit of a puff if you will? shrug. Honestly that's how I saw myself anyway. I fluctuated between 140's-170's depending on the season.

I was about to go into my different seasons but really that's all behind me. Its fun to dwell on who I used to be. I was very active. I will tell you a little about the different stuff I did. I'll do my best to be brief.

Kick boxing was a work out with great friends where we'd do long sets of punching big bags, and kicking small ones. Along with other aerobic work outs. On awesome rare occasions we'd spar.
Shout out to cousin April! best spar ever!!!
It was a fun tough work out. I miss it dearly! I'd do this twice a week as often as my work schedule allowed.

I swam with our girls swim team all four years of high school. I was a middle swimmer, not the fastest but not the slowest either. All those who know how tough swimming is I smile and nod. To those who don't well try swimming four lengths without stopping. That would be the first 2 minutes of our 2 hour practice.

I'd do sprints, jogs, lift weights, signed up for PE willingly, biked lots (3 miles to work both ways, 2-3 mile paper route. Usually same day) before I could drive, and back packed with my family once a year.

When I went to BYU-I I most likely gained my freshman 15. The weird thing is I fluctuated so much in high school that it didn't feel off. I was honestly still at a normal weight for me when I went home for April break. My mom and I had lots of fun working it off and honestly I felt great when I went back for Summer 08 semester. I spent that semester leading back packing trips almost every week end. Some of the trails were only 5-7 miles but we tried to keep them long enough that they were worth doing. I was doing smaller hikes or lifting canoes onto tall trailers on the weekends I wasn't back packing. I didn't know it then but I was really at a healthy weight.

I say all this to show what I lost and what I hope to gain back into my life.

I met my husband that summer of 08. Long story short we were married in April of 09. Short timing by world's standards, but sorta long by LDS culture.

Getting married sadly took it's toll on me. We moved to Colorado Springs our first months together. I was extremely home sick. We had completely different ideas about what food was worth spending money on. And money was super tight (still is, such is life.) So I started picking up his food habits. Also our job was installing alarm systems so we were supposed to be in random locations all around the area. We were usually at minimum a half hour from our apartment. I was not good at thinking up new food ideas so we ate out a LOT. Wasted lots of money and I put on the pounds.

By the time we moved back to Rexburg my depression set in. And set in hard. I was so blind to the fact that I could lose the weight if I just swam. I had Never been that big before so it seem daunting. I gave up.
Really truly gave up. Gave up on school, gave up trying to keep our apartment in order, gave up on fixing healthy meals. I put on 30 lbs in Rexburg.
The only thing that saved me from putting on more was our family friend Vanessa needed help getting more comfortable swimming. I love teaching people of all ages to swim. Its a mini passion of mine. So it got me active again. Active and happy enough to find a job. A job teaching swim lessons and life guarding. I thought I'd lose weight working there but I'm not sure I did. I might've lost a little but after working there a few months I got pregnant.

We moved to Overton where I started walking regularly with Jessie. I lost some weight doing that but pregnancy cravings over came me. My depression became lesser but never truly left.

We lost our Vegas teaching job. So we moved to Hawthorne. In Hawthorne I attempted three times to lose weight. Each and every time I'd get to a certain weight where I'd start to feel my body get smaller.
It literally terrified me. I felt exposed to the world! I'd start shaking, then eating to calm down. I'd quit every single time I reached that point. Once I realized this I started really mulling and focusing on what might be the problem.

It was fear of success. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being hurt by my husband even at my best. Fear that I'd fail anyway or gain it all back. Fear of being someone that should feel good but didn't.

I wasn't ready to let my comfort blanket of weight go. It is odd that it would be a comfort. But it truly made me feel safe. It's a false safe though.
I can't even look in the mirror with out the worst emotions washing over me. When I put on my make up I focus on what I'm doing. I never just look. It hurts to much. William is constantly trying to convince me I'm beautiful. I don't believe him. I was once, but I'm not anymore. I post pictures of myself that are years old unless they are angled right to not show how bad its become.

I've once again started a weight loss program, one that I enjoy and fully believe in.
My psychologist says just me finding that reason might be enough for me to get past it this time.
I am scared that I will fail again.
I am SICK of not being able to look at myself with love and pride! I am TIRED of not feeling worth noticing or looking at. I'm tired of "embracing the fat girl in me!" Sorry if this offends anyone, but I am READY to be ME.

If you like the way you are don't stress to make yourself into someone your not.

I am ready to step out of my little comfortable shell and be the real me again. The girl who Loves to feel her body get stronger. The girl who likes taking pictures of herself for heavens sake. The girl who danced without caring who saw. The girl who fits into her engagement ring!

Another reason I've been feeling ready is that I've been reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Another shout out! Thanks Robert an Shannon for the book!
After leaving home my love tank was at best half full. Living with my parents I'm pretty sure my love tank was always full. In my marriage we were speaking different love languages. William is words of affirmation. I'm physical touch.  Words would not convince me of my worth, but touch would.
We are both now working to make sure each others love tanks are full.

It's time to break free from the fear and move forward. Its time to burn my way back out into the world.

Healing Home

I've been meaning to write this, these thoughts, since I got home from Walla Walla. Thanksgiving giving holiday.
It's been hard because so much has happened in the last month or two.

I want to focus on the healing and change I've felt occur inside me.

I started seeing my psychologist after I got home to Brigham City but I started my healing in Walla Walla.

See the home I grew up in wasn't perfect, no ones is, but my mom did a good job teaching us how to be emotionally intelligent. I think the fastest way to explain this is to post a link to an article off of babycenter.com And just say that my mom did most, if not all, of the things it talks about. http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-raise-an-emotionally-intelligent-child_11946.bc

I always knew I could open up to my mom about anything. And usually I did, and this holiday season I finally I opened up completely. The support and love I received was exactly what i needed. The things she had to say were somewhat of a shock but also I physically felt my body let go. Let go of this huge burden.
Sometimes we take on burdens that we aren't needed to. Sometimes we feel guilty for things we had no control over. And sometimes we hold it in for years thinking we can handle it. That it doesn't need to be talked about. Once you do though your world can change for the better in the blink of an eye.
I opened up to the people that mattered. My mom, my bishop (local minister,) my husband, my God, and my psychologist. I have not bitten my nails since. Talking. I have always been a big believer in talking. I never knew that not talking about it held me back so much.

With the honesty and help from my husband we narrowed down other problems, other things that are major (not complete) sources to my stress and anxiety. With work and continued counseling we are now going to be able to exterminate the problems, or at least fight them back as best we can.

My psychologist says the biggest step is knowing and admitting our problems. And knowing whats going on inside ourselves during different difficult situations. I've always been a believer in this. My mom was good at getting us to express ourselves clearly, and in order to express ourselves clearly we must first figure out what's wrong. Through this process I have been introspective and open. Hence this blog. :) shrug

I know, humans being curious by nature, that everyone wants to know what the causes were but some thing's are meant to be more private than a public blog would allow.

I want, however, to express urgently that talking and getting support is key. We are social creatures. We NEED each other!
I was nervous to open up to my family and friends. Starting this blog opened the doors for me to be honest and reach out. Without it I don't think I would have gotten as much healing, this last thanksgiving, as I did.

Feel free to open up to me. Or at minimum the ones that love you! Don't let old things hold you back! You may just be surprised at the love and understanding you'll receive.

So a special thank you to my mom and all those who have reached back when I reached out! I will never forget your kindness and love.

I have more to talk about so never fear, I'm not done yet. :D
P.S Happy Birthday World's Greatest Mom!!!

The Unspoken Pain

When I wrote Social Sanctuary it was raw and real. At the end of the day, I forgot to talk about the most raw part of it.

The part that clearly shows how unhealthy it's become.

What I'm about to say could be seen as graphic and is sad. So you're under no obligation so read further. It's not something usually openly talked about. Which is the reason I forgot to mention it. I'm adding it now because this blog is about full disclosure to the complete reality of my anxiety and where it led me.

That being said.

After speaking with William about what I had realized, missing my social sanctuary, he left me to watch my show in peace.

My emotions were still far from peaceful. Hands still itching at my body. Before I new it I had nicked one of my scabs and it was bleeding a little. It took effort, but I pushed myself to stop. It wasn't for another hour or so that I noticed I'd done it again.
   Wil came up for bed. I tried to join him. I lay there fidgeting. I couldn't sleep. So I watched another episode. And tried again. Nothing. So I gave in and got out of bed, turned on the den light again and tried to relax. Without really noticing, at first, I realized I was no longer paying attention to my show. I was ravaging my scabs. Digging hard to get them all evenly open. When my job was done I breathed a deep sigh of relief, so relaxed, peace finally flooding me.Sigh. I could finally sleep.

It was the endorphins, and it did the trick.

I continue my show just to finish the episode. "oh ya Wil said I should try neosporin and band aides again." I grabbed my 'little attempt to stop myself kit' and apply a generous amount of neosporin and band-aides. My right shine is covered in them. They helped for a day or two. The healing is coming. I sorta regret it. It's hard to let go. I know I should, but that doesn't mean I'm excited about it.Unfortunately it wasn't really just the stress from the Relief Society dinner. This happens almost every night.

 What will I do now to relax?

 I really should swim every night instead. That would give me the endorphins I need in a healthy way. I suppose I need your prayers for me to have strength to swim.

Social Sanctuary

I've never been that great in social situations. Like I've said before I have to know people in a group well before I'm comfortable enough to speak up.

This is why Church used to be my Social Sanctuary.

Stakes are what LDS call an assortment of wards. Wards and Stakes are determined by one's geological living location. In some places if you move across town you have a new Ward. Which usually means more new ppl to meet.

Before I married and moved away from home, for good, I had a very close Stake. Where I'm from our LDS population was small at about 0.05% . There were 10-13 LDS kids in my grade of about 450. Since our numbers were so small we bonded together. Even if I didn't hang out with all of them all the time we were still friends.

At school I was shy, reserved, and honestly basically never spoke up in class. I had a hard time making friends. The people that usually became my friend during class were either ppl who sat next to me, were out-going, or were put into assigned groups with me. Emily was out-going and even though I embarrassed her sometimes she let me stick by her side because she knew the real me.
Work was similar to school but it was kinda my in between place. I was both there because I loved, and was good at, what I was doing. A few ppl there new the real me. I'd mention names but they know who they are and they know how much I Love them.

My friends at Church knew the real me too. We grew up together. We prayed, learned, talked, laughed, and camped together. We will always be family.

It wasn't just the kids of my generation that was family, it was also the adults that watched me grow up.
I have a number of mentors I will never forget. Some I out grew, but others I wish I had around 24'7.
I had no fear when it came to speaking up. I asked questions, and said what was on my mind. I had no fear of judgment or misunderstanding. In my eyes the adults around me loved and cared deeply for me.

Now when I go to Church, or anywhere, I become the shy silent girl I was at school. I tried hard to not let that side of me devour the other. I loved who I was at Church. Sometimes when strength or need drives me I do okay. It takes work. I like to make ppl comfortable. And I don't like being a bother. And I don't know what might bother new ppl. So I'd rather watch, observe, and wait till I'm more sure about my footing with each person I meet. If I don't I tend to put my foot in my mouth.

I went to a Relief Society dinner last night. My body was really tense but mostly I was blushing. I held my own, but barely. I only went because my visiting teacher came and got me. I stayed by her side just like I used to do with Emily.

The only comfort I had was someone's dog. If I could see it my face would cool off and my muscles would relax. Animals are so comforting. Maybe that's why I have three cats, and a puppy. haha

When I got home I was exhausted. All the energy I had was completely drained. And it dawned on me. Home, Church activities used to be my Social Sanctuary. Being home was like having a warm hug that lasted the entire time you're there.

To me that's sorta gone now too. I've gained so much weight that I'm no longer comfortable. All I feel is disappointment and embarrassment.

Part of why I'm writing this blog is to maybe help alleviate the misunderstanding and questions ppl at home might have as to what happened to me.

I miss home. I also scared to go home because I feel like a disappointment. I miss my Social Sanctuary.

Expectations

I'm probably not alone in this. When someone expects me to do something my ability to do it completely disappears.

A good example is this:
Family holiday reunion at the Church. We were all hanging out watching the guys (and a couple girls) play basket ball. I was extremely pregnant at the time so I didn't play.

When they were finished my cousins wanted to play HORSE.
I used to play basket ball in middle school and shot hoops a lot at the YMCA in between short shifts. So I'm not bad.
During the game I made all the shots and started feeling embarrassed. Then I shot from spots I knew would challenge me. All through out the game I thought I'd miss but stayed relaxed and won. To everyone's (including my) surprise.

After everyone dispersed I continued to shoot for fun. I look over and my uncle was watching. I felt he then expected me to make a high % of my shots since he might've watched the whole thing. (I didn't miss any shots somehow other than the ones I challenged myself on.) With his eyes on me I shivered. I love this uncle but it still made me shiver. I was so shaky cause I thought he expected me to make it. I couldn't get it out of my head after that even after he left. I shot and shot until I made it.

During the game I was relaxed. No one expected me to win. No one expected me to continue to make my shots. So I did. But once someone expected me to do it. My body tensed up and I couldn't relax.

This happens all the time. Day to day. I have to set myself to relax. No one expects me to do anything all day other than take care of Evelyn. (That doesn't stress me out.)
Cleaning stresses me out. Making phone calls to set up appointments stresses me out. The only way things get done is if I have a surge of energy. I have to push myself to do it.

William has to let the water flow or it'll be like water hitting a big rock in the river. He would be there making a splash. I'd notice and strive to take in his needs. The splash doesn't go away until either the water level is high enough or the rock gets smaller it won't help. He helps me more by being loving and trusting enough that I will take care of our house hold.
The less he trusts me, the less likely I'll do it. The more he trusts me, the more I get done.

Expectations also affected my swimming, eating, and losing weight. My body tenses and I can't relax about the issue until I convince myself or realize no one expects anything from me. They just hope. It's hard to watch when someone seems to not love themselves. I myself would like to adjust some things others do but I'll restrain. I don't always succeed to follow the "golden rule" although I do try.

The less you expect from me the more likely I'll do what you wanted all along.

I'm not like this at work for some reason. Maybe because it's, well, work. Work is all expectations.
You learn them, then do them. Or you don't keep your job.

When one has expectations looming over their heads its hard to relax and focus on what they're doing.
Like having a boss or expert watch you perform. But I feel that way about the tiniest things.
This blog even. I haven't written in a few days, not on purpose or with out ideas, but because I felt expected to.

Silly right? Well anxiety is silly sometimes. It's when it's silly that we need to look at ourselves and wonder if it's normal or do I have a prob that needs serious help?

The Sun

Not sure how old I was when I first heard of the Winter Blues (can't remember if that's the right name for it.)

I do remember feeling more cuddly when it was cloudy. Growing up in Walla Walla our winters are foggy. Very foggy. Mid-late October truly was freaky because of all the fog.
I may have had the winter blues growing up but it was subtle. Growing up I had school everyday. Which meant chatting with friends, walking around campus, and you know not really worried about much.

Being a stay at home mom with a part time job, gives me about 10-12hours a week, I don't have as much to distract me as I used to. (another Topic)

If the sun is up when I wake up I'm happy. If it disappears I automatically start to feel lower.
I just keep dropping and dropping. I struggle to want to do anything other than sleep. Evelyn won't let me do that so I push myself to read, color, laugh, go outside, and play with her. The last thing I want is to neglect her. She is my little sun when it's gone. Unfortunately sometimes she's not enough to keep me.
I honestly don't even notice myself dropping until I hit a point. "what? what's different all of the sudden?"
Sometimes it takes me a bit to realize. "oh the sun is gone. huh hahaha Wow" I really think its crazy how something so small can drastically affect me.

We'll be sitting in the den reading books dreary tired feelings of lifelessness seeping infecting me.

Joy! Bursts into me! Life! I wake up. Look at Evelyn, laugh.
She blinks. Where did that come from? She wonders.
I look around. Why is she confused? Why are my emotions all over the place?
Sometimes I don't figure it out. But sometimes (like today) I notice.

Rays of golden sunshine are warming the den floor, my whole body, and my soul.
Not only does the sun bring life to plants and do wonders to Mother Earth, but for me too.

The sun. So glorious. I wish I could harness it inside me.
I wish I was a battery that could make it last forever! To never feel lifeless without it.
I drain way to fast when it leaves.

William had a hard time with us moving away from Overton because of his worry. Overton is a desert town. Hot hot summers but the sun hardly leaves, and when it does its usually not for a whole day.
My relationship with the sun was a big reason why we really wanted to stay there, even with the raise freeze. We went where we were supposed to. I'm happy where we're at. Just need to find a way for me to have my sun battery last longer.

I know this isn't a rare thing. I felt it was interesting and important to talk about all the same.

The Reality Is . . .

I thought, hoped, that writing this blog would help me tackle my fear.
The reality is it might make it harder. Time will tell. I still have a number of topics I want to explain/show how anxiety can and does affect my life, and others.

William has more hope, since I started the this, that I'll magically do better and start swimming. Honestly so did I.

This kind of fear just doesn't disappear just cause you know it's there.

Staring at oneself, asking, where did you go? Who are you really?
Nothing comes, I have no clue. I want to be my old happy strong self again.
Was I really just a person of my environment? Why can't I stand on my own?
Sadness. Self hatred sets in. I turn away from the mirror and try to forget.

Evelyn is my joy, my relief. Without her I'd be worse.

I stopped by the center my bishop (church called area determined pastor) referred me to go.
He told us to go there over a month ago. I pass it on my way to work, my eye lingers, but I never stop.
Today I did. Good step in the right direction. I'm not sure what they'll do for me but I hope it works.

The reality is writing and talking about it might not be enough for me.

Fight or Flight; Male vs. Female

In fear we have two physical reactions Fight or Flight.

With my anxiety it turns to flight most of the time. I think maybe the trick is to have the mentality to fight. Fight because if you think about it, if your afraid of going to the pool, instead of curling up in bed you feel the urge to beat something down, to chase.

This post was designed in my mind to explain my different reactions while in social situations.

I've always shelled up in groups. Even in groups of three I shell up. The only exception to this rule is if I have had sufficient amount of one on one time with each individual in the group. It only takes one person I haven't had that time with and I shell up. I speak when I'm spoken to. I feel comfortable keeping attention of others, while in a group, only if asked or I feel its extremely important.

Why male vs. female?

Through the years I've come to notice that I'm much more afraid of males than females.
And by more afraid I mean that instead of the flight response I have the fight.
When I'm uncomfortable around a man I physically become super charged. My heart tightens and I instinctively become protective.
Fierce. Overly observant and on edge. I become physically ready to, in a moment act.  I want to be careful not to seem violent but if I was to feel one I loved was in danger . . . . best similarity I can think of is Mama Bear.
Bears have to protect they're young from males. Maybe I'm not alone in this response to males, maybe its a human instinct? I'm not sure.
There are some men out there that I was instinctivly not afraid of at all, at first. My husband is one, his best friend another, a guy from work at home (Walla Walla, WA) and the list goes on.
I just never really know, but it makes me very very shy around men, guys. 

With females I tend to just want to run. If a woman is overwelming or seems agressive I just try to avoid the situation as much as possible in the future. Which also makes it hard when you have no choice sometimes.
In those situations I try my best to grit and bare it for a s long as I can.

This really does sum up my social fears.

It has gotten though to a point where I avoid leaving the house just to keep away from discomfort. I'm a border line hermit.

I'm also very sensitive to positive negitive energy. I'll be having a great day. Then I'll cross paths with someone that isn't. If I know the person it affects me more than if I don't. But either way it affects me.
It got to a point that the energies I was around were getting to me way to much.
 I switch myself off from the world. It was a part of who I was, and I just turned it off to survive.
I felt it was a gift. Something I could help ppl with. I thought I wanted to be a psychologist but I changed my mind when I realized ppl that are having a bad day would come to me. Giving me a bad day too.

I didn't finish school. I broke. I never was very academic (I don't even know how to spell it, spell check.)
But that's another topic.

We all have different social issues once in a while. Are mine different? I don't really know.
People don't really talk about all this much. Yes there is the occasional social norm to talk about how "nervous" one is about something or other. But to fully admit ones fight reflex to men? That's not really talked about. I thought it would be interesting to others. and maybe connect us all in a way.